Meditation

  Yesterday I attended my monthly meeting for people who have had Near-Death-Experience (NDE) or had other spiritual awakenings.  During the group there was a brief discussion of negative feelings such as hate, anger, guilt and shame.  It was mentioned that even on this plane of existence such feelings block free flowing growth.  It was also mentioned that those feelings do not exist on the “other side”.  As I have experienced the overwhelming love in that place is absolute, lacking those negative emotions, the duality we know so well.  I first experienced that absolute through meditation as suggested by Nisargadatta Maharaj.  I quickly discovered that my pain and disability did not exist there either.  I found that if I could meditate that deeply — I would leave my pain behind.  I did not understand it but I experienced it.

Pearl of Great Price

  It never occurred to me that, as Jesus said, the kingdom of God was within me.  I certainly did not believe that the peace and love of the kingdom was available to me.  I found it easy to be distracted by the objects, chaos and ideas of this world.  I did not even look for a spiritual solution until I had exhausted all other options.  Then I did and now my commitment is total.  I now listen to the news or simply observe the chaos and destruction around me and then turn, through meditation, to the sense of peace, love and eternity that comes with God’s kingdom, a “pearl of great price”.  I find it wonderful that the pearl is there freely for anyone willing to do what it takes.

Gratitude and Isolation

  Right now the house is filled with the giggling chatter of young women — delightful.  I do not speak their language but their energy is wonderful to feel.  I do not need much contact with other beings, but this degree of isolation (pandemic) is getting to me so I am taking steps.  My regular recovery meeting has gone back to “zoom” so I am planning to add another in-person meeting and may add more, if I can find them.  We are also getting more work done on the house.  One of the young women came to  me and announced that they were done with the office which I translated to mean “We want you to go to the office!”.  Which I did and they are now cleaning where I was

Hiatus

  It has been four months since my last journal/blog entry.  The time passed quickly and easily.  I was not feeling the peace and gratitude I normally feel and I realize now that I was feeling the stress because of the isolation and the uncertainty of my life being up in the air.  I was also trying to do to much.  I needed to take a brake to sort my life out a bit and I felt no inspiration to write.  I have been focusing more on gratitude and I have taken measures to reduce my responsibilities.  I have closed down my website and hired a giggling and joy full group of young Mexican women to keep the house clean (a cleaning service).  I can’t say I like it but it’s clear to me that simply being “Charlie” for a day is a workout for me.

Being Open

  For the last week or so I have been aware of people tending to restrict their view of current events so that their conclusions fit with their beliefs.  They (we?) tend to stay within our own “box”, rather than grow and change.  They do not see the whole picture, which I try to do but probably do not.  There is a  practical value and importance of viewing of acting on reality objectively, accurately and without bias.  This view also feels risky and unsafe.  In my life this pattern is most noticeable with the medical profession’s view of my history or condition.  I generally present my whole history which is exceptional and does not fit their expectations.  They then look at part of what I present and decide that I have been miss diagnosed or that I am imagining things.  Frustrating and not helpful!  The safe and conservative approach is to take the facts and try to fit them into an impression of reality while frequently leaving out some of the facts.  I prefer to expand my impression of reality in order to encompass all of the facts.

Love and Tolerance

  During my recovery meeting yesterday we talked about tolerance vs.. judgement and people spoke up about the various things they tended to judge about other people and situations.  While they were talking I kept reflecting back on my family of origin and the fact that we used to sit around the dinner table and criticize Cincinnati, where we had recently moved.  The sense was that the criticism somehow made our family superior, never realizing that we were feeling and expressing a negative energy which actually made us feel worse.  Later in the meeting I spoke of my memory and my realization that judging others had a negative impact on me and had no effect on the object of my judgment.  I likened judging others to “pissing on my own leg”, an image that has helped me give up my judgmental tendencies.  Being loving and tolerant feels much better, much freer and clearer.

World View

  Today I am experiencing some sadness which was triggered by my doctor appointment but also relates to my own history and awareness of the general human condition.  The sadness is because we tend to view the world through a lense formed by our own experiences and training rather than viewing reality openly and totally as it is.  I often refer to this as living and viewing reality from within a box because is restrictive and confining.  Personally, I make an effort to see beyond my own box and I also experience difficulty in getting others to do the same.  In the case of me and my physician “His training and profession lead him to view his patients in terms of potential pathology” (taken from last post) and he cannot see me openly and objectively, which saddens me.  I also understand the difficulty of seeing beyond my own box.

