Commitment

Today I met with one of the people that I am mentoring in his recovery process. It is a real pleasure for me to watch his excitement as his life changes in response to his definite commitment to the recovery process. His rapid progress reminds me of the comments of W. H. Murray of the Scottish Himalayan Expedition; "Until one is committed there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.  I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets: "Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it./ Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it."

Difficult Times

In my book, Three Simple Questions: Being in the World, But Not of It, I outline a way of life, an approach to life, that got me through hard times. The book revolves around three questions that I have used many times and continue to use daily. They are, (1) Would I do this in front of God, or whatever you call that power/force?; (2) Is my name really on it or is it really my responsibility?; (3) Will this increase the integrity of the universe, or is this loving? The book also contains outlines of several meditative and contemplative practices I use every day. The book contains a spiritual way of life that works for me. It’s a way of life that brings me joy even during difficult times. It is also a belief system that is totally adaptable to any person and any belief.

Perfection

The human concept of "perfection" feels wrong to me. The concept is based on duality and judgment, neither of which have significance in an eternal sense, in God’s reality and both are generally harmful. Perfection, in a human sense, means that all of the actions or thoughts are judged to fall within a certain category of being "right". For example perfect grades means all As. In God’s world, or the world of the Absolute, there is no duality so everything is perfect within its "imperfection". "Within the realm of sublime relationships nothing which exists has an opposite. All is One, and everything progresses from one to the other in a never-ending circle."(Walsch). That concept works for me.

Chaos

I felt impatient and judgmental for much of the day today, a feeling that has come over me periodically since our move back east about a year ago. It’s a feeling that results from my life being chaotic and unpredictable and my attempts at controlling and stabilizing rather than simply accepting the way it is. As I commented tonight at dinner, "I’m better off just being amused by the process". For today trivial bits of chaos bothered me like the hot pads not being in the right location when fixing dinner. I did not blow up - but it bothered me. Being at peace in the presence of chaos is still a challenge for me - laughter helps.

God Seed

We had a meeting of our book study group this morning. We are reading and discussing Healing The Heart Of Democracy: The Courage To Create a Politics Worthy of the Human Spirit, by Parker J. Palmer. During the meeting I spoke of he and I as "dreamers" since we both know it’s possible and hope that people will make better choices for life on this planet. I speak in my book of the loving and compassionate "God seed" in each of us. We all know of that "small quiet voice" but many of us choose not to act in response to it or nourish it. We often know that what we are doing is not "right" or know the "right" thing to do, choosing instead selfish actions and instant gratification. I also commented today that I used to be one of the people making self-centered, unhealthy choices and that I now love and understand people who do that.

Clarity

I am very aware that I need to keep my spiritual "garden" free of weeds so that I can listen better and maintain a high level of conscious contact with God. The most troublesome "weeds" recently have been judgment and self-righteousness, neither of which do I need. One of the factors that have brought them to my attention is my reading of historical Quaker literature which is replete with each. I find that the literature contains some good, mystical guidance but also a lot of self-pride at the gifts and criticism of those that do not choose the same path. The reading is a good reminder of what I don’t want.

Listening

Today was a day of quiet, patient (mostly!) listening for guidance, meaning meditation, contemplation and the mundane activities that allow them, like walking and weeding. Many of my activities including the work at Gettysburg and mentoring involve "humble and hidden activities", meaning lots of work with little ego gratification since no one knows. I like the words of Patricia Loring, "It requires even more discernment to discover whether the ministry called for from a particular individual in a particular instance requires prophetic speech, humble and hidden activities, bold and dramatic action, professional service or some ,novel and previously unimagined course." I attempt to listen and take whatever action is required. She goes on to say "To undertake to live a discerned life, to endeavor daily to be attuned to authentic movements of the Spirit leading us into greater fullness of life, is a strenuous undertaking."

Change

I have been reading Healing The Heart Of Democracy: The Courage To Create a Politics Worthy of the Human Spirit, by Parker J. Palmer. I have only read the first few chapters in which he outlines our political position quite well, as have others in the past. He uses words well and obviously enjoys his use of language. However, as Seeger points out "To understand better the value of silence in daily life, and its relation to this spiritual transformation for which we yearn, it is useful first to consider the limitation of language, of words......It is next useful to contemplate the limitations of logical reasoning." It occurs to me that words are easy but we need loving actions. Again, as Seeger says "It [inner silence] is to establish an inner peace, an inner harmony, which will allow us authentically to contribute to the establishment of an outer peace and an outer harmony in the world at large." We can certainly take the necessary actions - I’m interested to find out what he recommends.

Resolution

I spent most of today exercising, meditating and connecting/talking with people about my doubts - I feel like a toilet that has been well flushed. Intense exercise is good for getting in touch with feelings. Meditating is good for sorting out my feelings, which I then release through talking and meditating. One message I heard clearly is "have all the doubts you want, just keep doing it." It’s good for me to keep in touch with myself followed by processing and flushing.

Struggling

Tonight I am struggling to believe that I truly am the person I want to be, that within humility, love and God that I’m as powerful as I seem. While doing the healing, connecting, working with spirits or working with people I have no doubts - I just do it. It’s during the quiet in between times that the doubts come up. That’s when my brain attacks me. I recall the words of Williamson that "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." It’s time to sort through my doubts in meditation.