Knowing My Limits

For the last two days (Thursday and Friday of each week), I have been seeing clients, something I really enjoy, if I stay within my own limits.  I can only, effectively, see three or four a day, since connecting and listening the way I do is a lot of work and I often see fewer.  If I see more than four I get exhausted.  If I see less than four, I feel invigorated!  My clients come to expect and appreciate the type of service I provide and recognize how much effort I put in.  Overall, it feels like a good match.

Fear

The topic in the meeting today was fear or, for some, fear of change.  The topic and comments caused me to reflect on my fears in the past and the present.  In the past, I recognized that there was comfort and familiarity in being a bit of a stubborn, appositional jerk and a bit of a screw up.  The way I was at that time.  Changing away from that invoked a great deal of fear since, if I gave that up, I did not know if anything would be left, and I simply did not know what was on the other side, if I gave up that way of being.  I went through with the change due, primarily, to the guidance of other people.
In the present I have some fears that hold me back from being all I can be.  As I said after the meeting today, I am a special person with unique gifts who is of service to many people.  Putting it simply “I am Charlie and that is what I do”.  The fact is, that I have little more than begun to tap into that power I call God or love and how that power can change my life.  There is more there and a vague sort of fear keeps me from accessing it.  I will continue to allow that fear to pass..

A Different Approach

A day of staff meetings, concerning the welfare of the clients that I work with and their peers in the same program.  I strive, fairly successfully, to be ego-less and selfless during the meetings, reminding myself that my role is to be of service and that it’s about them, not me.  As I indicated in my previous entry, I still get whispers of self-will and my own ego importance.  For the most part, I am amused when I here those whispers.  Living in response to those messages of ego, control and self-will resulted in a lot of discomfort for me.  Generally, I no longer act on those impulses and, as a result things go more smoothly.

Prayer & Meditation

I now get pulled back into my old way of thinking (fear, anger, self-judgment, self-deprecation) every few months, and even then, only for a few minutes.  It is quite noticeable and somewhat embarrassing!  I generally stay in the wonderful peace, love and serenity of “I am”, with whispers in my head of my old thoughts and attitudes.  I usually don’t get pulled in to believing the thoughts are real.  I attribute my attitude shift to the prayer and meditation I do each morning.  Taking the time each morning changes my whole day.

The Sense of "I Am"

Today, I was struck once again, that from a sense the peace, serenity and empty fullness of “I am”, I can observe the craziness in my own head and all around me or even experience pain and disability, without getting attached to it.  The real me does not experience these things, they are a product of my body.  The craziness, disability or pain  all seem like a fabrication of my mind which is very real in some ways but also not part of the real me.  The real me, the “I am”, existed before my body and will exist after it passes.

Going Into The Pain

As often happens, I had pain and numbness going down one of my legs for  several days, leading up to today, a sure sign of lower back problems.  It was my left leg this time, which is pretty unusual.  I began focusing on my pain during meditation, at first asking what it was about, then releasing the fear.  I also increased my stretching, back exercises.  As a result, today I only had minor back soreness rather than having pain going down my leg, a clear improvement.  Part of me wishes I did not have to go through such a process and part of me is extremely grateful that I know to do it.

Being Human

I have a strong feeling that “the universe is unfolding as it should” (Ehrmann) and that I am in harmony with it, a feeling of love, peace and connection.  I find that remarkable since I do not like many of the events that are happening in my life.  I suspect that a good part of the feeling of harmony stems from the events I spoke of yesterday.  At any rate, it is nice to have that feeling of peace and to not feel conflicted over the way various events are taking place around me.  Generally, my feelings of conflict change nothing anyway, an example of being a silly human!

Doing The Right Thing

I carried out an emotionally extremely difficult task today.   In addition to making use of my three questions (would I do this in front of God?; is my name really on it?; will this increase the integrity of the universe?), I asked for guidance and support throughout.  I feel very good about my actions, but I did not enjoy it in the least.  I had several opportunities to avoid the interactions entirely, which part of me wanted to do, but it always felt like it would “increase the integrity of the universe” more if I did it myself, so I did.  I could feel my connection with God through the whole process.  It was very good and extremely unpleasant at the same time.

Progress Not Perfection

There are many events that happen to me each day that I, quite literally, take no notice of at all, knowing that in the grand scheme of things, they mean next to nothing.  I simply go about my day sensing perfection and harmony.  There are other events that the biggest part of me realizes they mean next to nothing, but I still get twinges of involvement or interest.  For example, things like stories on the radio, financial matters, clients not showing up for appointments or my ego getting stepped on a bit by most people, make no difference to me and I truly have no emotional reaction.  On the other hand, when my ego gets stepped on by a few, select people, I get a twinge of a defensive emotional response, which I do not act on, but I take note of.  Progress not Perfection comes to mind.

Letting Go

The most important event of the day was a sweat lodge for a bunch (10+3 staff) of newly recovering, young addicts and alcoholics, with two being new to the lodge.  During the lodge preparation it was noticeable to me that no matter what I did (multiple pallets, vigorous fanning and wood), I could not get the stones hot, though I kept trying, just to be sure.  I began to realize that, for some reason, the coolish rocks were by design, that was the way it was supposed to be.  Because of the coolish stones, the first two rounds were relatively mellow, then people left the lodge and the stones heated up readily.  As a result, the last two rounds were fairly hot.  The whole experience was an exercise in the universe unfolding the way it should.  Understanding is not required.