Going With The Flow

For the last several days. I have been re-learning a lesson that I have learned many times.  On this occasion I had my own tiredness and the trees expressing things to me like “it is what it is”, meaning just accept reality and don’t fight it or try to change it.  In my case I felt tired and like I was taking on too many challenges, while life kept presenting those challenges to me.  Then I had a light week, so I took it easy, thinking that was needed.  The rest did not help, meaning I felt just as tired and resistant to the challenges in life.  So I listened to the trees (so much for being superior!) and just accepted my challenges.  I felt instantly refreshed, and continue to as long as I focus on not resisting the flow of my life.

Connecting With a Tree

Today I spent some time connecting with and communicating with the large pinion pine just east of our home, a wonderfully peaceful experience.  I generally begin the process by telepathically greeting the plant or animal, projecting a feeling of love, telling it it’s wonderful, clearing my mind and then just listening.  The tree had a very simple, stable sort of consciousness/presence which it expressed through feelings, and I then attached my words to its feeling.  For example, I communicated my concern about moving to a lush environment and experiencing chaos rather than peace when connecting to the trees, similar to the way I feel in a large gathering of people, like at a party.  What came back from the tree was a feeling that I immediately interpreted as “don’t make us something we are not”, meaning that trees are not like people and that I will always find connecting with the trees and the outdoors in general to be a peaceful experience.  Simple and reassuring.

Love for All Things

I watched a movie called “Bless Me, Ultima” and in it the woman, Ultima, is a curandera or medicine woman.  I was struck by the realistic portrayal of love within the movie.  The love depicted was the love for our fellow men and all living things rather than the frilly, often transient, romantic love usually depicted in movies.  In the movie, she is very loving, though not always popular and the love shown in the movie is sometimes hard.  Ultima goes out of her way to be of service to others, and always acts lovingly, even when shunned.  Her love in the movie came from her strong belief in God and knowing that we are connected to everything and everyone.
In my own life I have found much the same, though right now I am surrounded by overwhelming approval and support, which is wonderful.  Always feeling and living within the selfless love that comes from God is not easy or frilly, it requires a strong commitment, focus and constant maintenance.  The result is a very fulfilling life that touches many people, well worth it.

Self Care

A day full of exercise, quiet introspection and sorting.  I have felt, but fortunately not expressed, some mild irritation in the last few days, a typical sign that I needed some “self care” days.  I cannot truly listen to others and be present for them unless I pay attention to my own needs.  My feeling is that the others I work with are worth more than that.  I need to be complete for them.

Internal Versus External Changes

During the earlier part of my life, perhaps the first forty seven years, I kept making changes in the externals of my life, in an attempt to feel better about myself.  For example, I got very good at fishing, went fishing a lot and made my own fishing equipment or I learned about raising fish and started a small business by raising African Cichlids.  Another good example is that I read a lot of books, got a Ph.D. and kept moving up the academic ladder.  These changes, and a whole host of other things, were supposed to make me happy.  They did not.
More recently, the last decade or so, I have focused on making internal changes.  For example, I have stopped using guilt, shame, criticism and judgements of myself and the world around me.  Another, related, example, is that I have increased my internal feelings of love, compassion, acceptance and gratitude.  These internal shifts required that I change my world view and view of myself, but also resulted in profound changes in the way I felt about myself.  I now love and enjoy myself and my life, which is still notable to me since my external situation is not very good.  I am disabled, can no longer do many of the things I used to, am sixty-four, getting older, in pain much of the time and a recovering alcoholic.  I am also extremely happy.

Pass It On

Before the lodge tonight I read an e-mail that asked who my first teacher was and I was immediately transported back to sitting and talking with Randy, a poor, sixty-ish, gay, black man, on the tow path of the canal in New Hope, PA, when I was a young teen.  He was the first person in my life to show me selfless love and acceptance.  There have been numerous other teachers, physical and non-physical, during my life.  I was filled with gratitude over the careful molding, guidance and support that I have received along the way.  Now they are all non-physical teachers and part of my role is to “pass it on”.
The lodge tonight was a strong one, as most are.  Thirteen people of both sexes, various ages and backgrounds all questing after spiritual growth, a beautiful thing to be part of.

Dark Night of the Soul

Between 1988 and 1992 I went through what I now recognize as the “Dark Night of the soul”.  It was a period during which everything on the physical/material plane was either taken away or gave me no solace and I still had no meaningful connection with God.  It was a period of transition from intellectual to heart connection coupled with a transition from a reliance/ dependence on material things to non-material.  The things like intellect, money, power, prestige and physical ability were all stripped away or had no meaning, in large part due to the recent onset of my disability.  I became despondent and felt totally lost.  I did try to kill myself during that period, but was prevented from doing so by the power I was trying to connect with.  I had no teacher to guide me at that point, so it took several years for me to make the transition, but I gradually turned away from my dependence on things of the physical plane and developed a true, heart connection with God.  Having gone through the dark night and made the transition, my life and connection are truly wonderful, and I now know it was well worth it.
When I speak of a transition between an intellectual to a heart centered connection with God, I am referring to a switch from believing in the presence of that force, to knowing of it, or from thinking about God to feeling the presence of that entity.  I had been accustomed to using things like knowledge and information during most of my life.  Without the assistance of a teacher, the transition to using feeling and knowing rather than knowledge, took several years.

Heart Connection

The main activities for the day were that I went to the Medical Intuitive/healer that I have been going to for the last couple of years and then I led a men’s group tonight.  The topic that kept coming up was the importance and difficulty of making a heart connection with others, a true and human connection.  Maria and I made a good connection on the drive to and from the healer, then I made a good connection with the healer, while getting the treatment, which was another form of connection.  During the men’s group everyone spoke of the need for that connection and the ease or tendency to block it with personal fears, facades and intellect, all things I used to do.  The heart connection is a simple direct expression of love and humanity between individuals, a moment of intimacy, a beautiful and meaningful thing.

Love Versus Aggression

I have found that if I approach my personal interactions with love and compassion, that it feels good and makes me stronger, emotionally and spiritually, the antagonism of others tends to dissolve and disappear.  The situation usually ends up being a win-win.  A good example of this idea is when I was rear-ended several months ago.  Rather than being angry and aggressive, I was loving and compassionate.  I kept reassuring the person who hit me that the incident was simply an inconvenience and pointed out that no one was hurt.  He calmed down, we gave the police the needed information and his insurance took care of the damage to my car.  A potentially negative situation did not happen and everyone felt good about the interaction.
If, on the other hand, I approach the interaction with aggression and fear, that is what comes back to me and no one is happy with the outcome.  It also weakens me.  In the example above I could have gotten angry and upset at the time spent or the damage to my car.  I could have gotten angry and defensive and the person that hit me could have gotten defensive and continued to feel bad.  It would be nice if the decision makers understood this simple approach, and acted accordingly.  Aggressive conflicts would go away and the freed-up resources could be used for more productive things.

Simplicity

Simplicity came up as a topic again today in the recovery meeting.  Several people commented that the enjoyable part of life is really pretty simple and that their brains complicate things.  A few people commented that their brains find ways to argue with themselves.  I could certainly identify with both.  I still hear whispers of my brain trying to take me out of the moment and complicate life with fearful thoughts.  I use a lot of mindful meditation in order to notice my thoughts and then gentle laughter to not take them seriously.  I then return to the simple truths of living in the moment, love and compassion.