Spiritual Path

  “Let’s be clear that “being at the spiritual game” means dedicating your whole mind, your whole body, your whole soul to the process of creating Self in the image and likeness of God.

This is the process of Self realization about which Eastern mystics have written.  It is the process of salvation to which much Western theology has devoted itself.

This is a day-to-day, hour-to-hour, moment-to-moment act of supreme consciousness.  It is a choosing and a re-choosing every instant.  It is ongoing creation.  Conscious creation.  Creation with a purpose.  It is using the tools of creation we have discussed, and using them with awareness and sublime intention. (Walsch) That is quite a statement, yet it is also what I do and I know the truth of it.  In my case I follow that path partly because my life depends on it — at least that’s how it began for me.  I now follow it because of the overwhelming love I find there.  There is no other choice for me.

Service

  During my NDE I was offered the chance to return to the world of the living and be “of service” which was the choice I took.  In order for me to be of maximum service it is important for me to realize that I made that choice easily and purely because of the love I felt there.  There was no coercion, feeling of attachment or wanting to be worthy leading to that choice.  It made no difference to me that I would be returning to a life of discomfort.  I came back because part of the inherent nature of love is it produces more love — it spreads.  I am helping that spread.  I need not do anything remarkable in order to be of maximum service, just spread the love.

Internal Conflict

  This morning, as I wake up and begin moving around, my muscles feel like there has been a battle or conflict raging within them during the night.  I often feel stiffness, small pains and tightness in the mornings when I wake up reflecting an inner conflict.  During my early years, I grew while believing I was flawed and unworthy, though I never knew compared to what.  Since that time I have endeavored to give up those thought and move on with my life.  Those feelings reappear at times and remind me of the past.  "As we stop the war, each of us will find something from which we have been running -- our loneliness, our unworthiness, our boredom, our shame, our unfulfilled desires." (Jack Kornfield)

Beyond Understanding

  I suspect I am not alone but I have had several occurrences in my life that are beyond the understanding of my linear, logical mind.  These are occurrences that could not have happened, but, never the less, did.  The first that I recall happened when I was a child growing up in Michigan and the last happened a couple of years ago in Maryland at the age of seventy.  Some happenings were spectacular and memorable like being “jerked out of space/time” or having a third degree burn healed in minutes, while others were less notable like seeing and feeling a cigarette butt flung at me when by back was turned and I was wearing clothing that would have prevented my feeling it.  I end up knowing, feeling and experiencing things that could not have happened.  It would be foolish of me to not admit that there must be some sort of power “out there” looking out for me, a Loving and protective presence.  “A mystical touch is a deep, intimate contact-union-experience of God in one of His attributes such as power, light, goodness, beauty, or joy.” (Thomas Dubay, S. M.)

Growth

  In my own quiet way I continue to explore and expand my notions of healing, my position in the universe and reality in general.  I do this largely through meditation and my own practices.  Recently, my main explorations have been in the spirit realm, healing and what I call the “unseen realm”.  I continue to explore, in part, because I get positive results.  What I do and believe works so I suspect there is something there.  I have always liked the phrase from Martin Bell that "Revelation means getting a peek at the reality that is always there."  I also keep in mind that "There are many territories of imagination and many strange regions of emotion that we may not enter without throwing our sanity into question: Until we cross some borders, we are likely to remain rational, banal, boring, bored. A major concern of any therapeutic psychology should be to help an individual lose identity." (Sam Keen and Anne Valley-Fox).

Self-care

  I feel and act out of love daily if I am in decent emotional and spiritual condition which requires self-care and introspection.  I also have as part of me a selfish and fearful side, which does not get expressed and usually is not even felt.  Yesterday the comments of other people on Zoom reminded me that I feel that part when I’m not taking care of myself.  I grew up feeling and expressing that part since it was all I knew.  I did not enjoy feeling that way and nether did the people around me.  My recovery has shown me a more loving and spiritual approach to life which I much prefer.

Love

    God’s love which I felt so strongly during my N.D.E. is absolute and unconditional, meaning it is always there and available to everyone.  That love is the same whether you are Jesus or the person nailing him to the cross, Mother Teresa or Hitler.  That love made me decide to come back to the physical world.  That love provides healing of all types.  This world is full of hate, fear, anger and aggression which will create more of the same no matter how it is expressed and no matter how justified it seems.  Love will do the same so I choose love.  I can do no less.

Understanding?

  For the last day and right now it has been occurring just how much I do not really understand what I am doing each day.  I believe that I work mainly in the spirit realm and its impact on living people but am aware even that could be an active imagination.  My understanding is that within the spirit realm there is an atmosphere of God’s love which is absolute and unconditional so there is no duality as in our realm.  The spirit realm is also non-material or physical so conditions there are beyond my understanding.  My task seems to be to spread that love as much as possible which I do daily and beyond that I do not understand — but then “understanding is not required”.

Love

  During my Near-Death-Experience I was told “This is what it feels like to be dead” and I felt the indescribably intense and beautiful Love of God which other NDErs have also experienced.  The love that I experienced then and have come to know through meditation is both  absolute and unconditional, meaning it is always present and exhibits none of the fluctuation or duality of human love.  I do not pretend to understand it, but do feel it and now live within that love.  “The kingdom of God is not coming with signs that can be observed, nor will they say; ‘Look here it is!’ or ‘There it is!’ for the kingdom of God is within you.” (gospel of Luke)

Holistic Healing

  In 1988 during a clinical trial shortly after being diagnosed with cerebellar degeneration, a chronic degeneration of the cerebellum, I discovered that I could override an “involuntary” reflex by using meditation.  The technician running the experiment became quite upset when I did not exhibit the expected response so I stopped using meditation when undergoing experiments. Shortly after this I found that I could influence (later control) my muscle activity using the level of focus I had during meditation.  At the same time I found that I could use the power of love/God to heal myself physically.  I have using and expanding on those techniques ever since and have taught them to others.

Gifts

This morning I am especially aware that I have several special “gifts” from God/Universe which I have come to depend on daily.  The foundation for those gifts is a close connection with God and the people I work with.  I can sense eternity, God’s Love and guidance and many things about other people.  That connection adds a sense of purpose and fullness to my life.  Offshoots of that connection include; knowing things, self-healing, healing of others and a sense of well-being.  I cannot say that I worry about losing those gifts but I feel reassured when I see evidence of their presence in my life, which I have seen recently.  As if to increase my awareness, those gifts were taken from me for part of a day a few years ago — a horrible feeling.  I am grateful for their presence.