Holistic Healing

  Yesterday I went to my primary care doctor for a routine checkup, which I often find useful though I do not rely on western medicine for much and he certainly does not understand me or my practices.  When I go to see him and enter that world view I have to be very careful with my own boundaries.  His training and profession lead him to view his patients in terms of potential pathology, while my tendency is to look at myself in terms of health and healing.  He commented that my thyroid problem “just went away” and I corrected by saying that I had healed it.  He was also concerned that I got up each night two to three times to pee.  He checked my prostate and was about to send me to a urologist.  I asked him why and he pointed out that the urologist could give me medications to help my urinary problems.  The fact is that I pee a lot and drink a lot of water (very healthy!) And I recall that doctors have expressed concern about my fluid intake all my life, the first time being when I was a graduate student and twenty-five.

Love

I had a Near-Death-Experience (NDE) in 2006, meaning I was dead or close to death and “visited” what most people call the “other side”.  While there I could feel extreme and unconditional love more than anything I had encountered in the human plane.  I was given the choice of coming back to this earthly realm and being of service to others.  I knew that was what God wanted and that the best way of holding on to that love was to give it away.  The nature of love is that it creates more love.  Loving and being grateful for everything on earth is what I have been taught and strive to do.  “Christ’s way of propagating the truth------the way that inherently fits the inner life and spirit of the gospel of the Kingdom-----was the way of personal contagion.”  (Rufus Jones)

 

Being of Service

  This entry has been very hard for me to write because on one hand I know that I am not “normal” or ordinary and that I do many things that others consider impossible.  I also know that I am just “another bozo on the bus”.I communicate with animals, plants, spirits and what I call God.  I have done things that were not possible to do and healed many conditions that I could not have.  I have done it all though help and guidance and I doubt that I was ever alone.  I am also Charlie who has surrendered totally and is only minimally attached to earthly things.  I lead a life of service and urge others to do what I have done, in their own way   “You will write and you will teach.  You will live an ordinary life, learning how to remain ordinary in a troubled world to which, in a sense, you no longer belong.  Remain ordinary, and you can be useful to others.” (Dan Millman)

Holistic Healing

  When I meditate I repeatedly receive the clear message that I have been healed which used to make no sense since I am physically disabled, not well. How could I be healed and a physical mess at the same time?  I have since come to realize that healing or health does not equate with physical wellness.  I now realize that healing and health encompass emotional, spiritual and physical factors.  “If this mental model is a correct one, then Western medicine has devoted itself —albeit brilliantly—to the treatment of physical symptoms rather than to the cure of disease.  Whereas the physical model defines cancer as a disease of runaway cells, Chopra defines it as a distortion in the body’s underlying psychic blueprint, creating that wild growth.  To eradicate cancer it is not sufficient to destroy the cancer cells, but instead you must excise the memory of the cancer from the psychic blueprint so that more wild cells don’t replace those killed off.  How can this be accomplished?” (Sylvia Fraser)

Change

I awoke this morning to the feeling of fear, unusual for me but also unmistakable.  Usually I just do my best and have faith that things will work out — a feeling of love and well being.  I immediately thought that I was losing my connection to God, which would be very unpleasant for me.  Then my fear switched to finances, then something else and I remembered that I used to call it “galloping fear”, due to its ability to go from one thing to another.  Time to contemplate and figure out what I was afraid of.  I realized that today I was preparing to begin returning to my “normal” activities and begin fazing out of the isolated, monastic life of the last year.  I was beginning a change in my activity.  I will take it gently and slowly. 

Holistic Healing

  I have been practicing self healing using the power of love and healing touch at least twice a day for some years now.  For the last couple of years my main target has been my neurological disability which is supposed to be degenerative.  I have been warned during meditation that my progress would be slow — and it is!  My jaw coordination has improved to the point that I no longer have open sores in my mouth and I seldom bite myself, rarely to the point of bleeding.  My general coordination has also improved some which I notice mostly when I do my morning stretches and my eyes are closed.  My movements have also speeded up, according to observers, though I am still very slow.  I still have problems with my speech but my jaw is more relaxed.

