A Different View

Through my meditation and connection with the absolute, a place of love or God, it has become quite clear to me that it is not possible to fail at this thing we call life.  As many others have realized while on a path similar to mine, the eternal purpose of life is living/dying and growing in love during the process.  Within love, it is not possible to avoid accomplishing that, a realization that I find comforting.  It is certainly possible to fail to achieve certain goals during the life process, but that failure has little or no eternal significance.
Personally, I have been taught to always strive to achieve things and that the possibility of failure was always there.  The feeling was that failure was to be avoided, if possible.  I now realize that this attitude is fear based and illusory.  I feel a strong sense of freedom in that realization.  The lack of guilt, shame, worthiness or duty, results in the freedom to accomplish things from a feeling of love.

Dealing With Change

We put our house back on the market today, with the thought/plan to move into a smaller place either in or near Flagstaff.  The main importance of this is that it feels like changes are afoot.  On the one hand, I realize that my comfortable routine may change soon and that the actual changes and my need to adapt will probably result in some discomfort and be a good thing.  On the other hand is some underlying anxiety about the fact of potential change, together with a feeling that I won’t be able to cope with it.  Both feelings exist together in me.

Letting Go Of Attachments

The theme for the day was how we humans tend to cause our own suffering through the formation of attachments, desires and expectation.  I did this for years and then, quite vehemently and justifiably (I thought!), blamed other people for not fulfilling my plans and making my life miserable.  I still have the tendency but do not act on it and find it amusing when it comes up.  For me, the first step in giving up my attachments, desires and expectations was to stop blaming other people for my setting myself up.  Next I realized that they accomplished nothing other than my own discomfort and that I was placing value on transient, illusory things.  Having become thoroughly convinced of their uselessness, I systematically let each attachment, desire and expectation go as it came up, one at a time, sometimes easily and sometimes with great difficulty, depending on how firmly they were intrenched in my attitudes.  As a result, I am now free to really enjoy these various events and stay in the present, at the same time.

Letting Go

I have a different understanding of this world than most other people, focusing on the importance of love, relationships, connection and the eternal.  Other people tend to filter in things like ego, personal politics, expectations, desires and their own concepts of right and wrong.  I act according to my understanding and then it is important for me to let the outcome go, since the outcome depends largely on others.  I have a strong sense of personal ethics but that sense only applies to my own behavior, the rest, I simply need to let go.

Self Knowledge

In talking with a young recovering addict today, I was reminded of how it was for me when I began recovery.  At that time, I was a very functional adult, academic type but as far as my internal, individual workings, I had no clue.  As that functional adult and academic, I could give lectures, lead committees, grade/teach/judge students and perform research, all without personal involvement.  I then judged the success or failure of my activities by the reactions of others, rather than my own, internal feelings.  I did not know myself.
Having begun the recovery process, I began to get to know myself, a process that continues today.  One of my first actions was to quit my job as an academic and take a less prestigious job in which I could begin to sort out what it meant to be Charlie.  Among other things, I discovered that I really enjoyed connecting with and working with other people.  I also discovered how fulfilling it was to follow a spiritual path, based on love and that connection.

Spiritual Growtth

I have been told and it is certainly my personal experience that one of the impediments to enlightenment or any serious spiritual growth, is the desire for that growth.  Any sort of pride at having achieved a certain level of growth, sometimes called “spiritual materialism”, is also an impediment.  What apparently works in the pursuit of spiritual growth is attempting to become a “clear vessel” by removing all pride, desires and attachments.  The closest analogy I can think of is that of a mirror which becomes increasingly clear and reflective as a person removes the attitudes, attachments and desires that cause clouding.  It has been my experience that the capability of spiritual growth, becoming that clear vessel, is in each of us, waiting for us to remove the impediments.  In my case, it is difficult to continually remove the impediments, but it also feels right and very fulfilling to do so.

Control Issues

The central topic at my recovery meeting today was the desire to control life and outcomes, basic control issues.  As I mentioned then, I used to be very controlling and my efforts caused a great deal of stress in my life (various addictive behaviors, an ulcer, poor sleep and a constant driven feeling).  During my recovery I have had my control “wrenched” from my grasp, meaning it has been made quite clear to me that I am in control of virtually nothing.  As Kornfield points out “To love fully and live well requires us to recognize finally that we do not possess or own anything---our homes, our cars, our loved ones, not even our own body.  Spiritual joy and wisdom do not come through possession but rather through our capacity to open, to love more fully, and to move and be free in life.”  I now take actions (participate fully in life) but also ask for support and guidance, as in my previous day’s entry, together with allowing the outcome to unfold as it will.

A Magical Day

Once again, life just feels like a magical experience.  The big event for the day was the first sweat lodge that we have had for a couple of months, due to the burn restrictions, which have now been lifted.  I knew that I was not physically capable of directing the lodge preparation, dealing with eleven newly recovering young addicts and then leading the lodge.  As a result, I repeatedly asked for help, guidance and support.  I got all three and felt very strongly connected to God and the lodge.  Not surprisingly, the guys responded to my connection very positively.  They clearly realized that what was happening was not a “normal” experience.  One of them even commented “It’s like we are programmed to have a religious experience!”.  Very gratifying to be a part of the experience.
Earlier in the day, at a staff meeting an event took place which could have upset me, but did not.  Two people apologized to me about the event and I had to be reminded of the event they were talking about, since it meant little to me.  I am pleased that the event in the staff meeting meant so little to me, while I was very passionate about the lodge and the events of the afternoon.

Going With The Flow

My wife, Maria, and I are talking, once again, about selling our house and moving into a smaller place closer to town, or even in town.  I like the idea of simplifying our life a bit more, removing distractions and focusing on spiritual growth.  The idea of moving feels more positive than it has before.  There is also a feeling of fluidity, flowing movement, this time.  We have been talking about the possibility of moving for years, including the possibility of moving back east, to Maryland.  The various possibilities have always felt flat to me, as if nothing would happen.  This is the first time it feels positive.  Perhaps it is time.

Recovery

I practice what I call “extreme recovery” (no TV, radio limited to human interest on NPR, no caffeinated beverages, limited sugar, healing meditation, begin each day with extended prayer and meditation, lots of service work, weekly sweat lodges, daily contact with other recovering addicts/alcoholics) primarily because it works for me.  I walk around each day feeling love for everything and everybody and I am doing very well, physically, in spite of some, potentially, major problems.  I have a very strong spiritual connection and I love my life.  My life is a model for other recovering people, but I hesitate to recommend the rigors of my life to others.
During the meeting tonight, several people talked about the negative behavioral consequences if they drift away from the recovery path, true for me as well.  In addition, I just learned of four friends who have returned to shooting heroin.  Maybe my method of recovery is not so extreme after all!  I think I will continue with my approach.