 

Acceptance

  The roads around my house are snow covered since it is twenty-two degrees and snowed yesterday.  Today seems like a good day to be peaceful, quiet and stay at home doing some exercise, cleaning and cooking.  Yesterday I talked with someone who’s refrigerator is not working, reminding me that I can also be grateful for having a warm house with working appliances.  As is usually the case, my best option is to peacefully accept the reality of what is and go about enjoying my day.

Listening

  Today I feel “solid”, not positive but more neutral which means that I was able to listen clearly yesterday and act accordingly.  Yesterday I felt the need for sorting/contemplative time which I did until that time was complete (three hours).  I took the time to sit and do absolutely nothing, which is hard for me since I have an internal voice that interferes with my listening by urging me to be active, to do things.  Nothing has really changed, the world is still in chaos and I still have assorted joint pain but I feel good about being able to listen about my own needs.

Sorting Time

  This morning I am feeling a pull to have more “sorting” time for myself, time to do nothing but sit and contemplate my life with no distractions like TV or radio.  It’s a feeling of being slightly off center, a feeling of things not being quite right.  It’s not that I am busy at all — I am not.  I just need a lot of quiet, sorting time in order to feel well balanced..  That will be easy to arrange all I need is the discipline necessary — no problem. “It [inner silence] is to establish an inner peace, an inner harmony, which will allow us authentically to contribute to the establishment of an outer peace and an outer harmony in the world at large.” (Seeger)

Acceptance

  I have noticed that I have an insidious tendency to interact with the world as I perceive it rather than the reality of the way it is.  I can have attitudes or beliefs that prevent me from really seeing things as they are and, then, as a result, reacting less affectively.  For example, my perception of my physical condition often depends on my mood at the time.  If my mood is depressed or sad I tend to have a low opinion of my abilities and, conversely, if my mood  is on the manic side I tend to overrate myself.   I do better when I can simply accept things the way they are.  It is only when I have total acceptance of reality that I can take maximally affective actions.

Holistic Healing

  Yesterday I wrote of the power and force of love to affect behavior and attitude in some and perhaps all life situations.  I use that power for my own physical healing and have taught the practice to others.  There are also other sources of power which can be used similarly.  For example, while sitting near the ocean it is possible to feel its energy or the turbulent energy of the ocean during a storm and then the nurturing energy of a bay or estuary.  During meditations I like to harmonize with these and other sources of power and use those powers for healing.

Love

  People frequently speak of love as existing between individuals in a relationship, like in a family, a friendship or romantically and resulting in an increased commitment to each other.  It can be more than that.  As I learned in my N.D.E., love can also be a more general approach to all of life situations.  In that case, love is a force or power that is capable of changing people’s attitudes and actions.  For example, during my N.D.E. I was given a choice between staying dead, which felt wonderful, peaceful, loving and free or returning to earthly existence and being of service.  I chose to come back purely because of the love I felt and a desire to align myself with that feeling.  I now have the feeling of love towards all people, places and things which certainly changes my behavior and I spread that love as much as I can.

Kingdom of God

  I find myself wishing that I had the words to express how good I feel right now about the world I live in.  I have that feeling of peace, love and joy “that surpasses all understanding”.  I also readily understand the chaos and problems in the world around me; the pandemic, global warming, civil wars and a narcissistic president who does not accept reality.  I also realize that I am seventy-two, disabled and in pain much of the time.  In the perspective of eternity and God’s world things are in divine order.  “The kingdom of God is not coming with signs that can be observed, nor will they say; ‘Look here it is!’ or ‘There it is!’ for the kingdom of God is within you.” (gospel of Luke)

Gratitude

  I wake this morning feeling grateful for life as it is, a good feeling.  There are many aspects of my life that I wish were different and I do everything I can to make things better while also being grateful for the way things are.  Yesterday I exercised, meditated and then spent several hours making preparations for cooking a big batch of spaghetti sauce.  I was busier than I like and those activities would have taken a normal person a lot less time.  I am grateful I could do them at all and today will be more relaxed.  We are in the midst of a pandemic and I am isolating.  I am also healthy and the isolation gives me more time to reflect and meditate.  “We simply do not know.  Scientists discover and theologians affirm; but faced with the mystery of life and death we know almost nothing. (deCastillejo)

The Unseen

There is a tremendous amount of information floating around within the “empty” space surrounding each of us which I attempt to access through quiet meditation or just sitting and listening.  Watching animals respond to unseen forces has helped convince me of the importance of listening to the Universe.  I have also been strongly influenced by the unseen energies of God, love, beauty and spirits.  “I tell you, I am in every flower, every rainbow, every star in the heavens, and everything in and on every planet rotating around every star.  I am the whisper of the wind, the warmth of your sun, the incredible individuality and the extraordinary perfection of each snowflake.  I am the majesty in the soaring flight of eagles, and the innocence of the doe in the field; the courage of lions, the wisdom of the ancient ones.” (Walsch) 

Listening

  The ability to listen is very important to me.  I wish to hear with clarity, lack of bias and free of the concerns of self image or self in general.  I want to be sensitive to whatever the Universe has to tell me, whether the source be God, spirits or something else in the ether around me.  This morning I began thinking of listening and the fact that I listen with more clarity if I am lean and a bit hungry, rather than full and overweight.  That thought and listening led me to this entry in my journal.  The point I am led to is that listening requires discipline.  “To undertake to live a discerned life, to endeavor daily to be attuned to authentic movements of the Spirit leading us into greater fullness of life, is a strenuous undertaking.” ( Patricia Loring)

Self-Concept

  The other day standing in my backyard there was a visiting goshawk, looking sleek, strong and stately.  I was captivated by the vision and I felt his presence.  Maria, my wife, suggested that I meditate on the hawk and see if there was some sort of message for me and since I realized I had been impacted, I did   During my meditation I realized that I admired the hawk but certainly did not consider myself as “sleek, strong and stately”.I became very aware that the low self-concept I had when I was young was incorrect and based on the way my family saw me, but that I still had vestiges of that view.  Through that vision I was being urged to view myself as the strong, independent, remarkable person I had become, a tall order but worth listening to.