Dream

  I had one of those significant, powerful dreams last night and as always, with that sort of dream, I remember it and have been ruminating about it.  The dream seemed to be a further acknowledgment and commitment to what I am doing in life and whatever is to come.  In the beginning of the dream I was talking to Maria, my wife, preparing for some sort of gathering and agreeing with her that the group would need some sort of leader which could be me.  I was then part of a gathering of people/entities some of which were alive and some had been alive but were no longer part of my walking around life.  I recall knowing that some of them were dead and wondering at there presence, though the others noticed no difference.  I knew them all and there was a strong feeling that they all belonged in that group.  They were talking among themselves and none noticed any difference between them.  They were all agreeing that a leader was needed and several spoke up and suggested me.  I had a strong feeling of being honored and knew I would do it.  I woke up with the feelings of being honored and commitment.

Guidance

  For my typical decision making process I quiet my mind through some sort of meditative activity, like gardening or sitting on a rock in the woods, ask for guidance and listen, while also  considering various alternatives and seeing how they feel.  I am searching for the alternative which feels “right”.  For many daily tasks I do not get a strong response and I generally assume that my choice makes little difference.  In some cases, like moving out west or back east, I get a strong feeling of rightness and I always make that choice.  It is notable that in the two cases I mention I was told emphatically and repeatedly not to move while my choice, was to follow guidance and move.

Love

  I have been thinking about the feeling of love/peace/well-being that I felt so strongly during my near-death-experience in 2006.  I was told that “this is what it feel like to be dead” and the feeling of love was much stronger than I have encountered in the earthly realm.  During the experience I was also told “You can stay here or go back and be of service”.  I chose to come back to my earthly life because of that love.  I knew that I was coming back to an uncooperative body but I also knew that I could be part of that love by spreading it, by being of service.  I came back because I would do anything to be part of that love

Listening

  This morning I have been reflecting on the attitudes and ideas within me which interfere with my ability to listen deeply to the universe around me, the spoken and unspoken.  I have managed to largely quiet the stories and chatter of my brain, meaning the stories or context my brain focuses on rather than truly attending to what is being said.  I do watch the puzzlement in other people’s faces when the words I say do not mach what they expect.  I manage to not do that, most of the time.  In my listening during meditation to, what I call, the whispers of the universe my listening is still constrained by my expectations and what I consider real.  At this point I do not listen completely openly ---- but I see the problem and am working on it!

Gratitude

  It’s cold (for Columbia MD!) and snowing outside so it seems like a good day for me to stay safe and warmish indoors and be grateful that I have that option.  I had plans to go and visit my mother-in-law but I will do that another day and shift my activities a bit.  It feels good to be flexible and accept what is in front of me without resisting or insisting on continuing with my plans..  A simple thing but I feel grateful.

Love

  This morning I have a mixture of feelings, beginning with feeling “lost in a trackless desert” and quickly mixed with gratitude for my many gifts and being able to know how lost I am.  The main gift I have is love and being able to spread that love.  The lost feeling comes from knowing how much that love is needed and not knowing more than my next step.  Love feels adequate and I can only do my part.  I will get the guidance I need.  “And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.  And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion  of life, keep peace in your soul.  With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.  Be cheerful.  Strive to be happy.” (Ehrmann)

Acceptance

  I have been successful at changing many of my dysfunctional behaviors and many aspects of my physical condition, parts of myself that I did not like at all.  It is paradoxical that in order to make the changes, I must first accept the reality of the situation as it is.  Total acceptance provides a base level I can work from and without that acceptance, I lack a firm starting point.  I can have any feeling I wish toward the situation, hate or love, but I must also accept it.  My feelings make no difference as far as the changes I wish to make.  Right now, I am striving to change my level of physical pain.  I begin each day by assessing my pain level and what I can do about it for that day.  I need to accept the pain I will have for that day and my method works well — but I do not like the pain at all.

Humility

  Yesterday I had a repeat lesson in humility and my insanity in doing the same thing several times and expecting it to work this time. I learned several years ago that humility meant accepting the reality of being who I am without pretense, no pretending to be different than I am.  I need to accept that because of my disability everything I do will take three to five times longer than normal.  Yesterday I tried to do to much and as a result at seven in the evening I was exhausted and still doing the dinner dishes.  This morning I feel grateful for the lesson and am  planning a restful day.  

