Acceptance

  I was primarily listening and feeling but quietly communicating with an old, gnarled juniper tree.  The tree was living in a hot, wind-swept, dry and rocky area of Arizona.  I found myself considering what it would be like for the tree to live in a less rugged location and it stopped me by pointing out that it was more peaceful for it to think only of “what is” and be grateful for life.  I have used that level of acceptance for my own life, particularly my disability.  I could certainly compare myself to others and envy their ease, coordination and speed.  I have to admit I do that at times and it feels like I am fighting myself, definitely not peaceful.  I also can and usually do accept “what is” and be grateful for what I have.  It changes nothing but I find peace there.

Listening

  I have been reflecting back on a time a few years ago when I was a therapist on contract with child Protective Services.  I would meet with people and council them in their homes, usually as an unwelcome guest.  On my first visit with one family, their dog, an enormous mix of Great Dane and boxer, jumped on my lap and gently rubbed his cheek on mine.  It was a loving greeting and a clear response to my own energy field, since he did not know me.  I have found dogs to be sensitive to those unseen energies, which I try to sense as well.  Sensing those unseen energies is now part of “listening” for me.

Self Care

  I am missing something in me and there is a lot going on in my life right now so it’s not surprising that I feel lost and confused.  My mother-in-law just died and I was close to her so there is grief.  I am also the executor (personal representative) of her will so there are legal requirements and rules I must follow.  I filed her will and opened the estate yesterday— so I have begun the process, a big deal for me.  I need quiet time in order to sort out my feelings and just to rest.  I will rest. (Later) I needed that rest since I am dealing with challenging times. I also spent some quiet sorting time to get in touch with me.  I am reminded that “emotions can’t hit a moving target” and I now feel much better.

Love

  Hurt people hurt other people.  There are a lot of hurt, angry people doing destructive things to themselves and others — and I used to be one of them.  Now I do no intentional harm to myself or anyone else.  The difference was love and understanding which was given to me and I now pass it along whenever I have a chance.  I surround myself with what I was given knowing that I could be a part of that love by giving it away, freely.  In my past people have tried to modify my behavior with rules and regulations.  I have also been punished.  Those actions though well intentioned and necessary at times, did not address the hurt.  Love did.

Grief

  Today I am sad and grieving the loss of my mother-in-law so I do not feel particularly enlightened or enlightening!  I have been waiting for whatever feelings to hit me so I was not surprised with the sadness and anger.  Writing about them and talking of the feelings in a recovery meeting help.  I also feel tired so I think I will rest and not do anything for now.  I am totally convinced that she is now in a pleasant place but I will miss her living presence.

Sigh

  I have had several doctors and other medical professionals ask me about my approach to health and healing since I have accomplished what they consider impossible (mainly “spontaneous” healing of things that either were not possible or should have required surgery).  After my explanation they dismiss me by saying something like “I don’t know what you are doing” or deciding I was miss-diagnosed.  They have never asked me to talk to their other patients ---- very discouraging but totally understandable. I have generally spoken of the transforming power of love, meditation and imaging.  To them I am an exception or an outlier, far removed from what they know as true.  I do not fit but I continue!

Holistic Health

  The topic in today’s Quaker reading group was service to others and there was primarily talk of mental health and medical services.  Providing needed aide to poor or under served communities was also mentioned.  The book we read spoke of ‘the power of science, lovingly administered” and how science could save lives.  When it was my turn I spoke passionately of how “the power of love, scientifically (objectively) administered” had saved my life numerous times.  The fact is that I had been diagnosed with a degenerative neurological problem in 1988 and the medical community made it clear that they could not help me so, with guidance, I turned to a spiritual, loving solution.  That solution has served me well ever since and I now pass it on as was done with me.

Acceptance

  I find a lot of peace in simply accepting or even enjoying “what is” any given time.. Sounds simple and it is for things that are enjoyable and many short term unpleasant events.  I have found accepting long term unpleasant aspects like my disability to be more complex.  On a good day I can just accept my limited abilities and focus on the many benefits I have received due to my condition. There are always gifts.  On a less good day I can at least be grateful my condition is not worse.  I also need to accept those days when I am angry, fed up or impatient with my condition.  I need to accept those times when I am terrified about getting worse.  If I do not accept my “negative” feelings they build up pressure inside me.  Today is a good day and I am grateful.

Martha and Mary

When Jesus visited sisters, Martha and Mary, Martha bustled around taking care of business while Mary sat at his feet basking in the feeling of his presence.  I tend to be a Mary, though I also see that the needed things get done. My approach is made easier by my disability.  The fact is I cannot do much and tire quickly.  My choice to meditate a great deal is aided by necessity.  Quiet time is easy for me while activity is not.  I also enjoy connecting with that loving force I call God, several times a day.

Fulfillment

  I exist in a culture which emphasizes material success and professional accomplishments and I certainly admit that I am financially and materially quite well off, gifted in fact.  My wife and I are also what may people consider poor and we generally qualify for financial assistance, though we do not usually take advantage of it, since we have no need.  I emphasize things like love, relationships, connections, listening, self-care and understanding.  I find my fulfillment within and feel quite rich and totally fulfilled.  “An Indian says you search in vain for what you cannot find,. He says you’ve found a thousand ways of running down your time.”  (Jeremiah Johnson, the movie)