Listening not Fighting

  For my own peace of mind and clarity I have been attempting to piece together how I have dealt with my disability over the last thirty-five years.  My disability is a chronic, degenerative, neurological disease similar to Parkinson’s or M.S., but, as I mentioned in my last entry: I have gotten better, did not die and have not gotten worse.  So, my question is what have I done differently.

I did not “fight” my disability or struggle against it in any way.  Actually my disability taught me that since fighting spastic muscles just makes them worse I’m better off accepting them and what they can tell me.  In fact, my disability has taught me many things since I listen to it without considering it an enemy.  It has helped me with things like patience, acceptance and tolerance in addition to teaching me to listen better. I am the person I am today in part, because of my disability.  My relation with it is complex and multifaceted. I have “joined” with my disability, treating it in some ways as an unwelcome partner in my life.  It has definitely made my life more difficult in many ways.  However I am very grateful for the person I have become. I respect it, accept it but do not like it.  I also honor it as a sacred gift from God just like just like rocks, trees, sunsets, rain and oceans. 

In joining with my disability I also negotiate with it.  On one hand I will do all I can to make it go away while also appreciating its gifts and respecting it.  My disability is integral to who I am and what I do.  I also know that, given a chance, it will kill me which I am not ready for yet since I am not done.  There is no feeling of malice or anger on either side, it is as it is.

Looking back, I would not change a thing since that would make me different, but I wish that was not so.

Power of Love

  Earlier this month I wrote about truth and reality.  Part of reality that people in the medical profession have difficulty accepting is what I call the power of love.  In my case I have repeatedly used that power to my obvious benefit, often while being diagnosed and seen by doctors.  I would be a fool not to believe in that power.  I also need to acknowledge  myself for using it.

In 1988 I was diagnosed with cerebellar degeneration, a chronic, degenerative neurological disease, and told it would never get better and continue to worsen.  My reading informed me that I should expect to die within two to five years, and since I was in bad shape at that point, it would probably be closer to two.  Well I did get better (not all the way), and did not get worse, except for my speech.  I used the feeling of love with meditation and imaging.  I have since used the same techniques for numerous skin lesions, hypothyroidism, heart, lung and prostate problems.  I use no medications and have not been sick in eight years.  Not bad for an old man of 75!  Something is working!

Quiet Time

  The other day my wife asked me to talk with someone on the phone and I signaled that I would do so but needed a few minutes of lead time.  I took that time to clear my head of its regular thoughts (cooking dinner, balancing the checkbook, which movie to watch, etc.) so that I could listen better.  I wanted to listen more clearly to them, God and my own intuition so that I could then respond to their needs, not something else.  I find that I need periods of quiet time during the day in order to function well.  “It [inner silence] is to establish an inner peace, an inner harmony, which will allow us authentically to contribute to the establishment of an outer peace and an outer harmony in the world at large.” (Daniel A. Seeger)

Honesty

  As a child I noticed that many of the adults around me (primarily teachers and parents at that point) preferred appearances to reality.  They wanted things to look good and tended to look past things they did not want to see.  I realize now that my observation was overly simplistic, but I have certainly used it to my advantage.  I have seen the same tendency many times since then, with a variety of justifications or rationalizations.  My concern, for me, is that the approach is not honest.  When I began recovery I realized that I was striving to present myself as the perfect recovering person, not admitting the truth of who I was.  I did that well, learning the right things to say and do!  I then realized I was hurting myself and began trying to be honest, difficult but worth it.  I still have to watch myself on that one!

Overthinking

  While meditating today I was reflecting on the work I do with spirits, in preparation for my wife and I visiting a troubled graveyard where some spirits hangout.  As I frequently do when thinking ahead, I was focused on problems I might encounter and the possibility of not being able to cope with whatever happens, not worrying but definitely ruminating.  What I then heard was “don’t think, just do.  The fact is that when I am in the middle of any situation I simply do what I am called on to do or I ask for help.  It often works out better if I do not plan ahead for some things.  I can hold myself back.  “Words and thoughts often block the doorway to the soul.” (Valerie Brown) 

God Seed

  I have made it a point to nurture the part of me which I call my God seed, the part of me that feels connected to God, love, compassion and eternity.  I discovered that part through meditation and found it felt much better than my angry/aggressive/violent, materialistic and self-centered part, which I had acted out of for may years.  I now know that the God or love seed is a part of each of us.  I found that out through my work as a therapist with recovering heroin addicts and others who were having difficulties with the legal system.  Love is the way I find and nurture that part.  “From everywhere, it seems, we are bombarded with the idea that our nature is innately violent, that our chief preoccupation is with our sexuality, and that our main purpose in life is the acquirement of ever more nifty possessions.......Indeed, it is only through the practice of inner silence that we can begin to disentangle ourselves from our culture and its illusions. (Daniel A. Seeger)

Choice

  In my self development process I have focused on developing what I call my God seed, the part of me that feels connected to God, love, compassion and eternity.  In order to develop that part I have found it best to de-emphasize my aggressive/violent, materialistic and self-centered tendencies in favor of things like being of service or relationships.  It’s a simple choice of which wolf I want to feed.  I also need to do a lot of self-care in order to be available.  I make my choice because it feels best and more fulfilling.  “To become a person one must both affirm and deny himself.  One involves the other.” (Rufus Jones)

Spiritual Experiences

  I have been reading The Varieties of Spiritual of Spiritual Experience, 21st Century Research and Perspectives by Yaden and Newberg and found it very thorough in terms of the varieties of experience and attempts at elucidating them   I have also had numerous spiritual experiences of my own and had my life changed accordingly.  In my reading, I am reminded that “No process of analysis, no piling up of descriptive accounts, no reversion to antecedent causes, brings us any nearer to what we mean by beauty, goodness or love.” (Rufus Jones).  I also recall that Margaret Mead once wrote that “As I understand contemporary trends of physical science, there is increasing recognition of vast unknown areas which science may explore and assist in ordering, but to which it may never provide anything like complete answers.”

God/love

  I do not personify God since I find no reason to do so.  I experience God as love and have integrated that feeling into all; of my beliefs and activities.  I practice formal sitting prayer and meditation for at least an hour a day and, less formally, walking around meditatively for another hour or so.  I generally feel connected to God/love and grateful for the rest of the day.  So I know and experience God/love much of the time, but I wish to also clarify that I do not understand God/love.  It is a wonderful way of life and I depend on that connection.  I use that power for my own health and healing as well as other activities, but I do not understand its full extent,  "That God is both utterly beyond me and yet totally within me at the same time is the exquisite balance that most religion seldom achieves..." (from “Immortal Diamond”, by R. Rohr) 

Loving Communication

While contemplating my upcoming visit with a neurologist I realized that because of my past unhelpful visits with medical people, I was setting up a defensive attitude for this visit.  Not a good idea!  I would like the visit to be free, respectful and understanding, resulting in a neurologist who is an ally who appreciates my position.  Understanding on his part would also be nice, but is probably unrealistic given the fact that using my various practices, I accomplish things that are considered impossible and am far healthier than I should be.  My assuming that I have to defend myself starts us off on the wrong foot.  I fully realize that I am putting him in a challenging position so starting out with an open, loving and respectful attitude is more likely to produce the results I desire.