Love 2

  Back in 2006 I had my near-death-experience when I went to the “other side”, or was dead or near to death for however long it took  During that time I experienced a feeling of intense Godly love and was told that “this is what it feels like to be dead”.  I was then offered a chance to come back and “be of service” by spreading that love.  Since then I have succeeded in transmitting that feeling to others, though only when it was “called for”, not as a result of my own effort.  I also find that I can generate that same powerful, healing, loving feeling when I meditate deeply.  I use that feeling for my own healing and continue to attempt transmission to the healing of others.  It works for me and I am not dead yet so will keep trying!

Love

  I once wrote that “Love is a willingness to sacrifice and devote oneself to someone else’s emotional and spiritual well being and growth.  It is both a feeling and the action springing from that feeling.  Passion, excitement and lust come and go, love does not.  Love always increases the integrity of the universe.  It is inclusive, compassionate, understanding, forgiving and accepting.  Judgement, exclusion, self-interest and criticism do not fit within love”

That strikes me today as a very good description.  More recently I have been reflecting on the power of love to heal and support everything and everyone who experiences it.  As I have described earlier in my journal, I use love for my own physical healing.  Feeling love also broadcasts into the energy around us, affecting all, as do fear and anger.  I used to feel a lot of fear and anger — I much prefer the feeling of love.

 "Love has a quality you can learn to discern.  It 'feels right'.  It is truthful and inclusive.  There is no objective measurement to confirm that you are experiencing love.  You can only trust your intuition and do your best.  If you do, your capacity to discern love will grow.  We are all learning this skill." (Shepherd Hoodwin)

Conscious 2

  I would certainly like to know and understand more about consciousness, but I am also grateful to know that it is far more complex and expansive than commonly believed.  I find that if I listen openly and without judgment or fear, I can hear the “whispers” of plants, spirits and various forces from within the unseen realm around us.  I often notice “lower” animals responding to those whispers as well and suspect that the ability has evolutionary significance.  I have also had several out-of-body experiences when my consciousness seemed to be out of my body.  “There is a door in the mind that opens with acceptance, and closes with judgment of any kind.    There is a door in the heart that opens with trust and closes when fear of any kind is felt.”  (Paul Ferrini)

Listening

Today I have been reflecting on my ability to listen deeply, which I work on daily and have commented on many times in this journal.  My ability to listen has added greatly to the richness of my life.  If I am internally quiet I can communicate with the plants in my yard, feel the more intense feelings of those I am interacting with and communicate with spirits.  I just have to quiet my internal dialog, which of course requires constant attention and is next to impossible.  I do better to not watch or listen to much news and stay away from rapid fire things like the internet.  I like meditation and quiet time.  Laughing at my own brain chatter rather than fighting or judging it also helps.

 

Truth

  Many years ago, when I was involved in my post-doctoral studies, other scientists and I were deeply involved in exploring the issues of that time, which included topics like competition, imprinting and behavioral determinism.  At that time several respected scientists and a Nobel Laureate commented that there was something far more complex going on.  They were ignored and/or discredited, which disappointed me since they were making the important point that the truth was more than was being attended to.  I have noticed a similar pattern many times since.  It seems to me that scientists and others are searching for truth as long as that truth falls within certain comfortable and predictable boundaries.  That is not how truth works!  The reason this is on my mind is that unfortunately my health condition falls outside of those boundaries since I am doing far better than I should be.  The truth of the actions I have taken is largely ignored or discredited while it could help others.  I live that truth.

