Spiritual Blessing

It was mentioned in the recovery meeting I went to today, that I had said a few months back that “pain is a spiritual blessing”.  The fact is that it is generally some form (emotional, physical, spiritual) of pain that leads us to spiritual or emotional growth.
In my case, historically, the pain has had to be pretty intense before I paid attention.  I had my first indication of physical problems late in my teenage years.  I then had periods of gradually increasing pain and problems for many years after that and responded “I can deal with this”.  I finally paid attention when I was thirty-six and knew I would die soon if I did not do something differently.  I began the journey of changing in the direction of love and spirituality and I have repeated the same pattern of not changing until things get pretty bad many times.  I have finally learned to change much more readily!
As Richard Bach said in his book One, “An easy life doesn’t teach us anything.  In the end it’s the learning that matters: what we’ve learned and how we’ve grown.” I love where the pain has led me, I did not enjoy the experience.

Listening

Today, I realized, in the middle of my conversation, that I had misunderstood the person I was conversing with.  As a result, I immediately changed my approach.  I am usually pretty good at listening, empathizing and understanding, but not in this case.  Generally, I am proud of my ability to really listen to the other person, so this was a good wake-up call.  After reflecting on the interaction, I realized that my listening was clouded by my projections and assumptions.  No blame, just a fact.  I find it useful to use introspection in monitoring myself.

Letting Go

It seems that we have a buyer for our current home and we are negotiating the final price with him.  In addition our septic system has just backed up and I am in the midst of working with body shops and insurance to get the back of my car fixed.  Tonight, Maria and I found out that we are supposed to find a house to buy and live in, during the next week.  These concerns are all mixed up with our own health concerns.  With all of these concerns it is very entertaining to witness my mind go back and forth between the fear of certain outcomes and the peace and serenity of knowing that we only have to do the next right thing and the outcomes will be just fine.

Feeling Solid

Today, several things happened in my life that could have disturbed me and taken me away from knowing that “life is good” and that everything is in “divine order”, but they did not and that pleased me.  I realized that things like insurance companies, car problems, house selling and backing up septic systems mean nothing next to the love and relationships with friends and family in my life.  The worldly events also do not alter, in any way, who I really am or my connection with “All That Is”.  My position feels very solid and real, not at all like I am trying to make it be something it is not, a feeling I am quite familiar with and have felt most of my life, regarding worldly events.

Finding Self

I used to identify empathically and closely with the suffering, fear, hurt and chaos of the world around me.  I felt like I was part of that world and, since I wanted to lead a meaningful life, I wanted to intervene and somehow make it better, less of the suffering, fear, hurt and chaos.  Now, thanks to the teachings of various mystics, spiritual leaders and my own meditation, I identify with the peace and love which is also all around me even within the suffering, fear, hurt and chaos.  During my meditation, I repeatedly turn away from any attachment to the pain of the world around me, realizing that my true Self is the peace and love I find in my connection with what I call God.  I still want to change the world, but do so in a joyful way and realize that everything is in divine order.  I also know that my actions and beliefs are part of that divine order.

Dark Side

We all have a dark or shadow side.  Personally, I lived within it for many years, while using, drinking and being unpleasant, meaning I let that negative aspect of myself dominate my thinking and actions.  Over the years, I have learned to bring that part of myself into consciousness, emotionally embrace it, and not to act on it, a process I call “holding hands with the dragon”.  I now live within love, another part of myself.  I let love dominate my thinking and actions and apply that love to my dark side.  It now feels inclusive, like total self-acceptance, which I can also apply to others.

Love

When I speak of “unconditional love”, I do not mean what I generally call “country song love”, which frequently includes things like enmeshment and co-dependence.  I do mean being willing to extend oneself for someone else’s spiritual or emotional growth, with compassion and caring, regardless of what they have said or done.  In older individuals this often involves not preventing them from experiencing natural consequences.  The love I speak of could, for example, include allowing them to experience the anxiety of placing a large amount of value on something transient like a job or the vigor of being young.  The unconditional love I speak of could also involve calling the police and allowing a person to experience going to jail.

Connecting & Healing

I was reminded today that several of the young addicts/alcoholics that I have worked with are doing very well, staying away from drugs and moving forward in their lives.  A few others are not doing well at all.  I am certainly not responsible for their successes or failures, but I play a part.  My responsibility is to “play my piano and sing my little song” the best I can, any given day, the rest is not up to me.  Just the same, I do enjoy connecting with these guys and watching them grow and change.
One of the things that has struck me over and over about working with these guys and helping them get out of a self-destructive life-style, is the importance of loving them, purely and with as little co-dependence as possible (I usually can’t escape it entirely, but I don’t act on it!).  I find it important to love them, let then know that I care, have very firm boundaries and let them also know that I will not accept lying or manipulation from them.

Eventful Day

This was a very long, eleven hour, day, which began with several hours of staff meetings and ended with several hours of sweat lodge preparation and a sweat.  I knew it would be a long, demanding day so I asked/prayed for support, and got it.  It was quite something to feel that added support flow into me and then leave, when the day was over.
The lodge for young recovering addicts, was a strong one.  They were very appreciative of the experience.  It appeared to me that they were hungry for a spiritual experience which emphasized love, connection and oneness, rather than the individuality, accomplishment and competition emphasized by the dominant culture.  It was wonderful to be a part of.

Don'T Take It Personally

I have been participating in a lot of activity in an effort to get some body-work done on my car, primarily dealing with the insurance company and the body-shop.  I find it entertaining to watch as my ego tries to jump up and assert itself, particularly when the person I am addressing reacts to my speech as if I am incompetent.  At one point it was even suggested that my wife could take care of it, since I clearly couldn’t.  Rather than reacting I simply said that I would take care of it.  It is fun to watch, and reassure myself that their reaction says little about me so there is no need to take it personally.