Life Goal

  Several years ago I set my goal as changing the world one person at a time and it is apparent that I have done and continue to do that.  I picked that goal because I knew it would occupy me for the rest of my life and I find the goal to be fulfilling — it fits me well.  I don’t wish to control anyone or achieve any specific outcome.  I do wish to bring people closer to whatever concept of Love or God works for them and have them use that power/source in their decision making.  Of course I have to begin with me.  “We can cultivate an environment among us which will foster one another’s spiritual growth by directing and redirecting intention and attention to God; by discouraging what draws us away; by loving support for each other in the vicissitudes of our utterly human lives; by respecting and cherishing the uniqueness of each life.”  (Patricia Loring)

Power of Love

  Because of a recent conversation, I was caused to reflect on the role and power of love in my life.  Before my disability I had some familiarity with the love one feels toward another person but I had no clue that I could .use the power of love to physically heal and transform myself, my life.  Daily, I direct loving energy to specific physical problems by generating a loving feeling and sending it by intent to those locations.  I also fill myself with love while meditating and asking for guidance.  I generally let any negative or angry feelings pass and make my decisions based on love.

Comparing

  “If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. (Ehrmann)”  How true!  If I compare specific aspects of myself with other people, like I used to do, I always come out on the bottom and not feeling good about myself.  That was the way I was raised but that practice did not work for me.  Someone pointed out yesterday that I no longer do that and I felt gratitude realizing he was right.  I focus on the fact that I am the best Charlie Horton I know, and leave it at that.

Anxiety

  Two days ago I did my weekly grocery shopping and was impressed by the exceptionally high level of anxiety floating around in the atmosphere of the stores.  Many of the people were on edge and that feeling was definitely part of the unseen reality I mentioned a couple of days ago.  I felt the need of shaking it off or clearing myself when I got home.  Today is inauguration day and the level of anxiety is even higher.  Fortunately I have been keeping up with my spiritual practices and self-care so I can feel peace and calm — when I focus on that and keep in mind that the anxiety is not mine.

Understandig Is Not Required

  It strikes me this morning that though I am aware of some surface activity going on in the world, I do not really know what is going on — and that is just fine.  I listen to NPR for a few minutes each day and I also read some of the “Washington Post” so I have some idea of current events, what I am calling surface activity.  I limit my exposure to these sources because I do not want to be convinced that is the whole story.  I also meditate for several hours each day in order that I might make contact with the “unseen” part of the atmosphere around and within me.  It is during meditation that I sense the love, strength, peace, anxiety and fear in the atmosphere.  That is part of my reality but I do not really understand it.

Happiness

  I cannot say that I feel what I think of as happy but I do feel complete or fulfilled and am aware of being connected in a very loving way to everything and everybody.  I think of happy as that giddy, carefree feeling of a child laughing while riding on a merry-go-round.  The feeling I live within is much deeper than that.  “I tell you, I am in every flower, every rainbow, every star in the heavens, and everything in and on every planet rotating around every star.  I am the whisper of the wind, the warmth of your sun, the incredible individuality and the extraordinary perfection of each snowflake.  I am the majesty in the soaring flight of eagles, and the innocence of the doe in the field; the courage of lions, the wisdom of the ancient ones.” (Walsch)

Being Rather Than Doing

  I plan to spend much of this day focused on simply being myself, meaning prayer and meditation on gratitude and love, things I can do readily during covid-19 isolation.  Being disabled I find that if I focus on “doing” rather than “being” I am likely to be aware of what I cannot do or how slow I am.  If, instead, I focus on being then my disability does not hamper me, as long as I accept it without fighting.  I tend to be concerned that I will not be physically able to do what is asked of me and my meditation made it clear that I need not worry — just be Charlie.  I can do that!  “It requires even more discernment to discover whether the ministry called for from a particular individual in a particular instance requires prophetic speech, humble and hidden activities, bold and dramatic action, professional service or some, novel and previously unimagined course.” (Patricia Loring)

Choice

  Today I find myself conflicted, on the one hand I really like the person I have become and on the other hand I wish I was more “normal”, able and inclined to perform the average activities of a husband and person on this planet.  Long ago I asked to see things the way God does and I keep pushing myself to be more.  I now see things through the eyes of love and eternity.  I do things that others think impossible and have become the exception I have mentioned before, behaving outside the norm.  Being the exception also means leaving average behind.  I cannot do both and I have made my choice.  "Only a few achieve the colossal task of holding together, without being split asunder, the clarity of their vision alongside an ability to take their place in a materialistic world." (Irene Claremont deCastillejo)