Consciousness

  I would like to know and understand more of what is usually called consciousness.  I do know enough to know that I do not know, so I am keeping my mind open. There is the simple and logical part of the conscious mind which can guide us in doing many wonderful things, like designing computers, judging right and wrong, performing job functions, telling us to brush our teeth, performing scientific studies and providing us with an endless source of entertainment. In short it can tell us some simple facts about how to get along in the world. The conscious mind can and often does a great deal more than that, if a person is willing to expand their awareness  beyond the limits of commonly held beliefs.  For example, we are interacting at all times with the unseen reality around us through our feelings, intuition and interactions.  Everything we say or do impacts the energy field around us, and we react to that.  “As I understand contemporary trends of physical science, there is increasing recognition of vast unknown areas which science may explore and assist in ordering, but to which it may never provide anything like complete answers.”  (Margaret Mead)

Differences

  Today is Thanksgiving and in addition to feeling my normal peace and gratitude, I am very aware of how different I am from the dominant culture.  This morning while on my exercise machines I listened to NPR and they were all about socializing, feasting, black Friday, video games and buying things.  I have no interest in any of that. Last weekend I had a lovely conversation with my sister-in-law about her home furnishings and some other matters.  What was lovely about the conversation was not what we talked about but the feelings that were shared. I enjoyed the enjoyment I felt from her.  I used to try to fit in, now I just enjoy

Feelings

In my entry toward the end of last month I wrote of “joining with” and not fighting my disability and that has been true for me. My emotional position allows me to listen to what it has to tell me.  I also just realized how angry it made (makes?) me.  I have found it very important to feel all of my feeling and in this case if I am to honor, respect and accept my disability, I also need to feel my anger and intense dislike for what it has put me through.  I need to love it note like it.

 

Sacred Balance

  Life on this planet is sacred and beautiful.  I can see it, feel it and enjoy it all day, every day if I am internally and externally quiet.  The beauty includes all things alive and supposedly dead — rocks, trees, soil, babies, sunsets, death/dying and feces.  Everything is becoming or fading in a beautiful and delicate balance.  I find it easy to celebrate the creation side of this scenario with its growth, hope and promise.  It is also important for me to realize that death/dying/fading is a necessary part of creation.  That part is sad and often contains regret for me, but also the possibility of more creation.  “It [inner silence] is to establish an inner peace, an inner harmony, which will allow us authentically to contribute to the establishment of an outer peace and an outer harmony in the world at large.” (Daniel A. Seeger)

Listening not Fighting

  For my own peace of mind and clarity I have been attempting to piece together how I have dealt with my disability over the last thirty-five years.  My disability is a chronic, degenerative, neurological disease similar to Parkinson’s or M.S., but, as I mentioned in my last entry: I have gotten better, did not die and have not gotten worse.  So, my question is what have I done differently.

I did not “fight” my disability or struggle against it in any way.  Actually my disability taught me that since fighting spastic muscles just makes them worse I’m better off accepting them and what they can tell me.  In fact, my disability has taught me many things since I listen to it without considering it an enemy.  It has helped me with things like patience, acceptance and tolerance in addition to teaching me to listen better. I am the person I am today in part, because of my disability.  My relation with it is complex and multifaceted. I have “joined” with my disability, treating it in some ways as an unwelcome partner in my life.  It has definitely made my life more difficult in many ways.  However I am very grateful for the person I have become. I respect it, accept it but do not like it.  I also honor it as a sacred gift from God just like just like rocks, trees, sunsets, rain and oceans. 

In joining with my disability I also negotiate with it.  On one hand I will do all I can to make it go away while also appreciating its gifts and respecting it.  My disability is integral to who I am and what I do.  I also know that, given a chance, it will kill me which I am not ready for yet since I am not done.  There is no feeling of malice or anger on either side, it is as it is.

Looking back, I would not change a thing since that would make me different, but I wish that was not so.

Power of Love

  Earlier this month I wrote about truth and reality.  Part of reality that people in the medical profession have difficulty accepting is what I call the power of love.  In my case I have repeatedly used that power to my obvious benefit, often while being diagnosed and seen by doctors.  I would be a fool not to believe in that power.  I also need to acknowledge  myself for using it.

