Harmony

Tonight during the meeting of the men’s group I belong to I spoke of feeling a lack of harmony with the universe, feeling disharmonious. The feeling is due to the fact that I am in the midst of changes in my life. It doesn’t really matter what those changes are, just that various aspects of my life are unsettled. Something that was pointed out tonight, which I had not thought of, is that disharmony is a normal part of harmony. The feeling just means that I am changing. I recall a comment that I have made many times, that "if you’re not on the edge your taking to much room", meaning you’re not taking the risk of changing and growing.

Being At Peace

Many years ago I placed a lot of value on my intellectual achievements, financial status, outward appearance and material possessions.  I was also highly competitive and judgmental, a typical “type A” personality.  I had an ulcer, other stress related problems and was commended for my approach to life.  I was not peaceful, serene or happy.  At this point in my life I still have my intellectual achievements, similar financial status and some material possessions, all of which I enjoy and am grateful for.  I am not competitive or judgmental at all.  I place value on my spiritual connection, love and relationships.  I am also peaceful and serene.

The God/Love Seed

Today at the Friend’s meeting, after silent worship, we had a presentation by David Zarembka of the African Great Lakes Initiative (AGLI).  The talk was about spiritual and emotional healing between the Hutu and Tutsi survivors of the Rwandan genocide.  It was a moving talk which, to me, demonstrated, clearly, that within each of us is the God/love seed and also the seed or potential for violence, hate and destruction.  In my life I have felt and experienced each and it is also clear to me that which gets expressed depends on which you feed.

Healing

Tonight Maria, my wife, cut her hand pretty badly and I did healing touch on the wound, which was very effective in helping it heal.  She spoke of that ability as “amazing”, and I guess it is.  The ability is quite a gift and I don’t even pretend to understand how it works, just that it does.  I suspect that the ability is a major part of the reason I am doing as well as I am.  I guess I should just be grateful and say “thank you”!

Angels

This afternoon we had a meeting of the Friend’s writing group and the topic was angels.  Right when the topic was brought up I realized that I had had numerous visits by spiritual beings coming to support me.  Spiritual beings that I just called spirits since they did not look like the classic Christian angel.  I realized that they could be considered angels since they came into my life to give me loving support. At the meeting I mentioned one circumstance where my angel was a young Native American with long flowing black hair, buckskin leggings and a bare chest and feet.  I felt warm and very loved.

Inventory

This evening I have been questioning my own level of recovery, a good but uncomfortable process.  It is good for me to note that I am not being hard on myself as I did in the past, not putting myself down, but rather just attempting to be objective.  Today I had an opportunity to listen to someone else’s inventory of subjects like honesty, integrity and fear.  During my listening to him I became increasingly aware that I still have passing thoughts of the fears that used to lead me to dishonesty and a lack of integrity.  I just no longer act on them, choosing instead to act out of love.  The words of Mother Theresa come to mind “Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.”

Making Choices

Today I received some promotional material and suggestions for my book from the publishing company.  As I read through the suggestions, I quickly realized that I was physically unable to follow their suggestions due to my disability and associated speech problems.  I immediately fell into a downward spiral of anger and self-pity.  While the spiral was happening I realized it was not useful and tried to get out of it through distractions, which did not work.  What did work was confronting my fears and self-pity through meditation, laughing at myself a bit and then realizing that I had other choices.  I am still exploring choices but in a love and faith-based way.

Growth

I have had the privilege of working with several people on the edge of death, basically helping them deal with the realizations and process of that final, very meaningful and beautiful transition.  It almost always brings me to tears to hear them say something to the effect that physical death is not as important as the spiritual and emotional growth that a person goes through in the process of death, something that I too have realized.  I certainly realize that it is not a popular view, but the fact is that events that are often viewed as tragic, frequently also result in emotional and spiritual growth.

Choices

Making healthy choices was a major theme in tonight’s recovery meeting and I realized that, for the last several years, I have done pretty well with that.  Historically I have had a strong tendency to hold on to unhealthy patterns way to long.  I have also had a strong tendency to forget the negative consequences to my own actions.  Recognizing those patterns and actively attempting to do differently has helped a lot.  At the present time, a major part of my sorting or meditation time is spent reviewing my daily choices and deciding if I wish to do differently.

Sacred Practices

Last night I slept for four hours and followed that with another four hours of deep meditation which is similar to sleep, but much more refreshing.  As usual, I did each without any sort of alarm clock, thus making sure that I get what my body needs, and it was very refreshing.  A total of eight hours is about two hours more than normal for me, signifying a greater need.  The greatest need for me right now is that I am attempting to strengthen and broaden my spiritual connection.  As has been the case for the last several years, I am utilizing some Native American practices such as the sweat lodge, pipe and sacred herbs.  However, I am also keeping in mind that they are only symbols, like the trinity or Holy Eucharist. The challenge for me is to look beyond the symbols at the reality beyond.