Finding Self

I used to identify empathically and closely with the suffering, fear, hurt and chaos of the world around me.  I felt like I was part of that world and, since I wanted to lead a meaningful life, I wanted to intervene and somehow make it better, less of the suffering, fear, hurt and chaos.  Now, thanks to the teachings of various mystics, spiritual leaders and my own meditation, I identify with the peace and love which is also all around me even within the suffering, fear, hurt and chaos.  During my meditation, I repeatedly turn away from any attachment to the pain of the world around me, realizing that my true Self is the peace and love I find in my connection with what I call God.  I still want to change the world, but do so in a joyful way and realize that everything is in divine order.  I also know that my actions and beliefs are part of that divine order.

Dark Side

We all have a dark or shadow side.  Personally, I lived within it for many years, while using, drinking and being unpleasant, meaning I let that negative aspect of myself dominate my thinking and actions.  Over the years, I have learned to bring that part of myself into consciousness, emotionally embrace it, and not to act on it, a process I call “holding hands with the dragon”.  I now live within love, another part of myself.  I let love dominate my thinking and actions and apply that love to my dark side.  It now feels inclusive, like total self-acceptance, which I can also apply to others.

Love

When I speak of “unconditional love”, I do not mean what I generally call “country song love”, which frequently includes things like enmeshment and co-dependence.  I do mean being willing to extend oneself for someone else’s spiritual or emotional growth, with compassion and caring, regardless of what they have said or done.  In older individuals this often involves not preventing them from experiencing natural consequences.  The love I speak of could, for example, include allowing them to experience the anxiety of placing a large amount of value on something transient like a job or the vigor of being young.  The unconditional love I speak of could also involve calling the police and allowing a person to experience going to jail.

Connecting & Healing

I was reminded today that several of the young addicts/alcoholics that I have worked with are doing very well, staying away from drugs and moving forward in their lives.  A few others are not doing well at all.  I am certainly not responsible for their successes or failures, but I play a part.  My responsibility is to “play my piano and sing my little song” the best I can, any given day, the rest is not up to me.  Just the same, I do enjoy connecting with these guys and watching them grow and change.
One of the things that has struck me over and over about working with these guys and helping them get out of a self-destructive life-style, is the importance of loving them, purely and with as little co-dependence as possible (I usually can’t escape it entirely, but I don’t act on it!).  I find it important to love them, let then know that I care, have very firm boundaries and let them also know that I will not accept lying or manipulation from them.

Eventful Day

This was a very long, eleven hour, day, which began with several hours of staff meetings and ended with several hours of sweat lodge preparation and a sweat.  I knew it would be a long, demanding day so I asked/prayed for support, and got it.  It was quite something to feel that added support flow into me and then leave, when the day was over.
The lodge for young recovering addicts, was a strong one.  They were very appreciative of the experience.  It appeared to me that they were hungry for a spiritual experience which emphasized love, connection and oneness, rather than the individuality, accomplishment and competition emphasized by the dominant culture.  It was wonderful to be a part of.

Don'T Take It Personally

I have been participating in a lot of activity in an effort to get some body-work done on my car, primarily dealing with the insurance company and the body-shop.  I find it entertaining to watch as my ego tries to jump up and assert itself, particularly when the person I am addressing reacts to my speech as if I am incompetent.  At one point it was even suggested that my wife could take care of it, since I clearly couldn’t.  Rather than reacting I simply said that I would take care of it.  It is fun to watch, and reassure myself that their reaction says little about me so there is no need to take it personally.

Prayer & Meditation

I have been attending recovery meetings for many years.  I find it useful to be reminded daily of what works (results in peace and joy) and what does not work (results in fear and turmoil).  Daily periods of prayer and meditation, being with that force of peace, love and connection which I call God works, no matter what a person calls it or believes in.  Nisargadata says that the mind is always “restless”, my comment is that it is “fear based”, and by its nature does not lead to a sense of peace or love.  I think I will stick to my daily practice of prayer and meditation!

Humanity, A Wonderful Thing

I spoke harshly to a woman after the lodge tonight.  Nothing inappropriate, I just, basically said “leave me alone” using a very loud and harsh tone, and, as I explained when I apologized, it was the best I could do at that time, since I was having substantial pain due to numerous cramps.  I do not enjoy such reminders of my humanity, at least during the period shortly after they happen.  However, given time, I return to the unconditional love and nature I have come to know from God.  I find solace in the knowing that there is not even anything to forgive since I am simply a wonderful, beautiful human being.  Having come to know that, I can,  and do, apply the same to others.

Acting Out Of Love

Today I became very aware that during any given day, I make many decisions concerning my own actions.  If those actions affect only me, I can determine what will “increase the integrity of the universe” pretty readily, using some meditation/contemplation.  However, if those actions impact other people, as well as me, my attachments, desires and judgments cloud my decision to do the next right thing, I no longer feel free to decide and it becomes more difficult.  I would like my actions to be out of love and free of co-dependence or attachments but that is not always easy, particularly when my actions could, potentially, cause others to be uncomfortable or angry.
It took longer but the decision is now clear!

Insight

I spent a few hours this afternoon making a large (six gallon) pot of very fine vegetable soup (splitting wood and carrying water).  We then had some of the soup for dinner, delicious.  While doing this it struck me how wonderful and, largely, meaningless the whole process was.  I felt free to sense both aspects strongly and my perception felt balanced and true.  In the past I would try to find some personal fulfillment or meaning in the activity, coupled with a feeling of hollowness and/or disappointment.