In 1988 I was diagnosed with cerebellar degeneration, a chronic, degenerative neurological disease, and told it would never get better and continue to worsen.  My reading informed me that I should expect to die within two to five years, and since I was in bad shape at that point, it would probably be closer to two.  Well I did get better (not all the way), and did not get worse, except for my speech.  I used the feeling of love with meditation and imaging.  I have since used the same techniques for numerous skin lesions, hypothyroidism, heart, lung and prostate problems.  I use no medications and have not been sick in eight years.  Not bad for an old man of 75!  Something is working!

Quiet Time

  The other day my wife asked me to talk with someone on the phone and I signaled that I would do so but needed a few minutes of lead time.  I took that time to clear my head of its regular thoughts (cooking dinner, balancing the checkbook, which movie to watch, etc.) so that I could listen better.  I wanted to listen more clearly to them, God and my own intuition so that I could then respond to their needs, not something else.  I find that I need periods of quiet time during the day in order to function well.  “It [inner silence] is to establish an inner peace, an inner harmony, which will allow us authentically to contribute to the establishment of an outer peace and an outer harmony in the world at large.” (Daniel A. Seeger)

Honesty

  As a child I noticed that many of the adults around me (primarily teachers and parents at that point) preferred appearances to reality.  They wanted things to look good and tended to look past things they did not want to see.  I realize now that my observation was overly simplistic, but I have certainly used it to my advantage.  I have seen the same tendency many times since then, with a variety of justifications or rationalizations.  My concern, for me, is that the approach is not honest.  When I began recovery I realized that I was striving to present myself as the perfect recovering person, not admitting the truth of who I was.  I did that well, learning the right things to say and do!  I then realized I was hurting myself and began trying to be honest, difficult but worth it.  I still have to watch myself on that one!

Overthinking

  While meditating today I was reflecting on the work I do with spirits, in preparation for my wife and I visiting a troubled graveyard where some spirits hangout.  As I frequently do when thinking ahead, I was focused on problems I might encounter and the possibility of not being able to cope with whatever happens, not worrying but definitely ruminating.  What I then heard was “don’t think, just do.  The fact is that when I am in the middle of any situation I simply do what I am called on to do or I ask for help.  It often works out better if I do not plan ahead for some things.  I can hold myself back.  “Words and thoughts often block the doorway to the soul.” (Valerie Brown) 

God Seed

  I have made it a point to nurture the part of me which I call my God seed, the part of me that feels connected to God, love, compassion and eternity.  I discovered that part through meditation and found it felt much better than my angry/aggressive/violent, materialistic and self-centered part, which I had acted out of for may years.  I now know that the God or love seed is a part of each of us.  I found that out through my work as a therapist with recovering heroin addicts and others who were having difficulties with the legal system.  Love is the way I find and nurture that part.  “From everywhere, it seems, we are bombarded with the idea that our nature is innately violent, that our chief preoccupation is with our sexuality, and that our main purpose in life is the acquirement of ever more nifty possessions.......Indeed, it is only through the practice of inner silence that we can begin to disentangle ourselves from our culture and its illusions. (Daniel A. Seeger)

Choice

  In my self development process I have focused on developing what I call my God seed, the part of me that feels connected to God, love, compassion and eternity.  In order to develop that part I have found it best to de-emphasize my aggressive/violent, materialistic and self-centered tendencies in favor of things like being of service or relationships.  It’s a simple choice of which wolf I want to feed.  I also need to do a lot of self-care in order to be available.  I make my choice because it feels best and more fulfilling.  “To become a person one must both affirm and deny himself.  One involves the other.” (Rufus Jones)

Spiritual Experiences

  I have been reading The Varieties of Spiritual of Spiritual Experience, 21st Century Research and Perspectives by Yaden and Newberg and found it very thorough in terms of the varieties of experience and attempts at elucidating them   I have also had numerous spiritual experiences of my own and had my life changed accordingly.  In my reading, I am reminded that “No process of analysis, no piling up of descriptive accounts, no reversion to antecedent causes, brings us any nearer to what we mean by beauty, goodness or love.” (Rufus Jones).  I also recall that Margaret Mead once wrote that “As I understand contemporary trends of physical science, there is increasing recognition of vast unknown areas which science may explore and assist in ordering, but to which it may never provide anything like complete answers.”

