Faith Versus Fear

The topic for the meeting was “faith versus fear” and I commented that my brain usually generates thoughts based on fear and that my heart usually generated feelings based on love/faith.  I also commented that, over the time in recovery, I have learned to have my brain serve my heart rather than the other way around, which is what I was taught.  Put another way, I strive to begin with love/faith and attempt to act and think accordingly, a simple but not easy concept.

Love & Respect Versus Fear & Judgement

I was reminded today of the very different feelings and outcomes due to personal interactions based on love/respect/understanding versus interactions based on fear/judgment/ shame.  This is something I have much personal experience with, both toward myself and others.  It is also something I have witnessed many times.  Generally speaking, interactions based on fear/judgment/shame result in feelings like hurt, defensiveness and anger, with no or limited growth.  There may also be compliance, but at a cost.  The same sort of interaction, based on love/respect/understanding could also result in compliance, but through willingness, a win-win situation, frequently coupled with growth.
Two examples come to mind.  In the case of a child who has broken something in the act of being a child, meaning exploring his/her world.  It is possible to yell at the child, tell him/her they were bad and punish them in some way.  It is also possible to understand that part of the role of a child is to, sometimes clumsily, explore different ways of doing things, point out what happened and offer to help the child fix what he/she broke.
In the case of adults, when an adult takes some sort of action which has an undesirable result, it is possible to tell the person that he/she was foolish or stupid and then tell them to do it over again differently, sometimes resulting in a more desirable outcome.  On the other hand, it is also possible to believe they were doing the best they could, given their cultural or personal history and then to make a suggestion as to how they could do it differently.

Gratitude

Today, I was struck by extreme feelings of gratitude.  It is certainly true that I lead a life which is based largely on being of service to others.  My life is based on love and being of service just comes naturally.  It is also true that I have pretty extreme physical challenges which limit my activities.  As a result of my limited physical abilities, I require a great deal of support.  Combining these two approaches to life means that I give a lot and receive a lot, meaning I am very deeply connected to other people and the process of life in general.  There is a great deal of inter-dependence in my life, including my wife, Maria, and numerous friends.  It is a wonderful way to live.

My Puppy Brain

Like I said yesterday, I spend much of my life living in the present.  Today I spent several hours fretting about future events and possibilities, a waste of time, energy and a good example of being silly and human!  The contrast between yesterday and today was very useful.  What I did to remedy the situation was to sit and meditate about my fear and, finally, realized that “the universe is unfolding as it should” (Ehrmann), moving back to the present.  As Jack Kornfield suggested, I treated my brain like a warm, stupid puppy, and simply guided it back to the present in a loving, gentle way.  It’s nice to be back after a brief reminder of my humanity.

Living in the Present

During the lodge last night I said “I don’t understand what is going on, I am confused and I’m good with that”.  The fact is that much of my life is quite uncertain and up in the air, so I live very much in the present.  I get fairly clear guidance about what the next right action is and then take that action, frequently without knowing why.  My actions are based firmly on faith and love.  This way of life requires a lot of non-attachment and the absence of ego.  Attachment, along with the associated emotions, or ego involvement make it impossible for me to stay in the present.  This way of life has also required a good deal of training and discipline, but it is exciting and the outcome is usually very good for all involved.

The Spiritual Journey

Over the last couple of days I have been blessed to connect with and guide others along their spiritual journeys, a process that I have a deep respect for.  I am honored to be in a position to provide such guidance and I make use of a lot of my own guidance and support while performing as a conduit for them.  The people that I worked with are all at different points in their individual spiritual/emotional paths, one is just beginning, two are at relatively enjoyable parts, having just passed through some difficult times and one is totally miserable.  They are all doing exceptionally well.  The human part of me would like them all to have a peaceful and serene journey, the God part of me sees their wonderful progress, including their discomfort and feels a tremendous amount of love and overwhelming respect for each of them.  I am reminded that, at times, the spiritual path is neither easy nor particularly enjoyable, but, ultimately, extremely fulfilling.

What Does Matter

I have been blessed several times to either be close to death myself or be with someone who was close to death.  At those times people tend to stop thinking about material possessions or “money power and prestige” and turn, instead, to love, faith and connection, a beautiful thing.  A person who is dying just wants to be with you and know you care.  It is as if they know that love and connection have eternal significance and some importance.  Various mystics, saints and other spiritual people through the ages have realized similar things.  I have found small children, who are also closer to the Source, to be much the same.
I should clarify that when I speak of love, I am not talking about the codependent type of love that is often depicted in movies, soap operas or country music.  I am referring to the selfless, truly unconditional love that radiates from God, or whatever you wish to call it.

What Does Not Matter

There was a clinical staff meeting today at the place where I get most of my referrals, which included me and the two other primary therapists.  One of the main topics was the intake process, which typically I conduct, based on very limited background information gleaned from the program’s application form.  It was suggested that we gather more information, through a phone interview, prior to the actual admission of a new resident/client.  I made it clear that I believed that we should have the additional information, that I endorsed the idea of a phone interview, but that I would not do it.  It was then decided that one of the other therapists would make the necessary phone contacts and the intake decisions.  Since the intake decisions were being shifted from me to another therapist, I was asked several times if I objected to the shift.  Each time I was asked if I objected, I tried to make it clear that I did not.  I consider such a shift to be relatively trivial and it is, after all, just a job.  In my view, getting disturbed about it would just be a waste of time and energy.  Life is too short and wondrous to do that!
In connection with the attitude I express above, I read about twenty years ago that “nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all”.  This situation falls in the latter category.  My ego and I struggled with this concept for years, and I now see the wisdom in it.

Spiritual Materialism

Today just felt like a regular, routine sort of a day, no external adversities to overcome or personal problems to work through. A day like today makes it clear to me that usually I feel like I have something to overcome, some sort of a hill to climb.  I was surprised and pleased at the efficiency of having some medical tests on my thyroid (normal) done, in and out in under fifteen minutes.  A bit later, I met with a close friend and had a good period of love and connection.  There were several very pleasant interactions with Maria during the day and, significantly, I had no pain to speak of.  The day just felt very pleasant!
One topic that came up during my meeting with my friend was “spiritual materialism”, the tendency to attach to some sort of spiritual principle, use it to promote oneself, with the effect of blocking or impeding further growth.  We each acknowledged how easy it was to fall into that trap, as I have done in the past.  I enjoy being “the world’s greatest expert” and find it hard to recognize that I am actually hurting myself.  It is a trap that is very attractive to the ego and the opposite of humility and openness.

Fear

As frequently happens when something throws me off balance a bit, I keep slipping back into fear, even though I continue to do all the things I do to stay balanced.  In this case, it was my diarrhea and general malaise that threw me off balance and my fear is that my physical condition is getting worse.  I have no indication (other than a vivid imagination!) that my physical condition is worsening, though that is expected, according to the doctors.  I even know my fear to be illusory.  My problems are real, the fear is not.  It is also clear to me that when I ask the universe/God for help in dealing with my condition, I get it and that overall I will continue to be just fine, whatever that means.
Tonight the recovery meeting, not surprisingly, was about the many forms that fears take and how fears tend to run our lives, at times.  I was reminded of how various fears use to run my life and I had a feeling of gratitude that those fears are now just whispers and that they have been replaced by love and faith.