Love

  For some reason I have been given the power and feeling of love in my life and I chose to share or spread it as much as I can.  I am no saint or anyone special in any way outside of the presence of that gift.  I feel that Love all of the time and most strongly during my near-death-experience, during healing and in meditation.  That feeling has certainly changed my life.  I refer to Love as a power since, for me, it has brought about physical healing and abilities that other people consider impossible.  I also believe the source of that power to be God but see no need to make that connection — Love is stronger than that.

That Small Quiet Voice

  Within each of us is that part which senses the loving/compassionate action to be taken, the part that senses God and eternity, the part commonly called “that small quiet voice”.  In my case I cultivate that voice by listening, acting and being grateful for it.  In my case it is no longer small or quiet, and I like it that way.  I note that most of technology, like the internet, social media or I-phones, can draw me away from that part, if I indulge in them for any length of time.  On the other hand sitting quietly, walking in nature and meditating bring me closer to that part.  I do a lot of the latter, things that fit well within the pandemic!

Spiritual Path

As I say in my book “You are on a spiritual path whether you know it, intend it, admit it or not.”  We are all on a spiritual path.  A major part of my path is to change the world by spreading the Love I was shown during my Near-Death-Experience.  I have been doing that for years but now there is a change afoot and I do not know what that change is.  I am impatient and I am fond of clarity so the uncertainty bothers me.  My path has always been on a “need to know”, so I suspect that I’ll know when the time is right!  I write this to re-assure myself."...would you say all of humanity is on a spiritual path?  Absolutely.  It's a beautiful thought, Emmanuel.  The entire universe is a beautiful thought."  (Pat Rodegast and Judith Stanton)

 

Holistic Healing

  For the last day I have spent much of the time focused on the feeling of unconditional love and reflecting on the power/force those thoughts contain for physical, emotional and spiritual well being and healing.  As far as my physical healing I focus on God, love and harmony with all things, direct that feeling into my hands and send it wherever I need healing.  I can feel the shift in energy and assume healing is taking place.  I get miraculous result which are really just an expansion of what is commonly called “the placebo effect” There is a lot of power/force there which is frequently not recognized.

Silence

A great deal of what I do daily  requires a high level of focus and concentration, even the muscular control of walking or eating.  If my focus on walking is broken by being surprised by something or having my attention drawn away, I stumble and occasionally even fall.  Similar things happen with my other activities, which is why I value silence so highly.  Silence around me enables me to easily focus on the thoughts or activities at hand, even unconditional love or other internal emotions.  I prefer to not have noisy distractions around me.  “When a peaceful silence lay over all, and the night had run half of her swift course, down from the heavens, from the royal throne, leapt your all powerful word.” (the book of Wisdom 18:14, 15)

 

Love

  I mentioned the other day that my goal is to change the world one person at a time.”  Right now many decisions are made out of fear, resulting in separation, aggression and defensiveness.  I am promoting a shift to acting out of love, resulting in connection, understanding and compassion.  I do not know what that will look like precisely since everyone is different and the loving approach is to honor and support that difference.  The shift I envision would benefit all people and everything on earth.  I am one man but I will do what I can each day.  “We shall never succeed in stopping war until we have a human society permeated with persons who practice a way of life which removes and abolishes the grounds and occasions of war, and at the same time matures and ripens a spirit of mutual understanding and personal cooperation.”  (Rufus Jones)

Connection

  When I go to a recovery meetings I can feel the presence of the other people because of their energy fields, it’s easy and, often, very pleasant sometimes chaotic or sad.  Today is a Saturday when I meet face to face with someone and we talk about recovery for an hour or so and I feel that connection.  I also feel that connection when I talk one-on-one over the phone, though the connection is less present so I have to work at it a bit.  I find the connection very meaningful and fulfilling.  For some reason, which I don’t fully understand, I do not get that connection during Zoom meetings.  Fortunately, I suspect, we will begin in-person meetings at some point.  For now it is good to know about the connection.

Being At Peace

  I am still searching for a new path, looking for that familiar feeling of inspiration for some sort of activities directed at my overall goal of “changing the world one person at a time”.  I continue with my own healing work and I have begun my journaling again and will begin revising my website to include more about the “unseen” aspects of reality — Sound like enough, but I am impatient.  I am seldom satisfied and always looking to do more.  I think it’s time to be at peace with what I am doing.  “You create a path of your own by looking within yourself and listening to your soul, cultivating your own ways of experiencing the sacred, and then practicing it.  Practicing until you make it a song that sings you.” (Sue Monk Kidd)

Gratitude

  Today is Thanksgiving, a good day to feel gratitude — and I do.  I am seventy-two and I have to wonder how that happened!  I have encountered numerous physical, emotional and spiritual difficulties during those years, together with the methods of overcoming those problems.  I was led to the solutions during periods of meditation and contemplation.  I am grateful for the solutions and the difficulties that led me to them.  Those difficulties began with being raised in a loveless, non-spiritual, somewhat abusive alcoholic home followed by hypertrophy and a chronic prostate infection in my teen years.  Since then I have experienced my own alcoholism, drug addiction, a mal-functioning heart valve, my disability, pre-cancerous (possibly cancerous) conditions, a lung problem and an underperforming thyroid.  Meditation and God have led me to at least partial solutions to all of those problems.  I have overcome the physical problems to the extent that doctors re-diagnose me since the original diagnosis could not have been correct.  I am seventy-two, retired, married for thirty-eight years and experience happiness and joy regularly.  Not bad!

