Self Realization

For the last several years, decades in some cases, I have made a strong effort to not hold myself back due to the limitations placed on myself by my own beliefs. I look around me and notice others limiting themselves and try to escape from my own beliefs. For example, I wrote my book because of the great value I have found through the force of love - but part of me says "you have a lot of nerve promoting your own story". Another example is my disability. I struggle to escape from my own beliefs which I form in response to what I am told by neurologists. I was told that I would never get better and probably continue to worsen. I chose not to listen and, with several setbacks, have gotten quite a bit better and, in many ways, not gotten worse. All of this time I have a negative internal voice, which tends to hold me back. "To become a person one must both affirm and deny himself. One involves the other." (Rufus Jones)

Thoughts

This morning during socializing after an hour of silent worship a group of us were talking about our wish that actions were being taken that were more kind and loving toward each other and the earth. I made the comment that people do not hurt other people unless they have been hurt. Political and cultural decisions are being made out of hurt and fear rather than love and spirituality - unfortunate, or is it. The current trend seems like the natural sequence of events, but I am wary of long term consequences. I am clear that I do not know. "Some course of action which seems so clearly to be leading to disaster may contain a twist of fate which lifts it to success. That accident whose cause was so apparent may have had an inner meaning we cannot see. That sudden death which we think could have been so easily avoided with greater consciousness may not have been the tragedy it appears. The man who died may have been needed elsewhere. We simply do not know. Scientists discover and theologians affirm; but faced with the mystery of life and death we know almost nothing. We can learn from the experts, but our experience may not fit their theories and it is our experience and our experience alone that we should trust."(Claremont deCastillejo)

Holistic Healing

I had a person with newly diagnosed cancer approach me the other day asking about the holistic approach to healing which I use. I asked them if they believed in the holistic approach and they replied "anything that works". Their answer to my query struck me as quite reasonable but the response also bothered me since the holistic approach requires effort and focus and I wondered if their answer reflected the necessary commitment. In order to use the holistic approach I have used, one has to join with the problem through meditation or contemplation and then do anything and everything that is called for. "Physical symptoms may tell us that we are going in the wrong direction or they may be evidence of something in the unconscious which will undermine the whole enterprise unless countered psychologically as well as with aspirin." (Claremont deCastillejo)

Meditation

There is a part or seed within me that is totally peaceful, loving, powerful and present, a part that is connected to the force I call God. I call that part "I am" and strive to go to that part several times a day when I meditate. That part or seed is strongest when I meditate in the middle of the night and during the Friend’s hours of silent worship. In order to get there I have to quiet my intellect, cease my worldly longings and attachments. With consistent practice and focus I find I can do that with minimal effort. If I relax, even for a day or so, I cannot, at least readily. "The decisive step toward God consists of letting go of all worries, that is, all fears and attachments. This step requires a foundation of complete and unreserved trust. We can only release our fears in proportion to how much our trust in God has grown, deepened, and ripened into an unshakable faith. The more we abide in living faith, the more we abide in divine love. And where this is, there is no room for fear."(Kopp)

Loving Action

The topic for today’s recovery meeting was loving action, particularly unconditional love and the fact that we frequently fall short of that ideal. I find that for me that, I can, and usually do, behave unconditionally, but that I also have brief thoughts that are very conditional or selfish. For example, when interacting with my wife I might have passing judgmental and self-centered thoughts which I do not act on. Another example is that when dealing with a young woman I might have momentary sexual thoughts which I do not act on. I find it difficult to admit even the passing thoughts but acknowledging them takes away their power and allows me to act unconditionally. According to the Thomas gospel Jesus said, "If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you."

Ideal

The other day, during my reading, I ran into a comment that Rufus Jones made several years back which applies to today, that "the democracy I want will treat every human person as a unique, sacred, and indispensable member of a spiritual whole, a whole which remains imperfect if even one of its "little ones" is missing; and its fundamental axiom will be the liberation and realization of the inner life which is potential in every member of the human race." I would also like that ideal and it is certainly possible, but we seem to be getting farther away from that ideal as a reality. Following the thoughts of past spiritual leaders, that ideal would be important for people to lead complete and fulfilled lives. I agree.