God/love

  I do not personify God since I find no reason to do so.  I experience God as love and have integrated that feeling into all; of my beliefs and activities.  I practice formal sitting prayer and meditation for at least an hour a day and, less formally, walking around meditatively for another hour or so.  I generally feel connected to God/love and grateful for the rest of the day.  So I know and experience God/love much of the time, but I wish to also clarify that I do not understand God/love.  It is a wonderful way of life and I depend on that connection.  I use that power for my own health and healing as well as other activities, but I do not understand its full extent,  "That God is both utterly beyond me and yet totally within me at the same time is the exquisite balance that most religion seldom achieves..." (from “Immortal Diamond”, by R. Rohr) 

Loving Communication

While contemplating my upcoming visit with a neurologist I realized that because of my past unhelpful visits with medical people, I was setting up a defensive attitude for this visit.  Not a good idea!  I would like the visit to be free, respectful and understanding, resulting in a neurologist who is an ally who appreciates my position.  Understanding on his part would also be nice, but is probably unrealistic given the fact that using my various practices, I accomplish things that are considered impossible and am far healthier than I should be.  My assuming that I have to defend myself starts us off on the wrong foot.  I fully realize that I am putting him in a challenging position so starting out with an open, loving and respectful attitude is more likely to produce the results I desire.

 

Daily Practices

  I am not a saint, though I strive to be as close to the historical Jesus as possible, within my personal limitations.  I take part in daily practices of being quiet, listening and following the guidance I receive.  I carry out my daily activities while viewing everything as sacred and being grateful for my many gifts.  As far as being 75 and disabled, I accept them and wish it was different.  If I do these things I feel connected all the time — which I depend on.  Doing these things also allows me to access and make use of the power of love/God.  “You can be a saint, if you want to be one. It's as simple as that. Only you must remember, ALL THE TIME, that GOD makes saints, not we: we just do what we are told. But in order to do what we are told, we must hear what is said, and in order to hear we must listen, and in order to listen, we must be quiet - not only with our tongues, but interiorly, in our minds and hearts.” )author, an anonymous priest or brother(

Humility

  Today’s meeting was about humility, which is very important to my recovery, particularly my ability to listen deeply.  I have found it best to be in a place of balanced peace and openness in order to really hear and be receptive to others or even my own internal voice. For that, I need to be right sized and internally quiet.  Ego deflation, which was emphasized in the meeting, is easy for me.  I am comfortable recognizing my past “defects” and shortcomings.  Self criticism and judgement come easily.  The part of that balance which does not come easily is to recognize that in some ways I am unique and remarkable, as is everyone else.  I would like to always remember that I am a valuable human who can do things others cannot .

Self-image

  For the last several days I have been thinking a great deal about my own self-image and I have realized that it is very difficult, perhaps impossible, for me to assess myself accurately and without bias.  My difficulty comes, at least in part and perhaps largely, from my childhood and early life, during which I was conflicted and confused.  I have tended to have a low opinion of myself mixed with brief periods of grandiosity.  I would like to have a balanced and accurate view.  On the one hand I am aware that I can do many things which noone else can do.  I am also very much aware of my limitations, especially as a disabled person.   I am also smarter than most, but on the other hand there are many things I don’t know.  As I often say “I know enough to know I don’t know”.  I think I’ll leave it there!