Path With Heart

  My overall goal continues to be changing the world one person at a time.  I am pushing for a shift away from behaviors or attitudes stemming from fear/aggression toward those coming from love/spirituality,  My actual paths and actions have revolved around this goal for years and it has always been “a path with heart” — I feel good about following it.  At the present time my activities are directed at the “unseen realm” of the energy field around each of us.  My behaviors, actions and attitudes have all been influenced by this field and now I am attempting to do the same for others, with Love, joy, compassion and acceptance as my guide.  “Anything is one of a million paths (un camino entre cantidades de caminos).  Therefore you must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you should not follow it, you must not stay with it under any conditions. To have such clarity you must lead a disciplined life. Only then will you know that a path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you to do. But your decision to keep on the path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition. I warn you. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself, and yourself alone, one question. This question is one that only a very old man asks.  My benefactor told me about it once when I was young, and my blood was too vigorous for me to understand it. Now I do understand it. I will tell you what it is: Does this path have a heart? All paths are the same: they lead nowhere. They are paths going through the bush or into the bush. In my own life I could say I have traversed long, long paths, but I am not anywhere. Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn’t, it is of no use. Both paths lead nowhere; but one has a heart, the other doesn’t. One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you (Don Juan as quoted by Carlos Castaneda)

Responsible Citizen

  Yesterday I spent some time listening to N.P.R. and then read some in the “Washington Post” and, as expected, I felt a bit depressed and anxious at the state of the world and some of the things people are doing.  I was being a “responsible citizen” in keeping up with the news.  The presentation was balanced, logical and evidence based.  As is my usual practice I also chose to meditate on peace, love, God and eternity and, of course, felt much better realizing that, in the eternal sense, the world was fine.  To me, being that responsible citizen includes the meditative perspective and spreading peace and love in everything I do.  “To understand better the value of silence in daily life, and its relation to this spiritual transformation for which we yearn, it is useful first to consider the limitation of language, of words.  It is next useful to contemplate the limitations of logical reasoning.” (Seeger)

Godly Actions

  In the process of my daily activities and especially when approaching something new, as I described yesterday I always check in with God and the universe in general to make sure that the action/activity is motivated by love.  The activity I am approaching has to satisfy each of the three questions (Would I do this in front of God; Is it really my responsibility; Is this a loving act).  In addition, the actions I take are generally aimed at serving others, not selfish.  “The fruits of the Spirit [tests if leadings are divine in origin] have been translated as ‘love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self-control’” (Galatians 5:23 NJB) p 5

Change

 I can sense my life shifting and changing, which on the one hand I welcome and on the other hand I am uncomfortable with the feeling of being groundless and up in the air.  I have not posted since August because the inspiration was not there --- now it is.  I have not been reading at all and was told to meditate and not to rely on the guidance of others.  I have begun reading again specifically to find some guidance in my exploration of the "unseen realm" (unseen influences, energy fields, love, angels, spirits, etc).  Recently, my focus has been on helping my mother-in-law have a peaceful transition to death.  She will die very soon and I believe that I am preparing for my  next "adventure".  I always do what I'm told.

Spiritual Practice

  I was watching a movie (“Whale Rider”) last night in which a girl is prevented from spiritual practices because she is female and then becomes a spiritual leader of her people.  During the movie in my body and mind I felt/heard several times the message that “this is important, pay attention”, a message I am quite familiar with.  At the present time I attend (not a member) a Quaker church, a community of spiritual seekers and finders who practice no dogma and worship through silent meditation.  Many of them think that there is something spiritually special about being a Quaker.  I am, what I consider, a spiritual “stray dog” with a history of Christian, Navajo, Taoist, Buddhist, Hindu and Zen roots and present day ties to none.  It seems important for me to practice and know that distinctions according to sex, religion, race, etc. are human not God based.  There are many paths to God and level of devotion makes a difference but other categories do not.

Gratitude

  Yesterday I went through my daily routine, merely accepting what needed doing in a very matter-of-fact manner.  I exercised, shaved, ate salad for lunch, did some cooking, resting and meditating.  Today I did much the same but with a tremendous sense of gratitude.  I could not stand and cook for years early in my recovery.  Also for the first five years of my recover I could not exercise my muscles without spastic cramping.  I began my exercise program with 0.3 miles on an exercise bike with no resistence.  I just recently went through a decade of not having enough jaw coordination to eat things like salad.  I find that I am very grateful for my current abilities.

Change

“If you continue to do what you have always done, you will continue to get what you have  always gotten.”  A simple phrase which I originally encountered many years ago written in chalk on the blackboard in a recovery meeting.  The phrase has been on my mind so I expect I should pay attention.  I have made some large changes in my behavior recently which I could consider.  Maria, my wife, has been staying with her mother, while her mother recovers from a broken hip, so I have been on my own.  Additionally, my recovery meetings have been cancelled due to the pandemic, leaving me even more on my own.  As a result I have ramped up my prayer, meditation and gratitude practices.  It is useful for me to realize that I am doing well without these external supports and also how much I value personal connection.  I have made it a point to have several connections a week.  I feel spiritually and emotionally strong.

Unconditional Love

As a part of feeling love, compassion and empathy for myself and the other humans on this earth, I need to recognize that our behavior and beliefs also make me angry, at times.  I suspect that all of us have been fear driven, egotistical and shortsighted sometimes, which makes it hard to judge.  The resulting behavior makes me angry, particularly when that behavior is directed at me.  I note that unconditional love, like the colors that make up white light, is the combination of all feelings.  So, in order for me to feel the pure love I wish to feel, I need to acknowledge and feel the anger and then transcend the anger to feelings of love, compassion and empathy.  That feels good but I find it hard to remember and I need to work on it today.

Retail Therapy

I read the “Washington Post” which says that the world is in chaos and getting worse daily with issues like a surging pandemic, out-of-control economy, a coming police state, habitat destruction, climate change, etc.  I then meditate on peace and love and realize that, in an eternal sense, everything is fine.  I go about my day “broadcasting” peace, love, understanding and compassion every chance I get, knowing that might help the situation.  On the other hand I understand that car sales are at a record level and my thought is that “retail therapy” will not work.  “An Indian says you search, in vain, for what you cannot find.  He says you found a thousand ways of runnin down your time.  He didn’t scream it, he said it in a song and he’s never been known to be wrong.” (from the movie “Jeremiah Johnson”)

Search for Meaning

I spent much of my earlier life, before recovery and becoming disabled, trying to find a sense of meaning, wholeness and peace in external, often material things.  My searching never resulted in anything other than short term gratification and the accumulation of meaningless stuff. Then, as I had those things stripped away from me or I chose to give them up.  I did not realize it at the time but I stopped searching and began working on being.  What I was looking for was there all the time  — I just needed to stop looking for it and be with it.  “An Indian says you search, in vain, for what you cannot find.  He says you find a thousand ways of runnin down your time.  He didn’t scream it, he said it in a song and he’s never been known to be wrong.” (from the movie “Jeremiah Johnson”)

God's Will

Well, it is now July and the heat and humidity have returned for the next three months or so.  The state of MD has also now partially opened its business doors so the traffic has increased, though not as heavily as it has been.  The heat, humidity, traffic and population density are all factors that I find less than desirable Maine or Vermont would be more suitable.  However, when Maria and I came east we each realized that this is where our God wanted us to be.  I was asked recently if I was happy being in this location and I felt compelled to say what I did not like but also that I felt I was right where I should be, a very good feeling.

