Change

Major changes are afoot in me and, at least temporarily, in the world around me.  In typical Charlie fashion I would like to think and say “I’ve got it handled” but an unspoken part of me (expressed as shoulder nerve/muscle pain) is terrified that I do not and I need to get in touch with that part of me if healing is to commence.  I have managed to harness and developed what is commonly called the “placebo effect” with miraculous results which I have mentioned before in this blog.  At the present time I have directed my healing to my disability, resulting in beginning changes in my speech and balance.  I do not know how far my physical changes will go or what they will lead to.  There are also potentially large changes in the world around me.  Time to have faith about how things are unfolding, hopefully increased spirituality and love, we shall see

solitude

I actually, primarily, enjoy the situation of the current shutdown and my life has not changed much from the simple way I normally live, though I do miss the human connection of my recovery meetings.  During most days I clean, cook, exercise, work in my gardens, sit quietly, meditate and talk with people on the phone.  I never shopped much, got involved in technology or was much of a consumer.   I have long realized that if everyone lived the way I choose to, that the economy would collapse and currently something like that is happening.  My hope is that some people find the joy and peace I have in this way of life and choose to continue the silence.  “To understand better the value of silence in daily life, and its relation to this spiritual transformation for which we yearn, it is useful first to consider the limitation of language, of words.....It is next useful to contemplate the limitations of logical reasoning.” (Daniel A. Seeger)

Myself

I am a good man but I am also complete, complex and well rounded, meaning I have my less desirable parts (which I choose not to act on!).  My actions reflect a simple, loving way of life which I have written extensively about in this blog and my book, which was based on my daily actions.  I sense eternity, sense my oneness with everything and everybody, have a strong connection with the force I know as God and I generally act lovingly.  I also have self-centered antisocial and fear based thoughts.  I used to have thoughts which I associated with my addictive side such as thoughts of manipulation, lying and using.  I love, openly admit and embrace all of that which helps me be loving and understanding with others.  I know several people who try to hide from their dark side — I do not.

Self-care

This morning I watched a news program while I waited for my car to be fixed and the content was all about the problems in various parts of the world, mostly surrounding covid-19 and the pandemic.  I then read some of the Washington Post which contained much the same, in greater detail.  I then felt myself to be off center and a bit depressed and wondering what was wrong.  Then I talked to one of the recovery people I talk to and found myself saying something like “You have to keep God and love as the center of your life 24/7" and I thought “Are you listening Charlie?”  I feel much better now!  I want to be informed and aware but not inundated.

Practices

I can’t say that I am struggling but certainly very aware of my need to increase my practices right now — at least the ones that are left!  There is a great deal of anxiety and fear about the virus, the economy and potential job loss as well as normal worries.  In addition to that, my meetings have stopped (some have moved on line which is not the same) and Maria is staying with and caring for her mother.  So, basically, my life lacks the structure, anchors and organization it had a few weeks ago, leaving me on my own.  I continually remind myself of God’s presence, gratitude and harmony with all things all during the day.  I have also been meditating more and spending more time in my gardens.  I am aware of a dangerous tendency to relax my practices and I may need to do more.  We shall see!

Self-care

The disruption due to the corona virus (especially the lack of recovery meetings) and my wife being absent has left me feeling emotionally fragile.  There is a lack of effortless structure and a need for positive feelings and feelings of gratitude, all things I can work on and need to be careful about right now.  Last night I watched a movie about child abduction and general anti-social behavior.  Precisely what I should not watch and it haunted me all night.  I should spend time focusing on love and gratitude and, if I choose to watch movies let them be heroic movies about love.

Perspective

In my life I utilize a very large number of emotional and spiritual practices in order to achieve a sense of peace and well being.  Practices like quiet time, exercise, meditation, prayer, biofeedback relaxation and Tai-Chi which cost little or nothing and are largely self-motivated.  Practices that do not support an economy or way of life which depends on spending money, possession of “things” and external factors as a source of happiness.  These practices result in a very deep and largely unshakable sense of love and well-being which I wish others could experience — but most others do not want to because they would have to give up too much.  It struck me this morning that, given the current situation, they may have no choice, which may, ultimately, be a good thing.

Gratitude

I was cleaning the racks from my oven this morning and feeling very matter-of-fact about it so I reminded myself to feel grateful I could even do it, that it was a gift and privilege to have the means and opportunity.  I am reminded of the fact that I can now mow the front lawn and that I could not a few years ago.  Mowing that yard takes me two hours and exhausts me for that day.  Sometimes my neighbors come over and do it for me while they mow their own yards.  It takes them fifteen minutes and is not a big deal.

Structure

Right now several of the factors which provide predictable structure in my life are missing or changing which makes it difficult for me to maintain my many healthy habits like regular exercise, prayer, meditation and plenty of rest and sleep.  I find it easy to fall back into chaos and distraction.  My mother-in-law is in need of care right now so my wife, Maria, is staying with her.  She has been one of my anchors.  The places that I normally go to recovery meetings are closed so that part of my structure is also missing.  I tried to do the weekly shopping two days ago only to find crowds of angry, fearful people and missing supplies.  Time to get back to my exercise routine and then I think I will meditate!

Self-Love

I had a dream last night that reminded me that only if I love all aspects of myself can I truly soar and become all I can be.  In the dream I was asked or proposed  to use a ragtag group of around a dozen scruffy looking individuals in order to pilot some sort of flying ship that would take us to our destination.  Those dozen scruffy individuals were parts of my previous self that I still feel need some “cleaning up” in order to be useful — they do not they are perfect parts of me and my past.  The parts of my past self that come to mind are my sullen and resistant “pea coat”, the little boy that wandered in the woods and would talk to no-one and the “addictive, antisocial  jerk” of my years of using and drinking.  I found myself talking about the need for self-love yesterday.  My self-love needs to include these parts if I wish to soar.