Recovery

  At this point I have largely gotten over those “defects of character” and negative thoughts that plagued me and held me back for so many years.  Today I have been reflecting on the process by which I gave them up.  I definitely needed to become aware and talk about them, which took me several years.  For the last step I did not work on them directly but focused on my connection with God/love.  I focused on filling my life with love and acting on that love then the defects did not exactly vanish but they got quiet and no longer ruled my life.

“Seek not humility.  Seek God.  Through God you will find humility.  Sought as an end, humility will run in a circle and bring you directly back to pride.

“Seek not for faith to move mountains.  Seek God first.  Perhaps the mountains do not need moving, perhaps He will lift you up above the mountains which may be better than moving them.

“Seek not pleasure neither of body nor of soul.  This too is a gift, eluding those who seek it   seek God, for He alone is able to give joy, which is infinitely finer than pleasure.

“Seek not power, not even power to do great deeds.  Seek God and Him alone, and power will flow from you in ways and times which are hidden from you.” p 31-32

from Our Hearts Are Restless, by Gilbert Kilpack,

Balance

  I write often about the power of love and I spend much of my day in a semi-meditative state in which I can feel and respond to that power.  I am also gifted with a very strong intellect which I switch to and use several times a day.  When I write “switch to” I mean that my intellect comes to predominate at those times.  My intellect predominates while when doing things like listening to the news, reading a scientific journal or paying bills.  My intellect is a very important tool for my daily functioning, but I am also smart enough to see its limitations.  They are both important parts of me which I balance every day.  “To understand better the value of silence in daily life, and its relation to this spiritual transformation for which we yearn, it is useful first to consider the limitation of language, of words.....It is next useful to contemplate the limitations of logical reasoning.”  (Silence: Our Eye On Eternity, by Daniel A. Seeger)

Power of Love

  Back in a basic social work class while studying for my masters in social work, I was given a surprise opportunity to address a whole class for an hour on why I chose social work.  I quickly and privately asked  for guidance and support from God. I then spoke vulnerably, lovingly  and openly about myself and my history.  Basically I spoke my truth and let God speak through me, without ever mentioning the source.  I created a sacred space.  The whole class responded by opening up — a magical moment.  After the semester was over one of the students approached me and asked “How does it feel to know you changed a whole class for a whole semester? I can describe in detail the events that took place, but not what really happened.  I cannot describe the power.  I have experienced the power of love/God many times and know the feeling well and like then I can describe the events and say the words — but not the reality.  “So long as we are satisfied to confine our attention to exact description of what is, and to study of antecedent causes, the dramatic features of the universe will necessarily escape us, and we shall get no intimation of an Intelligence operative throughout the unfolding drama.” (from Rufus Jones Speaks To Our Time: An Anthology, edited by Harry Emerson Fosdick)

My Life

  I lead a relatively quiet and peaceful life, I have even called my life monastic at times.  It’s a quiet life of service immersed in love for everything and everybody.  Many years ago I asked to see things the way God does.  Now I believe I do (except at times when I allow myself to get distracted!).  My love is a gift I am very grateful for.  “For after all the beautiful and simple words have been spoken, it is still the pattern of that Life which compels attention: its obscure and humble birth; its education in poverty; its temptation, mortification, and solitude; its acts of compassion and service; its desolation at moments of apparent abandonment of the Divine; its painful death of the self; and its final absorption into the Source.” (Silence: Our Eye On Eternity, by Daniel A. Seeger)

What Works For Me

  Right now I feel the need of lots of quiet, meditative time, a need that is supported by my wife but not my culture or my own head at times.  I often feel bombarded by a culture that tells me I will feel less stress if I do more, own this or that, achieve fame or have more money.  In my life I have tried those things and found they did not work. Silence, love, service and humility have worked and cost me nothing other than focus.  Noone profits in terms of money — yet I feel rich.  “From everywhere, it seems, we are bombarded with the idea that our nature is innately violent, that our chief preoccupation is with our sexuality, and that our main purpose in life is the acquirement of ever more nifty possessions.......Indeed, it is only through the practice of inner silence that we can begin to disentangle ourselves from our culture and its illusions. (Silence: Our Eye On Eternity, by Daniel A. Seeger)

Humility

  In the last several entries I have mentioned some of the beautiful and healing events in my life within the last decades.  I have attributed them to love and the power of love.  In my experience the words or beliefs (Buddha, Jesus, God, Krishna, Higher power) behind that love make no difference.  The presence and power of that love is important.  It is also important for my humility to always remember that I am not its source, but a willing and grateful conduit.  “A mystical touch is a deep, intimate contact-union-experience of God in one of His attributes such as power, light, goodness, beauty, or joy.” (Fire Within by Thomas Dubay, S. M.)

White Crows

  Five years after I was diagnosed by a leading expert in my kind of disability, he told me that I was the only patient of his who was getting better.  He asked what I was doing so I explained my holistic practices.  In response he said: “I don’t know what you are doing but keep doing it”.  Then about five years ago my primary physician was having difficulty finding the correct amount of a new medication for my hypothyroidism.  I got fed up so I stopped the medication and worked on healing my thyroid using similar techniques to those I had used before.  I knew this approach was risky and I certainly do not recommend it — but it worked for me.  At first my doctor thought I had simply figured out the right amount of my new medication so I told him I had healed it.  He later commented that it was surprising it had healed spontaneously.  I am left with a question I heard many years ago: “How many white crows do you have to see before you are convinced that all crows are not black?

My Own Healing

  Back in 1988 I was diagnosed with cerebellar degeneration a chronic degenerative neurological disease which would typically result in death.  This diagnosis came from Dr. David Zee, a Johns Hopkins Hospital neurologist and seemed to be accurate and encompass my symptoms.  I was in extreme pain, using crutches and in physical therapy learning how to crawl.  I also began to practice Attitudinal Healing together with Buddhist and Hindu meditative techniques, basically using the power of love and the mind-body connection.  After several years Dr. Zee commented that I was his only patient that was getting better.  I have continued to get better in some ways and gotten slowly progressively worse in others (most notably in my speech).  I have also cured numerous other conditions using the power of love.  I am 74 and doing much better than expected, so I think I will continue!

Holistic Healing: The Power of Love

  I realized a few days ago that despite professional and personal advice to the contrary, I have no use for most conventional or mainstream neurologists.  I am an exception to the norm.  I have been successfully using love-based holistic practices for the last thirty-five years since my diagnosis (cerebellar degeneration, a chronic degenerative neurological disease).  I am doing much better than expected, according to my diagnosis and have accomplished things considered impossible, all using the power of love.  It does not help me to be re-diagnosed and have the last thirty-five years ignored or discounted. On the other hand, I would be delighted to talk with a neurologist who acknowledged and incorporated my past.

Beyond Forgiveness

  I was raised in a “quietly” violent and abusive alcoholic home.  I write quietly because there were no police or hospital stays and minimal physical marks.  The source of the violence was my father.  He beat me at times until I turned twelve and was strong enough to stop him. I should also admit that I provoked him.  I also now believe that you should never hit a child.  Through the recovery process I managed to forgive him several years ago.  Then, shortly before he died from Alzheimer complications, I went to visit him in the nursing home where he was staying.  He did not recognize me as his son and had limited cognitive ability.  During that visit God covered us with an umbrella of love and we talked quite intimately for a couple of hours spirit-to-spirit.  I felt nothing but unconditional love for the man before me and I realized that within unconditional love there is no need for forgiveness.