Allowing

It’s a simple thing, very human and a bit silly but I like it when people enjoy the food I prepare. Today was a New Years gathering of me and my in-laws, eleven others and myself. I made spaghetti and meatballs, which they enjoyed. They like to keep things positive, never discuss negative or disturbing things and never go to more depth than superficial small talk. I’m not good at any of that but I can cook and that is comfortable for all. I do not judge them, but I do observe and notice. Judging them for being themselves would be a pointless and exhausting exercise. They are different from me.

Change

I re-read last nights entry and was surprised because my feeling low and negative seems so long ago and unimportant since today I feel gratitude. That’s the way it happens when I allow it to. Yesterday was just part of the cycle. Today was rainy and cold and the plants and animals are in a resting phase until the spring. We have passed the solstice and the cycle continues, a thing of beauty. I enjoy parts of each phase of the year, the heat of summer being the hardest for me.

Feelings

Tonight I keep going back and forth between, on the one hand, feeling fulfilled, loving and connected and on the other hand feeling like a useless, human, disabled mess. I usually feel grateful and loving, as I described last night. Then on some days, like today, I encounter many things I cannot do because of my physical condition. It is a good idea for me to accept each feeling, no matter how irrational, and allow the latter to pass, focusing on the love and gratitude — I’m just not there yet! "To get we must also give, to advance we must also surrender, to gain we must lose, to attain we must resign. From the nature of things life means choice and selection, and every positive choice negates all other possibilities." (Rufus Jones)

Being Part Of

It is very fulfilling for me to feel like I am part of something so much bigger than myself and not try to figure it out beyond the fact that it is loving and powerful. I will call it my spiritual or God connection and leave it at that. It is to big for me to understand, which is fine with me. I am but a small part of it but that connection is a big part of me. "To understand better the value of silence in daily life, and its relation to this spiritual transformation for which we yearn, it is useful first to consider the limitation of language, of words. It is next useful to contemplate the limitations of logical reasoning." (Daniel A. Seeger)

Practice

Today and for the last several days I have been experiencing a very strong connection with other people and with God/Love when I meditate. I have also been very busy but consider everything I do as a sacred gift and/or activity. I feel very solid, allowing and aware all at the same time. These feelings are a natural culmination of the practices I participate in like the self-care, prayer, meditation, exercise, eating carefully and sleeping enough. I also have a positive impact on everyone I connect with. "To undertake to live a discerned life, to endeavor daily to be attuned to authentic movements of the Spirit leading us into greater fullness of life, is a strenuous undertaking." (Patricia Loring)

Growth

When I was very young, before the age of ten, I noticed that the other children had a very close, loving, dependent relationship with their parents and addressed their parents as "mom and dad". My parental relationship was not like that. My parents had us children address them by their first names and did not encourage any sort of a close relationship, promoting independence. I have to admit that I felt the lack but also developed that sense of independence and absence of any tendency to attach. As a result of that early experience I have changed careers three times, moved several times, explored several spiritual practices and pissed off several authority figures. I have also learned to appreciate deeply the power and value of love. My childhood was challenging but also valuable in producing the man I am today.

Choice

Within myself and I gather within most, possibly all, people there is a constant conflict of attitude between my selfish, angry, aggressive side and my selfless, loving, non-violent side. I have written of each for the last two days. Each is attractive in their own way. The former being more satisfying in the short term and easiest to accomplish. The latter requires some patience and I find much more pleasing and satisfying in the long term. As I commented, I prefer to be selfless and loving in these, my older years, though both sides are present, which is why I use the three questions I have crafted and written about. "Would I do this in front of God [or whatever you call the power or force behind the Universe]?; Is my name really on it [or is it really my responsibility]?; Will this increase the integrity of the universe [or is this action motivated by love, rather than fear, acting out of love always increases the integrity of the universe]"

Spreading Love

During the day today I found myself in a conversation acknowledging that many people are making choices and actions that seem childish, shortsighted, selfish and angry. The other person commented that she had thought we were "better than that" and, in response, I commented that "we are". I pointed out that we each have the capability of making childish, selfish and angry choices or actions based on the love or God seed within each of us. As I mentioned yesterday, I have done both. I now live within an atmosphere or bubble of love and transmit that to others when I can. My work with spirits is an effort to spread love.

Choice

I have spent a number of years following each of two very different "life paths" — the first being fear based and survival oriented, the second being love based and living oriented. The first years of my life were primarily, though not entirely, fear based and the last few decades have been primarily, though not entirely, love based. They have each always existed together, transitioning between primarily one or the other but both being present, and probably necessary. The fear part of me seems very human, includes behaviors like getting a job and being a responsible member of society, both based on the opinions of others. The main internal message of my fear side is that I need to do so and so or suffer the consequences. The behaviors of my love side are similar, but I choose and perform the activities because they feel right to me and the internal message is love of life. "The Lord explained that it was needful that he [George Fox]’should have a sense of all conditions’. How else should he learn ‘to speak to all conditions?’ Then followed the critical experience: ‘I saw the infinite love of God. I saw that there was an ocean of darkness and death, but an infinite ocean of light and love which flowed over the ocean of darkness. In that also I saw the infinite love of God; and I had great openings’"

Living With A Disability

Two days ago I was visiting a person who has a disability similar to mine and is living in a nursing home. She followed a medical approach to her problem while I took a spiritual approach, possibly accounting for the difference in outcome. She commented that she "drools and farts". I chuckled and she asked why and I replied "because I drool and fart". The fact is that I am disabled and I accept that as a fact of my life which I do not like but "is". Tonight, with muscular difficulty and very slowly I raked up leaves from our back deck — I was proud of myself! Shortly after that I made a mess by spilling vinegar during the making of dinner and then noted the difficulty I was having getting food to my mouth while eating. I take delight in what I can do and find some amusement in my "challenges". I also frequently marvel at the speed and coordination of others.