Unseen Realm

I spend a good deal of my time operating within, what I call, the unseen realm of spirits, energies and spiritual beliefs and I enjoy realizing that it could be totally imaginary on my part but I also choose to believe it due to the results.  My first conscious encounter with this sort of thing came when one of my Arizona clients called me in a panic from California where she was visiting.  Her daughter, who had been traumatized when she was much younger, had disassociated and was non-communicative.  The mother hoped I could help the little girl so I went into a trance and met with the girls spirit in order to comfort and reassure her and then bring her back.  The girl did in fact return to being communicative and commented upon her return that she “had been with Charlie”.  For the past few nights I have been working remotely with spirit of a woman who is a few miles away in order to introduce her “higher self” to the spirit world.  Her behavior has changed suggesting that what I am doing is working — but then, I never know for sure!

Holistic Healing

As far as the self-healing of my disability and related health issues I notice that yesterday I mowed the front lawn in 11/2 hours instead of the 2 it has taken in the past and that just generally my wife has commented that I am moving faster, both indicating that my balance has improved.  For the first time in a decade I no longer have open sores in my mouth and I have eaten salads for lunch both indicating improved jaw coordination.  My speech has also improved according to my own observation and comments by several people.  These are all positive changes and are likely caused by the self-healing I have described before.  It is useful for me to note and be aware of the fact that I resist change of any kind, desirable or not.  If I stay aware of the resistence I can counter it.

Perspective

During the last day I have been reflecting on the balance or harmony I wrote of yesterday and I have become more aware that I have a distinct tendency to view only one side of a situation as desirable and one side not when, in fact, they are both part of the whole and can both be appreciated..  For example, when I think of love I tend to think only of that pleasant feeling I get when watching a small child, while complete and unconditional love actually includes the total spectrum, pleasant and unpleasant, of feelings.  Love is like white light in that the light actually includes all colors.  That same pattern applies to many things and I will be more conscious of gratitude for the whole picture.

Harmony

This morning I went out to check on the catbird nest in our front yard and found the nest disrupted with the female and the eggs missing — not what I anticipated but a good lesson on harmony for me.  Looking at the big or long term picture nature and natural systems provide a very fine example of balance and harmony.  I can sense the harmony when I am with nature and I am very grateful for it.  That harmony is beautiful to see and feel but it also means that many of  the cute little birds of the season end up dying and becoming food for something else.  That death is part of the beauty.  During my life (I am 71!) there have been many things that did not go as planed which was part of their beauty and I am grateful,

Love

Right now, with the pandemic, questionable leadership, the economic losses and the race riots, this country is in turmoil and I keep thinking that it will take something like the three questions I talk about in my book to straighten things out.  (The three questions are: Would I do this in front of God (or whatever you call the power or force behind the Universe), Is my name really on it (or is it really my responsibility), Will this increase the integrity of the universe (or is this action motivated by love, rather than fear, acting out of love always increases the integrity of the universe).  Love is the solution, anger, criticism and protests are not.  Before recovery I was an angry, hurt, narcissistic  and antisocial person.  I had heard various judgments, criticisms and instructions which did not stop me.  Love did and I became a different person.

Holistic Healing and Gratitude

Maintaining an attitude of gratitude is very important for me to continue to be functional and, so far, within this physically difficult life, I have always been able to find things to be grateful for, Yesterday I was looking over some of my writings about learning to relax my jaw a bit over a decade ago.  I had forgotten how difficult that process was and I had two doctors to tell me that it was not possible.  As it was, it took me deep focus, meditation, six months of using Botox and several months to accomplish.  During that process I was grateful I could do it at all and I am still not sure where the ability came from.  Yesterday, when I read that, I felt grateful that my jaw was relaxed most of the time now and that I had learned to coordinate my jaw activities, though I am not done with that part yet since eating and speaking are still a challenge.

Change

Everything keeps changing and I cannot say that I am totally comfortable with that, though I can watch the river of life flow around me and allow myself to flow with it, ever reminding myself that it’s best not to hold on or attach to anything.  Being with, supporting and connecting with my mother-in-law is a good example.  She was recovering nicely from a recent fall and then fell again.  My tendency was to think that falling again and going to the hospital was a blip in her recovery.  However when she went to the hospital they found she had a very low and unstable heart rate, necessitating the surgical implantation of a pacemaker.  That discovery will improve her health and recovery.  There is a river flowing now very fast.  It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid.  They will try to hold onto the shore.  They will feel they are being torn apart, and they will suffer greatly.  Know the river has its destination.  (Hopi prophesy)

Honesty

In order to see “things as they are” and “rest in the present moment” I need to acknowledge that in spite of my efforts to be balanced, I overdid things yesterday and paid the price with muscle spasms and disturbed sleep last night.  I feel the need to admit that in spite of the fine words I wrote yesterday — I still have work to do!  I’m not blaming or chastising myself in any way, I simply feel that loving honesty helps me be at peace,  "When we let go of our battles and open our heart to things as they are, then we come to rest in the present moment  This is the beginning and end of spiritual practice." (Jack Kornfield)

Balance

I find that a balanced approach to living is something I still need to consciously think of and that the balanced approach to any activity will not feel as natural and comfortable as an all-or
-nothing, black-and-white approach.  For example today I will do some exercise rather than my full two hour workout.  I will cut up some chicken and vegetables in preparation for making soup tomorrow rather than exhausting myself by making the soup all at once.  Similarly, I will do some garden work rather than exhausting myself and doing more.  I will also do some resting and meditating (balance) while if I did not take that time I could certainly get more done (unbalanced).  "Sooner or later we have to learn to let go and allow the changing mystery of life to move through us without our fearing it, without holding and grasping." (Kornfield)

Patience

Last night and this morning I have been watching my own conflicting thoughts and feelings concerning my level of patience with my recovery process.  I have also been chuckling with that loving parental attitude of a parent watching a silly but growing child.  When I began focusing healing energy on my disability I was reminded by the powers that be, that it took me five years to progress from needing crutches to using a cane — so if I was going to approach my disability I would need patience.  Right now I do not know what the outcome will be and I do not know a time scale.  I am good with that and quite content to know it will take a while.  I also note that any change in my abilities produces fear because it is a change and I do not know where it will lead.  I feel impatient because it’s taking so long and gratitude that it is happening at all.  So I have conflicting feelings and I need to keep in mind that feelings are not rational — and chuckle.

