Anger

My wife, Maria, got angry with me today and I listened to her anger without shrinking or getting defensive, sincerely apologized for my inappropriate action, and let the incident go without ruminating. This response was remarkable given my history of not dealing well with anger. During my developmental years in an angry home I shrank to a "little mouse" in response to anger. During later years I learned to appear strong in the face of anger while still shrinking inside. I would also blow up in a rage, losing control and doing stupid things, periodically. I was hurt and angry. I then began to confront my anger, which terrified me. After the incident I would ruminate for a day or so. Today I did well and let it go cleanly.

Gratitude

Today I feel gratitude, peace and acceptance about my life, my issues and problems or challenges. The difference between today and a few days ago when I was feeling bothered is the amount of rest, self-care and prayer I have been doing. Exercise helps too. The self-care usually consisted of sitting and sorting, contemplating and meditating, the sorts of things I used to avoid since those things involve looking inside. The issues have not changed, I have.

Holistic Healing

I did not realize it then, but the "massive shifts" I spoke of bothering me two days ago are largely internal and still bothersome. I have not yet come to peace with them completely and I am still encountering some fear. The turmoil in me is due to what I am uncovering in my attempts at the self-healing of my disability and jaw/speech/eating problems. Through my connecting or joining with the problems I have encountered layers of karma, God’s will and personal agendas, all of which need to be addressed if healing is to take place. After dealing with those issues there is, of course, the matter of the physical condition. In the past the self-healing I have done was straight forward since it dealt only with the physical problem.

Change

In the past I have referred to the way I felt as "being lost in a trackless desert" but today (in Maria’s words) felt like "being lost on a trackless anthill", because of the feeling that massive changes or shifts in perspective are taking place. Many people around me have commented on the "shift in attitude towards love" and compassion which I spoke of a few days ago. It is exciting to watch and I cannot help but wonder where it will lead. I will continue to play my part, as best I can, and let the rest go.

Dreamer

You can call me crazy or a dreamer or anything you like but I spend my life promoting change in the direction of love, compassion, understanding and support for one another. I do this all day but in a concentrated period when I get up in the middle of the night. When I get up I pray, meditate, communicate with God and work with spirits while broadcasting love the whole time. I ask for guidance from God and I encourage the spirits to influence similar change in others. I have been told by several people that the changes I promote are happening and I hope I am adding to it. "We can cultivate an environment among us which will foster one another’s spiritual growth by directing and redirecting intention and attention to God; by discouraging what draws us away; by loving support for each other in the vicissitudes of our utterly human lives; by respecting and cherishing the uniqueness of each life. (Patricia Loring)

Ministry

I have the gift or being able to radiate God’s Love to the people and things around me and the effect of that on people has been quite apparent these last few days. People have been enjoying being close to me and feeling obvious joy. It’s nice for me to have that impact. I also encourage the spirits around me to influence people similarly, which they do, and enjoy. The net result is a shift in attitude towards love, my ministry.

Holistic Healing

I have achieved partial healing with my disability and for the last several days I have been trying to accomplish more. I have found that healing simple pathological conditions (cuts, burns, lesions) using the power of love through healing touch to be relatively straightforward and successful. In the case of my disability "it’s not that simple". As is my practice, I have been joining with my disability through meditation and through my exploration I have encountered a number of attitudinal and karmic factors which I have been sorting through. My object is to achieve the highest level of healing possible within God’s or the Universe’s plan for the greatest service to my fellows and eternity.

Boundaries

The theme for today’s recovery meeting was service especially to the newcomer and the integrity of the program in general. There were many strong and sometimes opposing views expressed about maintaining firm boundaries and continuing with the rules and guidelines of that specific program, as if the people within that program were different from all others. I certainly agree that, for the sake of the group, we should maintain our rules and guidelines. I also kept thinking that we are all basically the same, all one, and we all just want love, peace and understanding no matter what group we are part of.

Self-Worth

At my recovery meeting today several people spoke of being emotionally abusive and demanding toward themselves. I commented that was one of the hardest attitudes for me to give up during my many years of recovery but that I no longer did that. One of the factors that helped me a lot was the soft, gentle laughter I heard when I spoke of my tendency at meetings. At times I do still have difficulty with low self-worth and holding myself back or expecting to be put down. I was feeling that today, but, thankfully, not right now.

Paradox

Today I encountered the phrase "nothing matters; everything matters" and immediately knew that both were true. My understanding behind that "knowingness" is that nothing earthly matters within eternity since everything earthly is so temporal and replaceable. On the other hand everything matters since all thoughts and actions have at least a small impact on eternity. For me, the knowingness came first and was followed by logical understanding. I still feel more comfortable if I can put something in terms that I can logically understand.  I enjoy paradox.