Space/time

  In 1988 I was diagnosed with cerebellar degeneration, a diagnosis I thought to be terminal since I was told “You will never get better and will probably continue to get worse’.  According to my research the expected outcome for someone in my condition was death after 2-5 years.

Shortly after my diagnosis I was leaving an occupational therapy appointment and feeling depressed.  I drove right into traffic on to a four lane road without hesitation, looking or caring.  I was planning to cross over to the furthest lane.  When I looked up, there were three cars about to hit me all going around 45 miles per hour, the closest being 15-20 feet.  I just thought “O.K., this is it”, and did not care.  At that point my car and I were jerked out of space/time and placed safely in the far lane.  There was no screeching of tires, honking or any indication that anyone saw anything amiss.  For me it felt very powerful and was traumatic. I did not speak of the event to anyone for over a month.  Even thinking of it shook me up.

I had/have heard various theories about linear time being an illusion or that time and space are really just an agreement between us.  I cannot say I understand the relationship between time, space and me.  However, I can say that time and space are not the simple immutable, sequential, linear events I once thought.  I also do not know the power that saved me.

My Process

  For the last several months I have been meditating/reflecting/contemplating in an effort to understand myself and the reality/world that I am living in.  I want to have a good picture of who or what I am, what reality is and how to interact with it  most effectively.  During this period I was not inspired to write so I did not.  I now feel inspired , so, for today, I am writing.

In some ways I am quite exceptional.  I can and have done many things that others cannot do.  I am also extremely bright and often see and understand this world differently than others.  In other ways I am just “another bozo on the bus”.  In some ways I am quite remarkable, in others totally ordinary and in others quite a mess.  It is important for me to respect, admit and love all aspects and act accordingly.  It is also important for me to realize that I am different and will be reacted to accordingly.

I have also concluded that reality is much larger and more complex than I previously thought, an understand which I hope to develop within coming entries.  For now I will just comment that we and other species are constantly interacting with the unseen reality(s) all around us.  The most definite conclusion I have made is that I do not understand what reality is, but that it is much more than I thought.  “I know enough to know I do not know”.

Practice

  This morning I read “From the heart arise unknowable impulses as well as conscious feeling, moods, and wishes The heart, too, has its reasons and is the center of perception and understanding” (Nouwen).  To me the heart is where love and God reside, not thoughts, logic and reasoning.  In most cases thoughts and logic tend to be fear based, focused on consequences and what ifs.  I prefer to focus on love so I go into meditation, shut off my brain, focus feelings and ask myself “What would love do”.  The answers I get have a lot of power, feel right — and are sometimes a bit scary!

Power of Love 2

  I will be going to see my doctor in a few days and I this morning I have been musing on my condition and the problem I present to the medical community.  When I was diagnosed (cerebellar degeneration) I was told that I would never get better — I have.  I was expected to die several years ago — I did not.  Because of my health practices I am 75 and significantly healthier than I was at 60, the opposite of what was expected.  I have not even had a cold since 2015 in spite of having been intimately exposed to various viruses numerous times.  For my own sack I need to express this and see what she has to say.

Power of Love

  During the Quaker meeting I attended yesterday someone spoke the phrase “love is stronger than death”, which came through to me strongly as the voice of truth.  In my helping people die, I generally project love to them in order to ease their transition. I just had the privilege of helping a little dog die by  using love to guide it through its confusion and then to the other side.  In these cases I use love and know that it is stronger than death — but I also know that I do not truly understand.  I know enough to know I do not know

Choices

  Each morning when I get up I have the choice of facing my world and interacting with fear or love — and very different consequences in response to which way I choose.  Those different consequences are both with the world around me and my own health and well being.  If I react with compassion and gratitude to those around me, it feels good and they are likely to do the same.  My health is much better when I focus on love and healing.  Much of the news programs are focused on negative events and possible negative consequences, so I limit my exposure and remind myself that most things are really none of my business anyway.

God's Love

  Today, here in Columbia, MD, I feel cared for and protected by the harmony of the Universe and the loving and peaceful force I know as God.  I find it notable that those forces support me whether or not I am aware of them, acknowledge them or even value them.  They seem to be above those very human, petty concerns.  For example, during my tumultuous “hippy” and even my teen years, if I look back, I can see clear evidence of those forces being part of my life.  I find that attitude to be a good model for me to live by during my own interactions.  I strive to not take the actions of others personally.  Generally I consider the actions of other to be expressions of them, and love them regardless.

A Loving View

  A while back I asked to see the world the way God does.  That simple (perhaps arrogant and/or silly) request changed my view dramatically to one of love.  I began to see the world and its people through a lense of love.  The closest analogy I can think of is the way a loving parent views his or her children.  If I notice someone or myself doing something silly or shortsighted and a bit stupid I tend to find the behavior endearing or even charming. If anything, my love increases.  I only mention some sort of intervention when I am concerned about imminent danger.  My view is pleasant and peaceful and changes nothing!

The Love Seed

  Several years ago during meditation as guided by Nisargadatta Maharaj I encountered a place he called the Absolute and the sense of I am where I could feel love, God, eternity and tremendous power.  Through my meditation I realized that was part of me and later in my work with recovering heroine addicts, I realized that it was part of all of us. I came to know that part of myself as my God or love seed, the origin of my “small quiet voice”.  Later in my life (2006) during my near-death-experience I realized it was the same feeling/presence I call God.  As I said in my last entry, that feeling changes my behavior dramatically.  We all have that capability and feeling inside us and we are not simply “sinful and broken”

Loving Action

  I use the words love, compassion, understanding and God a lot.  I am aware that many people do not like the word God, which used to be me as well.  As far as I can tell, the word or words you choose to use make no difference but how a person acts does.  In the morning I often take a moment to close my eyes and focus on the feeling of love or an image of something or someone I feel love for.  If I can carry that feeling with me during the day it changes all of my interactions during that day and also the way I feel about life in general.  The changes in how others respond to my presence is dramatic.  Acting out of love creates more love.