Solitude

This morning I am looking forward to a quiet, simple day of doing some gardening, some computer work, meditating and solitude, partially reinforced by the shutdown.  I enjoy the solitude since it is easier for me to arrive at inner silence, which I find necessary if I am to listen to “that small quiet voice” and the voice of the Universe and God.  “It [inner silence] is to establish an inner peace, an inner harmony, which will allow us authentically to contribute to the establishment of an outer peace and an outer harmony in the world at large.” (Daniel A. Seeger)

Gratitude

When I woke this morning I noted the pain in my shoulder and lower back.  I got up, noted my stiffness and put a bag of trash out by the curb for pick-up.  I was not feeling pleased with any of that and was feeling life to be a chore.  It then occurred to me that I could feel grateful that I was capable of carrying the trash, grateful for my house, the curb and the service to pick it up!  I had a bit of an attitude shift and it now looks like a good day.  “Immersion in God entails a being filled with Him, a divine inflowing.  Biblical men knew well enough that this self-communication of God is the sole destiny of men.” (Thomas Dubay, S. M.)

Primordial Light

Yesterday I wrote of the primordial light that “still shines through everything we see and touch” and which I feel all of the time, whether it’s working in the garden, walking in the woods, watching a glorious sunrise, doing the dishes or sweeping the floor.  I depend on that precious feeling and its reality.  The God I know is responsible for it and Jesus knew of it.  I have heard people and spiritual leaders talk of a “down time” when they could not feel that Light or its guidance.  I hope that never happens to me and I believe if I continue with my daily practices, I will continue to feel it.

Focus

As I commented a few days back, “ I feel great Love, tremendous gratitude and eternity all day and every day” a condition I refer to as the Kingdom of God, which Jesus said was in the here and now not some future time.  I was not seeking it out it just happened as a result of my spiritual quest and I now work to maintain it by focusing on that primordial light which according to the gospels, “this primordial light not only brought the entire universe into being but still shines through everything we see and touch.”.  Jesus also said   ‘I am the light which is before all things.  It is I who am all things.  From me all things came forth, and to me all things extend.  Split a piece of wood, and I am there; lift up the stone, and you will find me.”  I attempt to sense that all day.

Discipline

Over the years, with Maria, I have developed a relatively monastic way of life which revolves around minimal distractions and maximal quiet meditative and contemplative time, especially the time I spend in prayer and meditation in the middle of the night.  In order to achieve that there is no TV, minimal radio, exercise, a lot of self-care and maintenance of healthy, balanced habits.  Maria has been living with and caring for her mother for the last couple of months so I have been on my own and I am pleased to note that I continue with the same disciplined way of life when I am on my own — with no-one watching.  I feel stronger in that.

Life

I have encountered and live a spiritually rooted and God connected way of life which is truly miraculous.  I feel great Love, tremendous gratitude and eternity all day and every day, which is even more remarkable given my age and physical condition.  The feeling does not come spontaneously, without effort and action on my part.  I have to remind myself that most people do not want to expend the effort and that initially I only made the effort out of desperation.  I now make the daily effort willingly but I used to expect my life to be given to me..

Holistic Healing

I made the comment yesterday that “ I need to get in touch with that part of me if healing is to commence” about the fearful, doubtful part of me, which I would rather not admit or be aware of.  My tendency to avoid fully and exhaustively looking at myself can and does block healing until I break through that tendency which is how I spent most of yesterday and will do again today.  In this case really accepting, embracing, loving and experiencing the fear and pain is a necessary first step in the healing process.  I don’t have to like it and in fact the day was very unpleasant.  I like the results!

Change

Major changes are afoot in me and, at least temporarily, in the world around me.  In typical Charlie fashion I would like to think and say “I’ve got it handled” but an unspoken part of me (expressed as shoulder nerve/muscle pain) is terrified that I do not and I need to get in touch with that part of me if healing is to commence.  I have managed to harness and developed what is commonly called the “placebo effect” with miraculous results which I have mentioned before in this blog.  At the present time I have directed my healing to my disability, resulting in beginning changes in my speech and balance.  I do not know how far my physical changes will go or what they will lead to.  There are also potentially large changes in the world around me.  Time to have faith about how things are unfolding, hopefully increased spirituality and love, we shall see

solitude

I actually, primarily, enjoy the situation of the current shutdown and my life has not changed much from the simple way I normally live, though I do miss the human connection of my recovery meetings.  During most days I clean, cook, exercise, work in my gardens, sit quietly, meditate and talk with people on the phone.  I never shopped much, got involved in technology or was much of a consumer.   I have long realized that if everyone lived the way I choose to, that the economy would collapse and currently something like that is happening.  My hope is that some people find the joy and peace I have in this way of life and choose to continue the silence.  “To understand better the value of silence in daily life, and its relation to this spiritual transformation for which we yearn, it is useful first to consider the limitation of language, of words.....It is next useful to contemplate the limitations of logical reasoning.” (Daniel A. Seeger)

Myself

I am a good man but I am also complete, complex and well rounded, meaning I have my less desirable parts (which I choose not to act on!).  My actions reflect a simple, loving way of life which I have written extensively about in this blog and my book, which was based on my daily actions.  I sense eternity, sense my oneness with everything and everybody, have a strong connection with the force I know as God and I generally act lovingly.  I also have self-centered antisocial and fear based thoughts.  I used to have thoughts which I associated with my addictive side such as thoughts of manipulation, lying and using.  I love, openly admit and embrace all of that which helps me be loving and understanding with others.  I know several people who try to hide from their dark side — I do not.

