Change

  For the last several days I have had the uneasy feeling that things were not right in my life and this morning through meditation I realized that I was in the midst of change.  Nothing major or earthshaking but simply that it is time to get past some negative ideas about myself and also that I need to do things differently, though I’m not certain what.  It is clear to me that it is time to sit quietly and mentally sift through my own attitudes and behaviors.  If something feels wrong to me, I can then make the needed changes.  As with many things, this sounds simple and easy — it is neither.

Connection

  I have a very strong connection with God, my higher power, for which I am extremely grateful and depend on daily.  I see and feel God in everything I do all day and every day.  I used to only feel that way while doing things like looking at a special sunset.  Now it’s all the time and anything I do ... awesome.  I got that way through the practices I describe in my book, Three Simple Questions: Being in the World But Not of It. It also took a great deal of focus, intent and discipline.  This level of connection is a special gift which I have worked for.  The gift is special but I am not.  It is important for me to realize that I am a simple man who made a powerful choice.

Vibration

  To me, the vibration or energy around any concept is more important than the word or words used to express that concept.  For example, people use words like Buddha, God, Jesus, Great Spirit, higher power to express a concept that is energetically or vibrationally the same, a feeling of love, peace, well being and serenity.  Some Hindus speak of the ABSOLUTE which feels like my God to me and the words used do not matter.  The other day my wife pointed out that my upset and swearing when I spill things (frequent with my disability!) Had a negative “vibe”, which hit home to me.  Using swear words did not bother me much, but I generally project a loving sense so projecting a negative vibration felt more important. I listened and will change.

Guidance

  Today will be a day of reflection in addition to my regular activities.  I plan to do some cooking, exercising and meeting with two of the people I work with, but I also feel troubled and in need of quiet time to sort things out.  To be honest I am not sure what is bothering me ... It could be personal matters or something which is really none of my business in the world at large. I guess I’ll find out! ... It is now later in the day and I have been active with periods of reflection and meditation between. I frequently ask for guidance and support, especially when working with someone. It is now clear that my troubled feeling comes from my wanting to do more and longer range.  My guidance and support is usually here and now, which makes perfect sense.  That is all I need to know.

Discipline

  This morning (Tuesday) I was struggling to feel confident about my own physical ability and positive about life in general.  Then I talked about how I felt with Maria, my wife, and then two people I mentor. I also did some exercising and Journaling. Now, I feel pretty good. I am now glad I did it though those actions took some discipline and I didn’t really want to do them. Those actions helped in the past and I thought they would help this time ... but I still resisted, so I pushed.

Guidance

  Today I celebrated 38 years of sobriety during my recovery meeting. I actually  passed my anniversary on the 11th, a few days ago.  When I spoke I focused on my spiritual recovery.  I had fallen on the hard tile floor of the bathroom two days ago and I wasn’t even sure I would be able to speak since I was still recovering from that.  I asked for guidance and support and “got out of the way” so it was a powerful talk and meeting.  Everyone could feel the power.  I was congratulated many times which I enjoyed immensely, also knowing that I was not responsible for what happened or who was inspired by what I said.  I did say the words and got my ego out of the way, not small things.

Connection

  I spend my day connected to the Universe, God, Eternity, my higher self and “all that is”.  The connection feels strong, loving and very powerful and I suspect I am just scratching the surface.  I cannot describe it more than that but it’s a wonder to me.  It is when I meditate that I feel it the strongest and it is also then that I “listen” most intensely.  I believe that is what Nisargardatta Maharaj called the “I am”.  I get quiet, connect and listen for the whispers.  “According to Thomas, Jesus says that this primordial light not only brought the entire universe into being but still shines through everything we see and touch.” (Elaine Pagels)

Acceptance

  I was primarily listening and feeling but quietly communicating with an old, gnarled juniper tree.  The tree was living in a hot, wind-swept, dry and rocky area of Arizona.  I found myself considering what it would be like for the tree to live in a less rugged location and it stopped me by pointing out that it was more peaceful for it to think only of “what is” and be grateful for life.  I have used that level of acceptance for my own life, particularly my disability.  I could certainly compare myself to others and envy their ease, coordination and speed.  I have to admit I do that at times and it feels like I am fighting myself, definitely not peaceful.  I also can and usually do accept “what is” and be grateful for what I have.  It changes nothing but I find peace there.

Listening

  I have been reflecting back on a time a few years ago when I was a therapist on contract with child Protective Services.  I would meet with people and council them in their homes, usually as an unwelcome guest.  On my first visit with one family, their dog, an enormous mix of Great Dane and boxer, jumped on my lap and gently rubbed his cheek on mine.  It was a loving greeting and a clear response to my own energy field, since he did not know me.  I have found dogs to be sensitive to those unseen energies, which I try to sense as well.  Sensing those unseen energies is now part of “listening” for me.

Self Care

  I am missing something in me and there is a lot going on in my life right now so it’s not surprising that I feel lost and confused.  My mother-in-law just died and I was close to her so there is grief.  I am also the executor (personal representative) of her will so there are legal requirements and rules I must follow.  I filed her will and opened the estate yesterday— so I have begun the process, a big deal for me.  I need quiet time in order to sort out my feelings and just to rest.  I will rest. (Later) I needed that rest since I am dealing with challenging times. I also spent some quiet sorting time to get in touch with me.  I am reminded that “emotions can’t hit a moving target” and I now feel much better.