Finding The God Place

During my morning meditation I systematically reject the many, fear-based distractions that my brain places in front of me and, then, arrive at the “God place” of love, peace, well-being and connectedness.  The fact is that the reality of the God place is always there, I just need to clear away the distractions of day to day living in order to find it.  In meditation I simply take note of concepts and ideas of my brain rather than try to push them away or draw them to me.  I then realize that the ideas are transient, have no real meaning and let them go, sometimes repeatedly.  When I do that, just like letting the stirred up mud in a stream clear, the presence of what is really there becomes clear, meaning the God place.  I can, often, carry this attitude with me during the day, realizing when I get drawn into the distractions and letting them go.

Following A Path

Many of the recovering alcoholics and addicts I work with have expressed a fear that they do not have the ability to stay clean and sober, long term.  Similarly, many of the non-addictive people I work with worry that they will not have the necessary discipline to follow a spiritual path.  Part of me thinks “It’s really very simple, just never do anything that leads you down a non-spiritual/addictive path”.  The other part of me realizes that is like saying “stop being human”.  What seems to work for me, though I’m not certain why, is to ask for help and guidance every day and then to listen to that “small quiet voice” all day and act accordingly.  In my case, if I do that, the necessary actions follow spontaneously.  Understanding is not required.

Being Human

Being human, the human condition, is hard to deal with and stay relatively balanced emotionally, physically, spiritually and cognitively.   For me, staying balanced requires a great deal of discipline coupled with what I call “sorting time”, periods of unstructured contemplation.  I cannot let up or totally relax for more than a day, usually a few hours, without some negative consequences.  In my case I have the special challenges of physical problems and addictive tendencies.  Others that I work with have different sets of problems or special challenges to deal with.  The fact is that most (all?) of us have something.  Sorting through the difficulties and staying balanced while growing toward love and connectedness is part of the beauty and difficulty of being human, a wonderful process.

Knowing My Limits

For the last two days (Thursday and Friday of each week), I have been seeing clients, something I really enjoy, if I stay within my own limits.  I can only, effectively, see three or four a day, since connecting and listening the way I do is a lot of work and I often see fewer.  If I see more than four I get exhausted.  If I see less than four, I feel invigorated!  My clients come to expect and appreciate the type of service I provide and recognize how much effort I put in.  Overall, it feels like a good match.

Fear

The topic in the meeting today was fear or, for some, fear of change.  The topic and comments caused me to reflect on my fears in the past and the present.  In the past, I recognized that there was comfort and familiarity in being a bit of a stubborn, appositional jerk and a bit of a screw up.  The way I was at that time.  Changing away from that invoked a great deal of fear since, if I gave that up, I did not know if anything would be left, and I simply did not know what was on the other side, if I gave up that way of being.  I went through with the change due, primarily, to the guidance of other people.
In the present I have some fears that hold me back from being all I can be.  As I said after the meeting today, I am a special person with unique gifts who is of service to many people.  Putting it simply “I am Charlie and that is what I do”.  The fact is, that I have little more than begun to tap into that power I call God or love and how that power can change my life.  There is more there and a vague sort of fear keeps me from accessing it.  I will continue to allow that fear to pass..

A Different Approach

A day of staff meetings, concerning the welfare of the clients that I work with and their peers in the same program.  I strive, fairly successfully, to be ego-less and selfless during the meetings, reminding myself that my role is to be of service and that it’s about them, not me.  As I indicated in my previous entry, I still get whispers of self-will and my own ego importance.  For the most part, I am amused when I here those whispers.  Living in response to those messages of ego, control and self-will resulted in a lot of discomfort for me.  Generally, I no longer act on those impulses and, as a result things go more smoothly.

Prayer & Meditation

I now get pulled back into my old way of thinking (fear, anger, self-judgment, self-deprecation) every few months, and even then, only for a few minutes.  It is quite noticeable and somewhat embarrassing!  I generally stay in the wonderful peace, love and serenity of “I am”, with whispers in my head of my old thoughts and attitudes.  I usually don’t get pulled in to believing the thoughts are real.  I attribute my attitude shift to the prayer and meditation I do each morning.  Taking the time each morning changes my whole day.

The Sense of "I Am"

Today, I was struck once again, that from a sense the peace, serenity and empty fullness of “I am”, I can observe the craziness in my own head and all around me or even experience pain and disability, without getting attached to it.  The real me does not experience these things, they are a product of my body.  The craziness, disability or pain  all seem like a fabrication of my mind which is very real in some ways but also not part of the real me.  The real me, the “I am”, existed before my body and will exist after it passes.

Going Into The Pain

As often happens, I had pain and numbness going down one of my legs for  several days, leading up to today, a sure sign of lower back problems.  It was my left leg this time, which is pretty unusual.  I began focusing on my pain during meditation, at first asking what it was about, then releasing the fear.  I also increased my stretching, back exercises.  As a result, today I only had minor back soreness rather than having pain going down my leg, a clear improvement.  Part of me wishes I did not have to go through such a process and part of me is extremely grateful that I know to do it.

Being Human

I have a strong feeling that “the universe is unfolding as it should” (Ehrmann) and that I am in harmony with it, a feeling of love, peace and connection.  I find that remarkable since I do not like many of the events that are happening in my life.  I suspect that a good part of the feeling of harmony stems from the events I spoke of yesterday.  At any rate, it is nice to have that feeling of peace and to not feel conflicted over the way various events are taking place around me.  Generally, my feelings of conflict change nothing anyway, an example of being a silly human!