Gratitude

Today I found myself talking about the necessity and power of gratitude in my life, how important it was to me and the fact that it is a choice. I do view it as a choice and it is important for me to make that choice if I am to continue with my life and help others do the same. As I pointed out today; I am 71, living in a part of the country where the climate does not suite me, usually in some pain and disabled since I was forty, so I have several things to feel negative about. Instead I chose to see my life as a gift and focus on the many good things.

Meditation

It is only through quiet, peaceful and persistent meditation that I seem to be able to discern what is really going on inside me and in that process I am amazed at how good I am at hiding from myself. It’s as though my ego wants to protect me from myself! For example, when I have back pain I might meditate to find out if there is some emotional component to the pain, which there usually is. My first meditative response is "no" which generally relents to "yes" and then an honest exploration of some fear or anger. Recently I have been meditating to explore what my disability means to me, not that my thoughts could be the cause of my problems but the exploration could lead to a better understanding and eventual healing. So far I have come to realize how much my disability has contributed to me becoming the strong, spiritual, loving man I am today.

Discernment

Today, before the recovery meeting there was a young man speaking first about his drinking then his gambling and I could readily discern that in his words he was trying to convince me and himself that he was speaking the truth, while part of him knew he was not. I was seeing my past self so I loved him and listened. Many years ago in the sweat lodge I prayed for discernment, thinking then of negative spirits and energies. I was granted the gift and have found it goes beyond what is called evil and is very useful in my listening and learning. "Discernment is a gift from God, not as a personal achievement. The gift is not the result of training, technique, or analysis. Like other gifts of God, its origin is mysterious and gratuitous." (Patricia Loring)

Spirit

I attend a Quaker meeting for worship twice a week, a one hour period of meditating and listening in silence with minimal talking. I enjoy sitting in silence with minimal dogma. I have no religious training in my history but spiritual searching and listening to the light with minimal bias. The love and peace I have encountered is totally unconditional and a wonder for this human to behold. I am accustomed to definitions, boundaries and conditions — there are none, only love. "To undertake to live a discerned life, to endeavor daily to be attuned to authentic movements of the Spirit leading us into greater fullness of life, is a strenuous undertaking." (Patricia Loring)

Anger

The topic for my recovery meeting today was anger so I have been reflecting on my expression of anger, both past and present. During my formative years in my family of origin I was not taught healthy ways of dealing with anger so I tended to stuff it, intellectualize, blow up in periodic rages and become destructive — the best I could do! When I got into recovery, at 36, I noticed that a carpenter associate of mine would get very angry, express it vigorously and loudly and then forget it a few minutes later. I decided he was psychotic. Then I noticed that my dog did much same and the behavior seemed to work well as long as the expression of anger was not destructive. I adopted that behavior as my model. I then noticed that most of my anger was due to some underlying feeling like hurt or fear and that my anger was only the surface emotion so I worked on feeling and expressing the underlying feeling, avoiding the anger entirely. I have since discovered that most of my underlying feelings have been about things that actually matter very little.

Holistic Healing

When I do the physic or spiritual healing I wrote about a week ago I first "join" with the problem telepathically by asking it what it is trying to tell me and learning what it feels like. This joining has to be done with love and respect which necessitates getting past/over any fear or anger response to the problem. I can then encourage the tissues to return to a state of harmony with the rest of the body. I find that the various tissues and parts of the body actually seek to be in harmony and work together. This whole process is strongest when done with God as a power driver.

Focus

My disability or condition has helped me develop my ability to focus on my present activity and listen to what will work for me. I need to stay focused and present on whatever I am doing at the time and I am constantly listening for guidance. If I am walking and break my focus by looking to the side or even thinking about something other than walking, I stumble and sometimes fall. When I am connecting and/or working with someone I usually stay focused on them, what they are saying and the present moment. When I do that I frequently receive guidance about what to say next. If I begin thinking about cooking dinner or my next activity I lose that connection, very noticeable.

Gratitude

Today I feel very grateful for my life, the way it is and keep in mind that it could be a lot worse, which it has been several times. In meditation I have "heard" recently that I am one of the most privileged people on the planet — very true. I keep remembering someone asking me years ago when I was using crutches "How can you be grateful!? You can’t even walk." and my response was "You can’t fly and it doesn’t bother you". The point I was making was that if I accept my condition, whatever it is, then it is possible to be grateful, and, on the other hand if I fight my condition I will not be happy.

Holistic Healing

I had my colonoscopy yesterday and did a lot of resting and self-care today. The doctor found my colon to be totally healthy and commented that I was extremely healthy and had a healthy lifestyle. I was relieved, but for my own self-concept, it is important for me to acknowledge that the previous clinical tests were right about something being wrong with my colon. In this and several previous cases (lung, thyroid, heart, prostate and brain) clinical studies indicated problems which I addressed with the meditative and imaging techniques I mention on my website and in my book. In each case the problems either disappeared or in the case of my brain the apparent problem was modified to an "impossible" degree necessitating re-diagnosis. It is important for me to realize that, regardless of what the medical community concludes, the problems were real and the healing I did resulted in their disappearance. Such is the power of love , God and the mind-body connection.

Fear

I am in the midst of preparation for a colonoscopy, meaning taking various laxatives in order to cleans my intestines of everything. The procedure is set for tomorrow morning. The doctors detected some blood in my feces so I have been practicing self healing using love energy and tomorrow I will find out how successful I was. Yesterday I spent a good part of the evening and night getting in touch with and feeling my fears about the procedure and what they might find out. This evening I just feel acceptance about whatever happens, knowing that I will deal with it