Tending the Fire

  This afternoon I have been reflecting back on my life in AZ and the many “Native” ceremonies I participated in during my life there.  I used quotation marks since I was a white boy practicing ceremonies within a glorious mixture of people from different cultures and both sexes.  There were Caucasians, Navajos, Hopi, Lakota and several mutts or mixtures of different cultures.   During those ceremonies one person would tend the fire while others took part and all would pray and feel blessed for whichever.  I now live in MD and am older and retired.  I find that I still spend much of my time either tending fire or practicing in some way — sometime both.  I also spend my days feeling grateful and much blessed.  Not bad for an older white boy!

Self Image

  The normal or average outcome for someone with my diagnosis (cerebellar degeneration) is that they never get better, continue to worsen and then die, though the timescale varies up to several years after diagnosis.  In my case I did get better and it is now thirty-five years after diagnosis so I am abnormal, an outlier, an exception, a white crow.  I have been using imaging and the power of love for the last thirty-five years with good results and I am extremely grateful.  When I was in grad school one of my professors said “treasure your exceptions” because that is where the learning is.  I am an exception and I need to acknowledge that, for my own self image.

Recovery

  At this point I have largely gotten over those “defects of character” and negative thoughts that plagued me and held me back for so many years.  Today I have been reflecting on the process by which I gave them up.  I definitely needed to become aware and talk about them, which took me several years.  For the last step I did not work on them directly but focused on my connection with God/love.  I focused on filling my life with love and acting on that love then the defects did not exactly vanish but they got quiet and no longer ruled my life.

“Seek not humility.  Seek God.  Through God you will find humility.  Sought as an end, humility will run in a circle and bring you directly back to pride.

“Seek not for faith to move mountains.  Seek God first.  Perhaps the mountains do not need moving, perhaps He will lift you up above the mountains which may be better than moving them.

“Seek not pleasure neither of body nor of soul.  This too is a gift, eluding those who seek it   seek God, for He alone is able to give joy, which is infinitely finer than pleasure.

“Seek not power, not even power to do great deeds.  Seek God and Him alone, and power will flow from you in ways and times which are hidden from you.” p 31-32

from Our Hearts Are Restless, by Gilbert Kilpack,

Balance

  I write often about the power of love and I spend much of my day in a semi-meditative state in which I can feel and respond to that power.  I am also gifted with a very strong intellect which I switch to and use several times a day.  When I write “switch to” I mean that my intellect comes to predominate at those times.  My intellect predominates while when doing things like listening to the news, reading a scientific journal or paying bills.  My intellect is a very important tool for my daily functioning, but I am also smart enough to see its limitations.  They are both important parts of me which I balance every day.  “To understand better the value of silence in daily life, and its relation to this spiritual transformation for which we yearn, it is useful first to consider the limitation of language, of words.....It is next useful to contemplate the limitations of logical reasoning.”  (Silence: Our Eye On Eternity, by Daniel A. Seeger)

Power of Love

  Back in a basic social work class while studying for my masters in social work, I was given a surprise opportunity to address a whole class for an hour on why I chose social work.  I quickly and privately asked  for guidance and support from God. I then spoke vulnerably, lovingly  and openly about myself and my history.  Basically I spoke my truth and let God speak through me, without ever mentioning the source.  I created a sacred space.  The whole class responded by opening up — a magical moment.  After the semester was over one of the students approached me and asked “How does it feel to know you changed a whole class for a whole semester? I can describe in detail the events that took place, but not what really happened.  I cannot describe the power.  I have experienced the power of love/God many times and know the feeling well and like then I can describe the events and say the words — but not the reality.  “So long as we are satisfied to confine our attention to exact description of what is, and to study of antecedent causes, the dramatic features of the universe will necessarily escape us, and we shall get no intimation of an Intelligence operative throughout the unfolding drama.” (from Rufus Jones Speaks To Our Time: An Anthology, edited by Harry Emerson Fosdick)