Self-care

This morning I watched a news program while I waited for my car to be fixed and the content was all about the problems in various parts of the world, mostly surrounding covid-19 and the pandemic.  I then read some of the Washington Post which contained much the same, in greater detail.  I then felt myself to be off center and a bit depressed and wondering what was wrong.  Then I talked to one of the recovery people I talk to and found myself saying something like “You have to keep God and love as the center of your life 24/7" and I thought “Are you listening Charlie?”  I feel much better now!  I want to be informed and aware but not inundated.

Practices

I can’t say that I am struggling but certainly very aware of my need to increase my practices right now — at least the ones that are left!  There is a great deal of anxiety and fear about the virus, the economy and potential job loss as well as normal worries.  In addition to that, my meetings have stopped (some have moved on line which is not the same) and Maria is staying with and caring for her mother.  So, basically, my life lacks the structure, anchors and organization it had a few weeks ago, leaving me on my own.  I continually remind myself of God’s presence, gratitude and harmony with all things all during the day.  I have also been meditating more and spending more time in my gardens.  I am aware of a dangerous tendency to relax my practices and I may need to do more.  We shall see!

Self-care

The disruption due to the corona virus (especially the lack of recovery meetings) and my wife being absent has left me feeling emotionally fragile.  There is a lack of effortless structure and a need for positive feelings and feelings of gratitude, all things I can work on and need to be careful about right now.  Last night I watched a movie about child abduction and general anti-social behavior.  Precisely what I should not watch and it haunted me all night.  I should spend time focusing on love and gratitude and, if I choose to watch movies let them be heroic movies about love.

Perspective

In my life I utilize a very large number of emotional and spiritual practices in order to achieve a sense of peace and well being.  Practices like quiet time, exercise, meditation, prayer, biofeedback relaxation and Tai-Chi which cost little or nothing and are largely self-motivated.  Practices that do not support an economy or way of life which depends on spending money, possession of “things” and external factors as a source of happiness.  These practices result in a very deep and largely unshakable sense of love and well-being which I wish others could experience — but most others do not want to because they would have to give up too much.  It struck me this morning that, given the current situation, they may have no choice, which may, ultimately, be a good thing.

Gratitude

I was cleaning the racks from my oven this morning and feeling very matter-of-fact about it so I reminded myself to feel grateful I could even do it, that it was a gift and privilege to have the means and opportunity.  I am reminded of the fact that I can now mow the front lawn and that I could not a few years ago.  Mowing that yard takes me two hours and exhausts me for that day.  Sometimes my neighbors come over and do it for me while they mow their own yards.  It takes them fifteen minutes and is not a big deal.

Structure

Right now several of the factors which provide predictable structure in my life are missing or changing which makes it difficult for me to maintain my many healthy habits like regular exercise, prayer, meditation and plenty of rest and sleep.  I find it easy to fall back into chaos and distraction.  My mother-in-law is in need of care right now so my wife, Maria, is staying with her.  She has been one of my anchors.  The places that I normally go to recovery meetings are closed so that part of my structure is also missing.  I tried to do the weekly shopping two days ago only to find crowds of angry, fearful people and missing supplies.  Time to get back to my exercise routine and then I think I will meditate!

Self-Love

I had a dream last night that reminded me that only if I love all aspects of myself can I truly soar and become all I can be.  In the dream I was asked or proposed  to use a ragtag group of around a dozen scruffy looking individuals in order to pilot some sort of flying ship that would take us to our destination.  Those dozen scruffy individuals were parts of my previous self that I still feel need some “cleaning up” in order to be useful — they do not they are perfect parts of me and my past.  The parts of my past self that come to mind are my sullen and resistant “pea coat”, the little boy that wandered in the woods and would talk to no-one and the “addictive, antisocial  jerk” of my years of using and drinking.  I found myself talking about the need for self-love yesterday.  My self-love needs to include these parts if I wish to soar.

Thoroughness

I have spent years in recovery from the imprisonment of erroneous internal concepts which originated from my family of origin and my own addictive pattern.  I attempted to become aware and be rid of those patterns in order to have greater peace and freedom from the biases that prevented me from accurately perceiving the “whisper of the wind” and the world around me.  As advised, I have tried to be thorough in my search and have found a large degree of freedom and joy, as a result.  However the uncovering process also allows me to see clearly that I am not done uncovering biases and beliefs that block me from my goal.  For example, I was just watching a movie (Taking Chance) which dealt with many ideas commonly held about death, war and military service.  That movie made it quite clear to me that I had no clue about common perceptions or the reality of death.

Change

Recently, I have been dealing with internal conflict which express themselves through physical symptoms like muscle spasms and sore joints or muscles.  In this case the conflict arises because part of me wishes to move forward and develop more spiritually, which, like any change, means the future will be different and that I will have to adjust.  There is another part of me that views the change as a risk and that I might be uncomfortable for a time, which is true.  I am feeling the feelings and reassuring myself that everything will work out fine.  I am frequently conflicted by growth and it has always been good as long as I go in a loving direction and ask for guidance along the way..

Connection

I generally go about my day feeling connected, a personal part of the flow of life, a feeling of fullness or fulfillment.  Through all of the people, places and events, that connection is also with the source, presence, love or God.  I also enjoy some distractions like quiet music and movies which tend to break that connection but are still pleasurable, if I don’t over do it.  There are also distractions like loud raucous music and stand up comedy which break that connection and are not pleasurable for me.  I prefer feeling that connection the vast majority of the time.  I depend on it.  Without it my life is less pleasant.

Life

I have been carefully molded and cared for in order to become the person I am and pray for that to continue every night.  It’s a wonderfully fulfilling way of life which is described very well by Saint Faustina Kowalska; “When a soul has come out of these tribulations, it is deeply humble. Its purity of soul is great.  It knows better without need of reflecting, as it were, what it ought too do at a given moment and what to forbear.  It feels the lightest touch of grace and is very faithful to God.  It recognizes God from afar and continuously rejoices in Him.  It discovers God very quickly in other souls and in its environment in general.  The soul has been purified by God Himself.  God, as pure spirit, introduces the soul to a life which is purely spiritual.  God Himself has first prepared and purified the soul; that is, He has made it capable of close communion with Himself.  The soul, in a state of loving repose, communes spiritually with the Lord.  It speaks to God without the need of expressing itself through the senses.  God fills it with His light.”

