Sigh

  I was just reading some of my previous journal entries and what stood out to me was my comment that “simply being “Charlie” for a day is a workout for me” and today I feel that.  I can also look back at all the “gifts” I have been given.  This evening I have some pain, muscle aches and simple tiredness.  Today I have also felt God, love, eternity and the living, loving energy of the earth.  It’s important for me to remember that both are true and I cannot have one without the other.  My life continues and it’s time for bed and then getting up in the middle of the night to pray and meditate!

Choice

  There is no doubt that humans have an angry/fear based/aggressive side which  is liberally “fed” by activities such as most news programs, reports of severe weather or even many negative comments on social media platforms.  Those activities actually increase my feelings of anger, fear and aggression. Feelings which I do not enjoy.  It is also clear to me that we all have a love and compassion side which is supported or fed by activities such as forgiveness, serving others, heartwarming news stories or even the simple act of smiling.  I enjoy those feelings and make the choice of turning off the news after achieving some awareness of daily events.

Meditation

  Yesterday I attended my monthly meeting for people who have had Near-Death-Experience (NDE) or had other spiritual awakenings.  During the group there was a brief discussion of negative feelings such as hate, anger, guilt and shame.  It was mentioned that even on this plane of existence such feelings block free flowing growth.  It was also mentioned that those feelings do not exist on the “other side”.  As I have experienced the overwhelming love in that place is absolute, lacking those negative emotions, the duality we know so well.  I first experienced that absolute through meditation as suggested by Nisargadatta Maharaj.  I quickly discovered that my pain and disability did not exist there either.  I found that if I could meditate that deeply — I would leave my pain behind.  I did not understand it but I experienced it.

Pearl of Great Price

  It never occurred to me that, as Jesus said, the kingdom of God was within me.  I certainly did not believe that the peace and love of the kingdom was available to me.  I found it easy to be distracted by the objects, chaos and ideas of this world.  I did not even look for a spiritual solution until I had exhausted all other options.  Then I did and now my commitment is total.  I now listen to the news or simply observe the chaos and destruction around me and then turn, through meditation, to the sense of peace, love and eternity that comes with God’s kingdom, a “pearl of great price”.  I find it wonderful that the pearl is there freely for anyone willing to do what it takes.

Gratitude and Isolation

  Right now the house is filled with the giggling chatter of young women — delightful.  I do not speak their language but their energy is wonderful to feel.  I do not need much contact with other beings, but this degree of isolation (pandemic) is getting to me so I am taking steps.  My regular recovery meeting has gone back to “zoom” so I am planning to add another in-person meeting and may add more, if I can find them.  We are also getting more work done on the house.  One of the young women came to  me and announced that they were done with the office which I translated to mean “We want you to go to the office!”.  Which I did and they are now cleaning where I was

Hiatus

  It has been four months since my last journal/blog entry.  The time passed quickly and easily.  I was not feeling the peace and gratitude I normally feel and I realize now that I was feeling the stress because of the isolation and the uncertainty of my life being up in the air.  I was also trying to do to much.  I needed to take a brake to sort my life out a bit and I felt no inspiration to write.  I have been focusing more on gratitude and I have taken measures to reduce my responsibilities.  I have closed down my website and hired a giggling and joy full group of young Mexican women to keep the house clean (a cleaning service).  I can’t say I like it but it’s clear to me that simply being “Charlie” for a day is a workout for me.

Being Open

  For the last week or so I have been aware of people tending to restrict their view of current events so that their conclusions fit with their beliefs.  They (we?) tend to stay within our own “box”, rather than grow and change.  They do not see the whole picture, which I try to do but probably do not.  There is a  practical value and importance of viewing of acting on reality objectively, accurately and without bias.  This view also feels risky and unsafe.  In my life this pattern is most noticeable with the medical profession’s view of my history or condition.  I generally present my whole history which is exceptional and does not fit their expectations.  They then look at part of what I present and decide that I have been miss diagnosed or that I am imagining things.  Frustrating and not helpful!  The safe and conservative approach is to take the facts and try to fit them into an impression of reality while frequently leaving out some of the facts.  I prefer to expand my impression of reality in order to encompass all of the facts.

Love and Tolerance

  During my recovery meeting yesterday we talked about tolerance vs.. judgement and people spoke up about the various things they tended to judge about other people and situations.  While they were talking I kept reflecting back on my family of origin and the fact that we used to sit around the dinner table and criticize Cincinnati, where we had recently moved.  The sense was that the criticism somehow made our family superior, never realizing that we were feeling and expressing a negative energy which actually made us feel worse.  Later in the meeting I spoke of my memory and my realization that judging others had a negative impact on me and had no effect on the object of my judgment.  I likened judging others to “pissing on my own leg”, an image that has helped me give up my judgmental tendencies.  Being loving and tolerant feels much better, much freer and clearer.

World View

  Today I am experiencing some sadness which was triggered by my doctor appointment but also relates to my own history and awareness of the general human condition.  The sadness is because we tend to view the world through a lense formed by our own experiences and training rather than viewing reality openly and totally as it is.  I often refer to this as living and viewing reality from within a box because is restrictive and confining.  Personally, I make an effort to see beyond my own box and I also experience difficulty in getting others to do the same.  In the case of me and my physician “His training and profession lead him to view his patients in terms of potential pathology” (taken from last post) and he cannot see me openly and objectively, which saddens me.  I also understand the difficulty of seeing beyond my own box.

Holistic Healing

  Yesterday I went to my primary care doctor for a routine checkup, which I often find useful though I do not rely on western medicine for much and he certainly does not understand me or my practices.  When I go to see him and enter that world view I have to be very careful with my own boundaries.  His training and profession lead him to view his patients in terms of potential pathology, while my tendency is to look at myself in terms of health and healing.  He commented that my thyroid problem “just went away” and I corrected by saying that I had healed it.  He was also concerned that I got up each night two to three times to pee.  He checked my prostate and was about to send me to a urologist.  I asked him why and he pointed out that the urologist could give me medications to help my urinary problems.  The fact is that I pee a lot and drink a lot of water (very healthy!) And I recall that doctors have expressed concern about my fluid intake all my life, the first time being when I was a graduate student and twenty-five.