Gratitude

last evening, after dinner, my lack of coordination coupled with my over-reaction caused me to spill and throw across the kitchen about half a quart of water, creating quite a mess.  Maria, my wife, is not here so I went about moving things out of the way and toweling everything down, taking over an hour since I move slowly.  I did so with a very matter-of-fact attitude, rather than getting angry — It had to be done.  This morning I feel a lot of gratitude that I was physically able to do it.  I offered thanks.  “He should learn to remain in God’s presence with a loving attention and a tranquil intellect”, even though this seems like idleness to him.  Soon he will find little by little that a “divine calm and peace with a wondrous, sublime knowledge of God, enveloped in divine love, will be infused into his soul”.  (St. John)

 

Dealing With Life

  I feel a bit uneasy, which is unusual for me but it happens and it has my attention.  The fact that I am disturbed could mean that something important is going “wrong’ or it could mean that I am not doing enough meditation and self-care.  I have listened to some disturbing reports on NPR, the postal service is having problems and I am having billing difficulties with two of my creditors.  All factors that are compelling but trivial so I must need more meditation and peace time.....It is now later the same day and I did what I said so I now feel peaceful and balanced.

Dark Side

  This morning I am reflecting back on a few days ago when there was a violent invasion of the U.S. capital building, emotional turmoil and the death of five people.  The events were very shocking but also had been brewing for a few weeks.  The events were horrific and should never have happened but I also need to realize that my dark side is capable of destructive act too.  I need to keep up the self-care, my spiritual connection and keep in mind that love can conquer hate but more hate cannot.  “There is an urgent biological imperative to make the Shadow conscious.  The moral burden of this immense task is greater than any previous generation could have even conceived: the destiny of the planet and our entire solar system is in our hands." (A. Stevens)

Perspective

  As a species it is sometimes hard to see but we are evolving towards a more compassionate, loving life attitude.  The recent violent and destructive events in our capital were certainly distressing but they also brought several prominent figures closer to the goal of compassion.  Those events helped them realize that the self-centered, appositional path was not working for them.  I am reminded of the destructive, self-centered, even somewhat antisocial, path I was following before I began recovery and a more loving, spiritual life.  I had to go through that destructive period and be convinced it was not working before I could change.

Responsibility

  This morning I find myself reflecting on my own personal responsibility, especially with the recent upheaval in events close by in DC.  I am certainly responsible for things like personal hygiene, sleep and diet, but many worldly happenings are none of my business, beyond having some awareness of what is happening.  In a democratic culture I consider it a good idea to be aware, but self-care mandates that I stay detached beyond my own involvement.  I like to listen to NPR or read the “Washington Post” for a short time each day but beyond that I get distracted from my rest and meditation.  I start to feel part of the chaos.

Meditation

  Yesterday I was listening on NPR about concerns and worries surrounding the potential administration of various vaccines for covid-19.  They then switched topics to racism and the violence of some of the protests and switched again to the economy and the antics of our president.  I felt alarmed.  I then meditated, getting in touch with my higher self and the peace and love of eternity.  It’s easy to forget but I prefer peace and love.  “From everywhere, it seems, we are bombarded with the idea that our nature is innately violent, that our chief preoccupation is with our sexuality, and that our main purpose in life is the acquirement of ever more nifty possessions.......Indeed, it is only through the practice of inner silence that we can begin to disentangle ourselves from our culture and its illusions. (Seeger)

Meditation and Gratitude

  On the 3rd I attended a two hour  Zoom meeting of people talking about NDEs and general spiritually transforming experiences.  Most of the participants had experienced some sort of transformation and it was certainly nice for me to be part of a group discussing these events since similar occurrences in my life have been so important to me.  I left the group feeling extreme gratitude for gifts and guidance I have been given.  Largely through meditation I have come to be aware of many of the points talked about during the meeting.  I feel a strong sense of peace and love during these troubled times.

Rules

  During my work with spirits I was asked to provide them with some rules of conduct which I found surprising since in my past if anyone tried to apply rules to me, I would rebel and not do them.  If I am in an atmosphere of love I spontaneously do what is required of me.  I am not authoritarian but I did come up with a set of rules which seemed to satisfy.  1.  Love your brother/sister as yourself; 2. Love everybody and everything; 3. Do not judge; 4. Do not criticize; 5. Never condemn.  These rules reflect what I understand of God’s guidance and being.