The Kingdom of God

I live in a world of love and harmony, a world that I wish all could sense — if they could it would change the way they act and “increase the integrity of the universe”.   I feel that love as I look around me and see what we are doing to each other and the environment.  I also feel that love when I look at myself and my issues.  I know that I am part of eternity and The kingdom of God.  “The kingdom of God is not coming with signs that can be observed, nor will they say; ‘Look here it is!’ or ‘There it is!’ for the kingdom of God is within you.” from the gospel of Luke

Holistic Healing

For the purpose of self-healing I divide the self into three layers.  These layers are; the conscious-self, responsible for many day-to-day activities like cooking dinner or writing checks, the lower or physical-self, responsible for things like digestion and breathing and the higher-self which senses eternity and is close to God.  I have found that my lower, physical self knows what my body needs and when combined with love during meditation, can produce healing for many simple problems.  My disability is complex so I am now combining my lower and higher selves and then bringing in the healing power of Love/God.  It is an intense experience.

Self-image

I speak weekly over the phone with several people from different states around the country, offering them support and advice.  Most of the people I talk to have self-image difficulties, as do I.  During many of those calls in the last few weeks I have found myself saying things like “you are far better than you think you are”.  I also hear my internal voice asking “are you listening, Charlie?”, meaning I need to listen to the same advice.  Listening not in a prideful, egocentric way but in a humble, “lack of pretense” way.  In the words of Joan Baez “I am less than this song I am singing, I am more than I thought I could be”.

Being Authentic

A few days ago, at one of my regular recovery meeting, the speaker celebrated twenty-six years of being free of his addiction.  He spoke well, saying all the appropriate things, using the words learned in the program of recovery and expressing gratitude.  He made people laugh and even cry a bit and, as one person put it, he was entertaining.  I was disturbed by his talk since his emphasis was on saying the “right” things and having people like him, rather than being heartfelt and authentic, saying what was going on with him.  I used to do the same but realized what I was doing and then changed.  There were also two people who spoke from the heart and authentically who I enjoyed listening to.

Growth

Life presents us with opportunities for growth and what I look for in myself and those I talk to is being aware of the challenges and having the courage to say yes, continuing to move forward.  A good example of that for me was when I was diagnosed with my disability.  It was supposed to be a progressive, degenerative neurological disorder which would never improve and probably continue to worsen.  Medically they could not help me and I, of course, had the option of just staying with that prognosis but I had also been introduced to taking a spiritual approach to my problems so I decided to try that — with trials and tribulations and spectacular results.

Meditation

Two days ago, on the night of my last entry, I began having muscle spasms in my back which have continued till this afternoon. Normally I would get a spasm or two and be fine the next day — when the spasm is purely physical and there is no emotional component.  In this case the spasms went on for two days, a sure sign that something beyond the physical was going on so I meditated about it by feeling the pain and whether the pain felt like fear, anxiety or anger (three common problems for me).  It turns out that the changes I wrote about two days ago are also causing a lot of anxiety which added to the spasms.  I know that was the problem since identifying it and feeling it reduced the spasms.

Holistic Healing

The self-healing I am doing is complex but I am persisting and it is going well — not smoothly or gracefully, but well.  In terms of complexity I continue to run into issues of self, karma and God’s will.  Right now I am working on the karma part.  My balance and the cooperation (smooth & more coordinated) of my muscles is improving.  With my improved balance my wife has notice that I am moving faster.  I notice the change in speed and also I am beginning to make movements I couldn’t before.  The fact that my activity and balance are changing means that I am taking risks and doing things differently and the change (like any change) is a challenge for me and I lose patience.

Projection

I notice some time ago that when I thought about someone I would be acutely aware of the things they were not doing for their own lives or recovery, then when I was with the same person I felt only love for them and had only constructive thoughts which depended on their interests, not mine.  I would let them know if I saw a problem only if they asked.  In other words, I “set the bar” according to them.  Today I realized that my thoughts of them were purely a projection of thoughts of myself, that I set that bar high for me — not them.

Acceptance

Last night I had several dreams in which I was faced with situations which I needed to accept and I found unacceptable.  They were situations I could not change so for my own peace of mind I needed to accept and live with them even if I did not like it.  This morning I meditated about what in my life was hard for me to accept and, as usually happens, the answer came quickly.  I need to accept that many people are not interested or willing to do the work I have done and continue to do in order to change their live’s.  Their live’s are not that unpleasant.  Mine was, and that is the only reason I am willing.

My Recovery

I have been reflecting on the fact that I am very exhaustive and thorough in my approach to recovery and have reaped many benefits as a result.  I attend some sort of recovery meeting four days a week and meetings for worship on two days, leaving only one day without a meeting of some sort.  I am also of service to several people and I get up every night to pray and meditate for one to three hours.  I keep this journal and read spiritual literature every day.  I would not expect others to do the same as me but I do make recommendations.  I now have a wonderful life which I would like to share.

Recovery

Today I celebrated the anniversary of my recovery or abstinence from alcohol and illegal drugs.  I have been clean and sober for 35 years — incredible!, especially since I had no intention of staying sober for the rest of my life.  My main emphasis has always been maximizing my connection with the God of my understanding.  I have practiced prayer and meditation within Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism, Navajo, Christianity and New Age and I keep encountering the same God using different language.  There seems to be no reason to fight or quarrel, sigh.

Courage to Change

Many years ago, I was discussing some aspect of my disability with my current PCP and she said “most people cannot do that!’ and my response was “well I can and will”.  We were talking about some aspect of my meditative and healing ability and I was stating clearly that I had both the ability and courage to change.  Today I feel the urge to say, once again, “I can and I will” regarding my current healing.  I am finding that the process does require a lot of courage since I keep encountering fear.  I have gotten comfortable with the way things are and now I am stirring them up.

Holistic Healing

I am working on self-healing of my disability and it is a complex issue with a mixture of layers of self-interest, karma and God’s will (some sort of universal plan or effects).  I have been dealing with each of them every night when I get up in the middle of the night.  I want to point out that I have healed many things in the past and found them to be relatively simple and straightforward but not this time.  For the last several nights I have been negotiating about God’s will and my impact on other people and spirits.  It is apparent that my physical condition or healing has an impact on others (and myself!) that will change with healing and I need to consider that.  Of course, I could also be imagining this whole thing — but I think not.