Practices

I can’t say that I am struggling but certainly very aware of my need to increase my practices right now — at least the ones that are left!  There is a great deal of anxiety and fear about the virus, the economy and potential job loss as well as normal worries.  In addition to that, my meetings have stopped (some have moved on line which is not the same) and Maria is staying with and caring for her mother.  So, basically, my life lacks the structure, anchors and organization it had a few weeks ago, leaving me on my own.  I continually remind myself of God’s presence, gratitude and harmony with all things all during the day.  I have also been meditating more and spending more time in my gardens.  I am aware of a dangerous tendency to relax my practices and I may need to do more.  We shall see!

Self-care

The disruption due to the corona virus (especially the lack of recovery meetings) and my wife being absent has left me feeling emotionally fragile.  There is a lack of effortless structure and a need for positive feelings and feelings of gratitude, all things I can work on and need to be careful about right now.  Last night I watched a movie about child abduction and general anti-social behavior.  Precisely what I should not watch and it haunted me all night.  I should spend time focusing on love and gratitude and, if I choose to watch movies let them be heroic movies about love.

Perspective

In my life I utilize a very large number of emotional and spiritual practices in order to achieve a sense of peace and well being.  Practices like quiet time, exercise, meditation, prayer, biofeedback relaxation and Tai-Chi which cost little or nothing and are largely self-motivated.  Practices that do not support an economy or way of life which depends on spending money, possession of “things” and external factors as a source of happiness.  These practices result in a very deep and largely unshakable sense of love and well-being which I wish others could experience — but most others do not want to because they would have to give up too much.  It struck me this morning that, given the current situation, they may have no choice, which may, ultimately, be a good thing.

Gratitude

I was cleaning the racks from my oven this morning and feeling very matter-of-fact about it so I reminded myself to feel grateful I could even do it, that it was a gift and privilege to have the means and opportunity.  I am reminded of the fact that I can now mow the front lawn and that I could not a few years ago.  Mowing that yard takes me two hours and exhausts me for that day.  Sometimes my neighbors come over and do it for me while they mow their own yards.  It takes them fifteen minutes and is not a big deal.

Structure

Right now several of the factors which provide predictable structure in my life are missing or changing which makes it difficult for me to maintain my many healthy habits like regular exercise, prayer, meditation and plenty of rest and sleep.  I find it easy to fall back into chaos and distraction.  My mother-in-law is in need of care right now so my wife, Maria, is staying with her.  She has been one of my anchors.  The places that I normally go to recovery meetings are closed so that part of my structure is also missing.  I tried to do the weekly shopping two days ago only to find crowds of angry, fearful people and missing supplies.  Time to get back to my exercise routine and then I think I will meditate!

Self-Love

I had a dream last night that reminded me that only if I love all aspects of myself can I truly soar and become all I can be.  In the dream I was asked or proposed  to use a ragtag group of around a dozen scruffy looking individuals in order to pilot some sort of flying ship that would take us to our destination.  Those dozen scruffy individuals were parts of my previous self that I still feel need some “cleaning up” in order to be useful — they do not they are perfect parts of me and my past.  The parts of my past self that come to mind are my sullen and resistant “pea coat”, the little boy that wandered in the woods and would talk to no-one and the “addictive, antisocial  jerk” of my years of using and drinking.  I found myself talking about the need for self-love yesterday.  My self-love needs to include these parts if I wish to soar.

Thoroughness

I have spent years in recovery from the imprisonment of erroneous internal concepts which originated from my family of origin and my own addictive pattern.  I attempted to become aware and be rid of those patterns in order to have greater peace and freedom from the biases that prevented me from accurately perceiving the “whisper of the wind” and the world around me.  As advised, I have tried to be thorough in my search and have found a large degree of freedom and joy, as a result.  However the uncovering process also allows me to see clearly that I am not done uncovering biases and beliefs that block me from my goal.  For example, I was just watching a movie (Taking Chance) which dealt with many ideas commonly held about death, war and military service.  That movie made it quite clear to me that I had no clue about common perceptions or the reality of death.

Change

Recently, I have been dealing with internal conflict which express themselves through physical symptoms like muscle spasms and sore joints or muscles.  In this case the conflict arises because part of me wishes to move forward and develop more spiritually, which, like any change, means the future will be different and that I will have to adjust.  There is another part of me that views the change as a risk and that I might be uncomfortable for a time, which is true.  I am feeling the feelings and reassuring myself that everything will work out fine.  I am frequently conflicted by growth and it has always been good as long as I go in a loving direction and ask for guidance along the way..

Connection

I generally go about my day feeling connected, a personal part of the flow of life, a feeling of fullness or fulfillment.  Through all of the people, places and events, that connection is also with the source, presence, love or God.  I also enjoy some distractions like quiet music and movies which tend to break that connection but are still pleasurable, if I don’t over do it.  There are also distractions like loud raucous music and stand up comedy which break that connection and are not pleasurable for me.  I prefer feeling that connection the vast majority of the time.  I depend on it.  Without it my life is less pleasant.

Life

I have been carefully molded and cared for in order to become the person I am and pray for that to continue every night.  It’s a wonderfully fulfilling way of life which is described very well by Saint Faustina Kowalska; “When a soul has come out of these tribulations, it is deeply humble. Its purity of soul is great.  It knows better without need of reflecting, as it were, what it ought too do at a given moment and what to forbear.  It feels the lightest touch of grace and is very faithful to God.  It recognizes God from afar and continuously rejoices in Him.  It discovers God very quickly in other souls and in its environment in general.  The soul has been purified by God Himself.  God, as pure spirit, introduces the soul to a life which is purely spiritual.  God Himself has first prepared and purified the soul; that is, He has made it capable of close communion with Himself.  The soul, in a state of loving repose, communes spiritually with the Lord.  It speaks to God without the need of expressing itself through the senses.  God fills it with His light.”