Anger

Generally if I am angry even a little bit or for good reason and I try to intervene in some way, I am likely to do or say something "stupid or ugly". I’m better off being quiet and letting my anger pass until I feel understanding and loving. In my recovery meeting today several people said that their anger was a useful motivator causing them to speak up or take action, when needed, an approach which makes sense for some people. Not for me. If I am angry I am better off using meditation or contemplation to discover what nerve inside me is being inflamed and letting it pass.

Holistic Healing

Today I am fed up with being disabled, meaning I am angry and somewhat depressed about it. Normally I simply consider my disability to be an unwelcome partner in my life. I accept it but do not like it and on those days it is just kind of a nuisance. I can maintain that more positive attitude when I focus on gratitude for the many gifts in my life and the lessons that my disability has taught or helped me with, like patience. It is also important for me to admit and feel openly those days that I am fed up, otherwise I hold those feelings inside and they build.

Suffering

The topic for today’s book study was the role of suffering for spiritual awakening, a pithy, controversial and complex subject. I have certainly had periods of extreme pain and suffering which always resulted in greater or more complete surrender to the power I now call God. In my case, I was stubborn so the pain and nowhere else to turn was necessary. I do not believe that pain and suffering is always necessary and I watch others who seem to be offered the option of surrender without suffering. The choice is theirs to make

Power of Love

Today I have been contemplating the power of love evident in my life due, in part, to today’s recovery meeting which was about our experiences with the power of anger. When I began recovery I was hurt and angry, I am now happy and loving. What turned me around was the loving support from people around me. Before then I had been exposed to the anger and instructions of people trying to change my anger. Their approach did not work. Love did. My father went through a similar transition before he died, once again due to love. I attempt to facilitate change in the people I work through my connection, love and support which nourishes the seed and promotes the change needed.

Two Selves

Within my "higher" self I can walk through this life and knowing and feeling the love, peace and presence of the eternal reality that I have learned of through my spiritual exploration. I can and do see everything through this lense --- when looking as my higher self. I also exist as my regular, earthly, human, frail and a bit silly self. I have learned to treasure each. As my regular self I cry, grieve, get angry, perform ceremonies and ask God "What the f----". Each self is very real and vital, one is transient the other is eternal. It is important for me to honor and acknowledge each.

Self-care

This morning and early afternoon I found myself getting angry over little trivial things that normally would not bother me, a sign that I needed more rest, self-care and sorting time. I spent the rest of the afternoon doing all three and now feel much better. This morning I was particularly angry and impatient over the fact that people had a difficult time understanding me, a situation that normally does not bother me since that is normally the case. After napping, exercising and meditating I just sat doing nothing for a while, very restorative. I’m back to feeling patient and understanding, which I prefer.

Anger

My wife, Maria, got angry with me today and I listened to her anger without shrinking or getting defensive, sincerely apologized for my inappropriate action, and let the incident go without ruminating. This response was remarkable given my history of not dealing well with anger. During my developmental years in an angry home I shrank to a "little mouse" in response to anger. During later years I learned to appear strong in the face of anger while still shrinking inside. I would also blow up in a rage, losing control and doing stupid things, periodically. I was hurt and angry. I then began to confront my anger, which terrified me. After the incident I would ruminate for a day or so. Today I did well and let it go cleanly.

Gratitude

Today I feel gratitude, peace and acceptance about my life, my issues and problems or challenges. The difference between today and a few days ago when I was feeling bothered is the amount of rest, self-care and prayer I have been doing. Exercise helps too. The self-care usually consisted of sitting and sorting, contemplating and meditating, the sorts of things I used to avoid since those things involve looking inside. The issues have not changed, I have.

Holistic Healing

I did not realize it then, but the "massive shifts" I spoke of bothering me two days ago are largely internal and still bothersome. I have not yet come to peace with them completely and I am still encountering some fear. The turmoil in me is due to what I am uncovering in my attempts at the self-healing of my disability and jaw/speech/eating problems. Through my connecting or joining with the problems I have encountered layers of karma, God’s will and personal agendas, all of which need to be addressed if healing is to take place. After dealing with those issues there is, of course, the matter of the physical condition. In the past the self-healing I have done was straight forward since it dealt only with the physical problem.

Change

In the past I have referred to the way I felt as "being lost in a trackless desert" but today (in Maria’s words) felt like "being lost on a trackless anthill", because of the feeling that massive changes or shifts in perspective are taking place. Many people around me have commented on the "shift in attitude towards love" and compassion which I spoke of a few days ago. It is exciting to watch and I cannot help but wonder where it will lead. I will continue to play my part, as best I can, and let the rest go.