Rainmaker Ideal

Today, I sent out another query e-mail to a literary agency in my continuing effort to gain a literary agent for my writing and I find that I am scared because, for some reason, I think this effort will succeed. I am scared that I am not up to the task it represents in terms of my own behavior. I have followed what I call the "Rainmaker Ideal" for years and found its impact on me and everyone I contact to be amazing. Irene Claremont deCastillejo originated the ideal and describes it well; "In those rare moments when all the opposites meet within a man, good and also evil, light and also darkness, spirit and also body, brain and also heart, masculine focused consciousness and at the same time feminine diffuse awareness, wisdom of maturity and childlike wonder; when all are allowed and none displaces any other in the mind of a man, then that man, though he may utter no word is in an attitude of prayer. Whether he knows it or not his own receptive allowing will affect all those around him; rain will fall on the parched fields, and tears will turn bitter grief to flowering sorrow, while stricken children dry their eyes and laugh."  My book and writing reflect the rainmaker ideal as does my life in general and I don’t want to lose that. She expresses my concern nicely when she goes on to write "If we can resist the compulsive pressure of our logical thinking, without relinquishing our precious heritage of lucid thought; if we can hold our ground with our own hardly won ego personalities, yet bow our heads and say, 'Thy will not mine be done'; if we will but notice the reactions of our bodies; and heed the behaviour of the world towards us; if we can learn to listen to the voices within and to the whisper in the wind, with trust as well as with discrimination, we may be able to follow the road where the Rainmaker walks."

Simplicity

This morning, rather than attending the Sandy Spring Quaker meeting we usually go to, we went to the Patapsco meeting which is half the size and they meet at a Presbyterian house adjacent to the church, rather than their own building. There was quite a difference in the way the meetings felt, though they are basically the same. The Patapsco meeting felt pure, clean and the worship was deep. The Sandy Spring meeting is a bit chaotic and the worship is struggling. The Sandy Spring meeting is larger, has its own building and numerous other possessions and distractions. I am reminded of what St. Augustine and numerous other spiritual leaders say "we cannot serve two masters. But a man does try to serve two masters if he seeks both the kingdom of God for the great good it is and those other temporal things." This is a warning I need to keep in mind. We lead a very simple life - and need to keep it that way.

Guidance

I spend several hours a day in meditation, listening for guidance, and I have been asked several tines how I can trust that guidance came from a good source and not a negative one. I rely, primarily, on my own ability to discern and often checking with others about what I "hear". I also listen for the fruits of the Spirit which have been translated as ‘love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control’" (Galatians 5:23 NJB). I listen for and expect the messages to be other directed and selfless. I like the words of Patricia Loring; "Our awareness develops in the context of prayer, our communication with God—not only as we address God but as we learn to listen for God."

Feelings

In the distant past I felt anger, hurt and judgment all of the time without understanding the feelings much at all. Then came recovery and those feelings gradually gave way to putting the anger, hurt and judgment in my past and becoming aware that they came from growing up years. Those feelings were then replaced with love and gratitude for everything and everyone, as I talk about in my book. For the last two years the feelings of love and gratitude have been there and dominant but also complicated by flashes of anger, hurt and judgment. For example, I might feel anger and judgment if someone is rude or socially inappropriate, quickly replaced by feelings of love for that person. Another example is that I can feel momentarily hurt when someone brushes me aside or ignores me then feel the love. I keep thinking of George Fox feeling very human weaknesses and then the Lord explaining that it was needful that he "should have a sense of all conditions’. How else should he learn ‘to speak to all conditions?" I sense that it is now time to move on and stop feeling even a flash of anger, hurt and judgment - just love, understanding and compassion. What comes next, I do not know.