Love 2

  Back in 2006 I had my near-death-experience when I went to the “other side”, or was dead or near to death for however long it took  During that time I experienced a feeling of intense Godly love and was told that “this is what it feels like to be dead”.  I was then offered a chance to come back and “be of service” by spreading that love.  Since then I have succeeded in transmitting that feeling to others, though only when it was “called for”, not as a result of my own effort.  I also find that I can generate that same powerful, healing, loving feeling when I meditate deeply.  I use that feeling for my own healing and continue to attempt transmission to the healing of others.  It works for me and I am not dead yet so will keep trying!

Love

  I once wrote that “Love is a willingness to sacrifice and devote oneself to someone else’s emotional and spiritual well being and growth.  It is both a feeling and the action springing from that feeling.  Passion, excitement and lust come and go, love does not.  Love always increases the integrity of the universe.  It is inclusive, compassionate, understanding, forgiving and accepting.  Judgement, exclusion, self-interest and criticism do not fit within love”

That strikes me today as a very good description.  More recently I have been reflecting on the power of love to heal and support everything and everyone who experiences it.  As I have described earlier in my journal, I use love for my own physical healing.  Feeling love also broadcasts into the energy around us, affecting all, as do fear and anger.  I used to feel a lot of fear and anger — I much prefer the feeling of love.

 "Love has a quality you can learn to discern.  It 'feels right'.  It is truthful and inclusive.  There is no objective measurement to confirm that you are experiencing love.  You can only trust your intuition and do your best.  If you do, your capacity to discern love will grow.  We are all learning this skill." (Shepherd Hoodwin)

Conscious 2

  I would certainly like to know and understand more about consciousness, but I am also grateful to know that it is far more complex and expansive than commonly believed.  I find that if I listen openly and without judgment or fear, I can hear the “whispers” of plants, spirits and various forces from within the unseen realm around us.  I often notice “lower” animals responding to those whispers as well and suspect that the ability has evolutionary significance.  I have also had several out-of-body experiences when my consciousness seemed to be out of my body.  “There is a door in the mind that opens with acceptance, and closes with judgment of any kind.    There is a door in the heart that opens with trust and closes when fear of any kind is felt.”  (Paul Ferrini)

Listening

Today I have been reflecting on my ability to listen deeply, which I work on daily and have commented on many times in this journal.  My ability to listen has added greatly to the richness of my life.  If I am internally quiet I can communicate with the plants in my yard, feel the more intense feelings of those I am interacting with and communicate with spirits.  I just have to quiet my internal dialog, which of course requires constant attention and is next to impossible.  I do better to not watch or listen to much news and stay away from rapid fire things like the internet.  I like meditation and quiet time.  Laughing at my own brain chatter rather than fighting or judging it also helps.

 

Truth

  Many years ago, when I was involved in my post-doctoral studies, other scientists and I were deeply involved in exploring the issues of that time, which included topics like competition, imprinting and behavioral determinism.  At that time several respected scientists and a Nobel Laureate commented that there was something far more complex going on.  They were ignored and/or discredited, which disappointed me since they were making the important point that the truth was more than was being attended to.  I have noticed a similar pattern many times since.  It seems to me that scientists and others are searching for truth as long as that truth falls within certain comfortable and predictable boundaries.  That is not how truth works!  The reason this is on my mind is that unfortunately my health condition falls outside of those boundaries since I am doing far better than I should be.  The truth of the actions I have taken is largely ignored or discredited while it could help others.  I live that truth.

Consciousness

  I would like to know and understand more of what is usually called consciousness.  I do know enough to know that I do not know, so I am keeping my mind open. There is the simple and logical part of the conscious mind which can guide us in doing many wonderful things, like designing computers, judging right and wrong, performing job functions, telling us to brush our teeth, performing scientific studies and providing us with an endless source of entertainment. In short it can tell us some simple facts about how to get along in the world. The conscious mind can and often does a great deal more than that, if a person is willing to expand their awareness  beyond the limits of commonly held beliefs.  For example, we are interacting at all times with the unseen reality around us through our feelings, intuition and interactions.  Everything we say or do impacts the energy field around us, and we react to that.  “As I understand contemporary trends of physical science, there is increasing recognition of vast unknown areas which science may explore and assist in ordering, but to which it may never provide anything like complete answers.”  (Margaret Mead)

Differences

  Today is Thanksgiving and in addition to feeling my normal peace and gratitude, I am very aware of how different I am from the dominant culture.  This morning while on my exercise machines I listened to NPR and they were all about socializing, feasting, black Friday, video games and buying things.  I have no interest in any of that. Last weekend I had a lovely conversation with my sister-in-law about her home furnishings and some other matters.  What was lovely about the conversation was not what we talked about but the feelings that were shared. I enjoyed the enjoyment I felt from her.  I used to try to fit in, now I just enjoy

Feelings

In my entry toward the end of last month I wrote of “joining with” and not fighting my disability and that has been true for me. My emotional position allows me to listen to what it has to tell me.  I also just realized how angry it made (makes?) me.  I have found it very important to feel all of my feeling and in this case if I am to honor, respect and accept my disability, I also need to feel my anger and intense dislike for what it has put me through.  I need to love it note like it.

 

Sacred Balance

  Life on this planet is sacred and beautiful.  I can see it, feel it and enjoy it all day, every day if I am internally and externally quiet.  The beauty includes all things alive and supposedly dead — rocks, trees, soil, babies, sunsets, death/dying and feces.  Everything is becoming or fading in a beautiful and delicate balance.  I find it easy to celebrate the creation side of this scenario with its growth, hope and promise.  It is also important for me to realize that death/dying/fading is a necessary part of creation.  That part is sad and often contains regret for me, but also the possibility of more creation.  “It [inner silence] is to establish an inner peace, an inner harmony, which will allow us authentically to contribute to the establishment of an outer peace and an outer harmony in the world at large.” (Daniel A. Seeger)

Listening not Fighting

  For my own peace of mind and clarity I have been attempting to piece together how I have dealt with my disability over the last thirty-five years.  My disability is a chronic, degenerative, neurological disease similar to Parkinson’s or M.S., but, as I mentioned in my last entry: I have gotten better, did not die and have not gotten worse.  So, my question is what have I done differently.

I did not “fight” my disability or struggle against it in any way.  Actually my disability taught me that since fighting spastic muscles just makes them worse I’m better off accepting them and what they can tell me.  In fact, my disability has taught me many things since I listen to it without considering it an enemy.  It has helped me with things like patience, acceptance and tolerance in addition to teaching me to listen better. I am the person I am today in part, because of my disability.  My relation with it is complex and multifaceted. I have “joined” with my disability, treating it in some ways as an unwelcome partner in my life.  It has definitely made my life more difficult in many ways.  However I am very grateful for the person I have become. I respect it, accept it but do not like it.  I also honor it as a sacred gift from God just like just like rocks, trees, sunsets, rain and oceans. 

In joining with my disability I also negotiate with it.  On one hand I will do all I can to make it go away while also appreciating its gifts and respecting it.  My disability is integral to who I am and what I do.  I also know that, given a chance, it will kill me which I am not ready for yet since I am not done.  There is no feeling of malice or anger on either side, it is as it is.

Looking back, I would not change a thing since that would make me different, but I wish that was not so.