My Life

  I lead a relatively quiet and peaceful life, I have even called my life monastic at times.  It’s a quiet life of service immersed in love for everything and everybody.  Many years ago I asked to see things the way God does.  Now I believe I do (except at times when I allow myself to get distracted!).  My love is a gift I am very grateful for.  “For after all the beautiful and simple words have been spoken, it is still the pattern of that Life which compels attention: its obscure and humble birth; its education in poverty; its temptation, mortification, and solitude; its acts of compassion and service; its desolation at moments of apparent abandonment of the Divine; its painful death of the self; and its final absorption into the Source.” (Silence: Our Eye On Eternity, by Daniel A. Seeger)

What Works For Me

  Right now I feel the need of lots of quiet, meditative time, a need that is supported by my wife but not my culture or my own head at times.  I often feel bombarded by a culture that tells me I will feel less stress if I do more, own this or that, achieve fame or have more money.  In my life I have tried those things and found they did not work. Silence, love, service and humility have worked and cost me nothing other than focus.  Noone profits in terms of money — yet I feel rich.  “From everywhere, it seems, we are bombarded with the idea that our nature is innately violent, that our chief preoccupation is with our sexuality, and that our main purpose in life is the acquirement of ever more nifty possessions.......Indeed, it is only through the practice of inner silence that we can begin to disentangle ourselves from our culture and its illusions. (Silence: Our Eye On Eternity, by Daniel A. Seeger)

Humility

  In the last several entries I have mentioned some of the beautiful and healing events in my life within the last decades.  I have attributed them to love and the power of love.  In my experience the words or beliefs (Buddha, Jesus, God, Krishna, Higher power) behind that love make no difference.  The presence and power of that love is important.  It is also important for my humility to always remember that I am not its source, but a willing and grateful conduit.  “A mystical touch is a deep, intimate contact-union-experience of God in one of His attributes such as power, light, goodness, beauty, or joy.” (Fire Within by Thomas Dubay, S. M.)

White Crows

  Five years after I was diagnosed by a leading expert in my kind of disability, he told me that I was the only patient of his who was getting better.  He asked what I was doing so I explained my holistic practices.  In response he said: “I don’t know what you are doing but keep doing it”.  Then about five years ago my primary physician was having difficulty finding the correct amount of a new medication for my hypothyroidism.  I got fed up so I stopped the medication and worked on healing my thyroid using similar techniques to those I had used before.  I knew this approach was risky and I certainly do not recommend it — but it worked for me.  At first my doctor thought I had simply figured out the right amount of my new medication so I told him I had healed it.  He later commented that it was surprising it had healed spontaneously.  I am left with a question I heard many years ago: “How many white crows do you have to see before you are convinced that all crows are not black?

My Own Healing

  Back in 1988 I was diagnosed with cerebellar degeneration a chronic degenerative neurological disease which would typically result in death.  This diagnosis came from Dr. David Zee, a Johns Hopkins Hospital neurologist and seemed to be accurate and encompass my symptoms.  I was in extreme pain, using crutches and in physical therapy learning how to crawl.  I also began to practice Attitudinal Healing together with Buddhist and Hindu meditative techniques, basically using the power of love and the mind-body connection.  After several years Dr. Zee commented that I was his only patient that was getting better.  I have continued to get better in some ways and gotten slowly progressively worse in others (most notably in my speech).  I have also cured numerous other conditions using the power of love.  I am 74 and doing much better than expected, so I think I will continue!

Holistic Healing: The Power of Love

  I realized a few days ago that despite professional and personal advice to the contrary, I have no use for most conventional or mainstream neurologists.  I am an exception to the norm.  I have been successfully using love-based holistic practices for the last thirty-five years since my diagnosis (cerebellar degeneration, a chronic degenerative neurological disease).  I am doing much better than expected, according to my diagnosis and have accomplished things considered impossible, all using the power of love.  It does not help me to be re-diagnosed and have the last thirty-five years ignored or discounted. On the other hand, I would be delighted to talk with a neurologist who acknowledged and incorporated my past.

