Self-care

The "I am" or God part of myself is very powerful, other directed, focused on gratitude and aware of my connection to everything and everyone. It feels great to be in that space. However, I have difficulty maintaining it when I am physically run down, in physical pain and/or in physical discomfort. The physical pain and discomfort both seem fairly constant and part of my reality right now, things I cannot change, but being run down is something I can guard against. It is curious to watch my thoughts slip momentarily into that negative space, just long enough for me to realize that I would rather not be there.

Transcendence

Today, I did pretty well at staying in that transcendent place - at least until the evening when I slipped back into the negative part of self, but even then I kept it to myself. During most of the day I kept reminding myself of the things I was grateful for and also kept reminding myself of the loving, eternal, God part. I kept reflecting on the words of Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj when he commented "Get to know that ‘I am’ without words which arises in the morning. Knowing the Self, abiding in the Self-knowledge, is not a mere intellectual knowing. You must be that, and you should not move away from it. Remain firm." I much prefer that part. In the evening I allowed myself to get run-down and negative.

Choice

Recently I have taken an excursion into a very human, hurt and somewhat angry part of myself rather than living out of the loving, grateful, peaceful, transcendent part. I have, understandably, focused on physical discomfort, pain, difficulties and feeling totally lost. I say "understandably" because those factors are totally real and part of my world right now. I am disabled, have pain much of the time, am in a totally new environment, have just given up my recent career and it is very hot and humid. The excursion has been useful in showing me the way some people live and the attitude I could have. However, it is time for me to live out of the transcendent God part of myself, the place I go to each morning in prayer and meditation. In that place my pain, disability and difficulties are mere shadows or do not exist at all. There is only love, gratitude and peace.

Dealing With Anger

Today I blew up at someone from the Chase bank back in AZ and, given the chance, I will make amends and, at the very least, do things differently. Right now I am attempting to look at the situation honestly and without simply justifying my behavior, which would not be helpful and would definitely not "increase the integrity of the universe". I am reminded of a comment by St. Teresa of Avila that "I never seem unable to find a reason for thinking I am being virtuous when I make excuses for myself. It is better, then, usually to abstain from self-justification under accusation except when failing to explain will cause either offense or scandal." In this situation it is easy for me to self-justify, which helps no-one and pulls me away from a loving response. It is better just to admit that my behavior was not helpful or appropriate and seek to do things differently. I need to meditate on that.

Preparing For a Long Day

Today was a very busy day. The day began with doing a dawn ceremony, doing some exercise and then going to a Friend’s meeting, an important beginning to prepare myself for the rest of the day. The most time consuming part of the day was a visit and meal with seven of my in-laws. During the visit the talk was almost entirely about trivial topics, which is difficult for me and I don’t do well with large groups. I kept asking for guidance, beginning with the dawn ceremony. The dawn ceremony consisted of me blessing the plants and environment by feeling grateful, loving, smelling the morning smells, listening to the morning sounds and telling the plants they are beautiful. I felt totally connected.

Modern Physics

I have been reading The Big Picture: On the Origins of Life, Meaning, and the Universe Itself, by physicist Sean Carroll. He and some other physicists seem to have the point of view "that the universe is something like a computer. You enter an input (the state of the universe right now), it does its calculation (the laws of physics) and it gives you an output (the state of the universe one moment later)." Personally, I have tried this point of view and found it inadequate to explain the unusual metaphysical phenomena such as those I mention particularly in the second chapter of my book (Understanding is not Required). On the other hand the force and power of love fits nicely into the field theory of quantum mechanics.

Quiet Day

The activities of today remind me of comments like "split wood and carry water" or "first the ecstacy then the dishes". The fact is that the intensity yesterday’s experience of communicating with the spirit of Peter was all I could take for a while, so today was a grounding day. I spent most of the day exercising and cleaning toilets, very down to earth and humbling. I also had periods of prayer and meditation, contemplation and planning for parts of my next book.

Eternity

Maria and I attended a Friend’s worship session tonight which also turned out to be a memorial service. I ended up communicating with the spirit of the dead person during the proceedings, a very moving experience. During his life on this planet the deceased, Peter, had numerous challenges and a very difficult time. He was now within the love, connection and eternity of the Absolute, doing very well and his troubles were over. Several people spoke of their experiences with Peter, with his brother and a long-time friend really standing out to me. The friend described a time when Peter came to his rescue during a painful social event and how grateful he was. Peter wanted me to convey to the friend that the instance and love of his friend was also a gift to Peter. In my typical manner, I spent quite a while explaining to Peter’s spirit that I could not do that since I did not know either of them and it would be weird. After considerable urging, I finally talked to the friend who was very grateful and did not question or doubt me at all.

Dealing With Fears

I watch people dealing with their fear and insecurities in a variety of non-functional ways, usually while also not admitting the driving force. For example they can appear very erudite, using big words, work all the time, have a lot of money, always be active or talk loudly and a lot, all in an attempt to feel happy and cover up the fear and insecurity they feel. I refer to these responses as non-functional because they work minimally, for a short time or not at all. I recognize the pattern, in part, because I used to do the same. I was and they are simply doing the best they can and doing what the culture tells them what will make them feel better. At this point I readily admit my fears and insecurities. I also embrace and love them as a charming and sometimes silly part of my humanity. I then attempt to focus on love, peace, connection and eternity. My approach feels very real, present and fulfilling.

Worldly Concerns

It’s very easy for me to get "off the beam" spiritually, to start believing in the chaos, disorder, pain and fear of this world rather than the peace, love and connectedness of my God nature. Listening to the news, paying attention to Facebook or even attending to the chatter of the announcers during a ball game all tend to pull me toward trivial worldly concerns. Their "call" is loud, I don’t even have to believe in them. On the other hand sitting and quietly meditating or walking around this property blessing the plants as I go brings me back to the "I am" I wish to be. I would rather base my life on love and peace rather than fear and pain.