Beyond Forgiveness

  I was raised in a “quietly” violent and abusive alcoholic home.  I write quietly because there were no police or hospital stays and minimal physical marks.  The source of the violence was my father.  He beat me at times until I turned twelve and was strong enough to stop him. I should also admit that I provoked him.  I also now believe that you should never hit a child.  Through the recovery process I managed to forgive him several years ago.  Then, shortly before he died from Alzheimer complications, I went to visit him in the nursing home where he was staying.  He did not recognize me as his son and had limited cognitive ability.  During that visit God covered us with an umbrella of love and we talked quite intimately for a couple of hours spirit-to-spirit.  I felt nothing but unconditional love for the man before me and I realized that within unconditional love there is no need for forgiveness.

Change

  For the last several days I have had the uneasy feeling that things were not right in my life and this morning through meditation I realized that I was in the midst of change.  Nothing major or earthshaking but simply that it is time to get past some negative ideas about myself and also that I need to do things differently, though I’m not certain what.  It is clear to me that it is time to sit quietly and mentally sift through my own attitudes and behaviors.  If something feels wrong to me, I can then make the needed changes.  As with many things, this sounds simple and easy — it is neither.

Connection

  I have a very strong connection with God, my higher power, for which I am extremely grateful and depend on daily.  I see and feel God in everything I do all day and every day.  I used to only feel that way while doing things like looking at a special sunset.  Now it’s all the time and anything I do ... awesome.  I got that way through the practices I describe in my book, Three Simple Questions: Being in the World But Not of It. It also took a great deal of focus, intent and discipline.  This level of connection is a special gift which I have worked for.  The gift is special but I am not.  It is important for me to realize that I am a simple man who made a powerful choice.

Vibration

  To me, the vibration or energy around any concept is more important than the word or words used to express that concept.  For example, people use words like Buddha, God, Jesus, Great Spirit, higher power to express a concept that is energetically or vibrationally the same, a feeling of love, peace, well being and serenity.  Some Hindus speak of the ABSOLUTE which feels like my God to me and the words used do not matter.  The other day my wife pointed out that my upset and swearing when I spill things (frequent with my disability!) Had a negative “vibe”, which hit home to me.  Using swear words did not bother me much, but I generally project a loving sense so projecting a negative vibration felt more important. I listened and will change.

Guidance

  Today will be a day of reflection in addition to my regular activities.  I plan to do some cooking, exercising and meeting with two of the people I work with, but I also feel troubled and in need of quiet time to sort things out.  To be honest I am not sure what is bothering me ... It could be personal matters or something which is really none of my business in the world at large. I guess I’ll find out! ... It is now later in the day and I have been active with periods of reflection and meditation between. I frequently ask for guidance and support, especially when working with someone. It is now clear that my troubled feeling comes from my wanting to do more and longer range.  My guidance and support is usually here and now, which makes perfect sense.  That is all I need to know.

Discipline

  This morning (Tuesday) I was struggling to feel confident about my own physical ability and positive about life in general.  Then I talked about how I felt with Maria, my wife, and then two people I mentor. I also did some exercising and Journaling. Now, I feel pretty good. I am now glad I did it though those actions took some discipline and I didn’t really want to do them. Those actions helped in the past and I thought they would help this time ... but I still resisted, so I pushed.

Guidance

  Today I celebrated 38 years of sobriety during my recovery meeting. I actually  passed my anniversary on the 11th, a few days ago.  When I spoke I focused on my spiritual recovery.  I had fallen on the hard tile floor of the bathroom two days ago and I wasn’t even sure I would be able to speak since I was still recovering from that.  I asked for guidance and support and “got out of the way” so it was a powerful talk and meeting.  Everyone could feel the power.  I was congratulated many times which I enjoyed immensely, also knowing that I was not responsible for what happened or who was inspired by what I said.  I did say the words and got my ego out of the way, not small things.